AIBU or is this understandable?

I guess it depends when they agreed to meet. Maybe they agreed to meet the day before she was due to leave as OP was working etc?

I don’t think this is anything more or less than your lifestyles, priorities, locations, pressures making friendship incompatible.

if you want to stop making an effort and allow the friendship to fizzle out, that wouldn’t be unreasonable.

She wasn’t being unreasonable not seeing you, either. You have one adult son. I cannot fathom being stuck in a hotel room with three children, -8°C outside (snow on the ground making a stroller pointless?), a baby and a toddler waking in the night, away from home, no kitchen, one bathroom, cramped room with clothes and toys everywhere, no adult around other than a visiting sister…I too would have bailed on you even if you were right next door. She’s obviously come to see her sister because she needs to (not wants, needs - nobody does this sort of trip at this time of year with a 6mo for a laugh) and my supposition would be that there are problems at home. Couple that with a toddler who won’t settle and a baby waking at night - you’d be on my list but at the very bottom because you would be a nice extra after keeping body and soul together for four people.

So, if you’re not ok with being at the bottom of the list, just let it fizzle out. Not unreasonable but also hardly the stuff of friendship. My friends have stuck by me through thick and thin. They never used annual leave to babysit (!), but they gave me space and time, jumped to no conclusions, asked after my wellbeing, messaged periodically and picked up where we left off after 8-10 years. I think you’re being selfish, but selfish in the way that people can reasonably be selfish. You’re just different people now. She’s no longer giving you what you seem to need from her.

You have an answer then.

Parents of young kids usually come with their kids. For a few years, it’s very difficult to see them alone. Their kids come first.

If you don’t want to take leave to spend with your friend along with her kids, then you won’t see her until her kids are older. Focus on friends without young kids.

Probably better for her too. When you have young kids, the most valuable friends are the people who delight in spending time with your kids, and helping you with them, as much as they do with you.

I can see how you’re upset but you clearly don’t understand how hard it is to have a 6 yo, toddler and baby. I’m amazed she got there in the first place. It could well have been traumatic getting there. It must have been traumatic staying in a hotel with three young ones. Only 6 months after birth too. Her hormones could well be all over the place. As you gave no idea how bad it can be and not very sympathetic, she probably thought it best not to subject you to that! Toddlers often like routine and can get pretty upset without it. If she didn’t sleep very well, she was probably exhausted. She was probably going out of her mind! It was obviously very stressful for her. She probably couldn’t leave the toddler with her sister. You wouldn’t have had any quality time. She wouldn’t have been able to give you anyone attention with a grumpy toddler there. She probably roiling have been able to listen properly. She would only be able to say half a sentence before having to watch out for / calm a toddler if you’d gave been present. You couldn’t have been sympathetic. She probably knew this from your attitude. She wouldn’t have wanted to subjected you to that. She could well have been embarrassed if you had gone to the hotel. She was obviously not coping at all. She knows you don’t understand.

It’s easy to be optimistic and make plans when you have children. Sometimes plans don’t work out how you want. She was probably very upset that you couldn’t meet too.

Of course, she hasn’t been able to travel she’s been pregnant or had young children over the last seven years. Very optimistic travelling alone this time with children those ages!! Does she work? She’s been on maternity leave three times? Probably now too. She could well be skint and not afford to travel.

You sound very unsympathetic which may well be understandable from a childless friend. This friendship will probably end anyway. She’s clearly struggling and you don’t seem very supportive or understanding. You’re just annoyed and resentful that you’ve made the effort to travel. I wouldn’t expect a new mum to travel to me and then even more so when she’s got her second or third child.

I can also understand her wanting to be back after your meal when you saw her. Perhaps she probably thought her husband needed rescuing! Putting three young children to bed can be a nightmare. Do they sleep well? I bet the baby is not sleeping through the night. Is she breastfeeding? She probably won’t be able to leave the baby too long.

Hi, I can see you are getting absolutely roasted here. If your friend had been there for 48 hours then I would accept that she could’ve been busy and unable to fit you in. However not a moment in a whole week?!?

There were loads of opportunities. She could’ve put the kids to bed and said do you want to swing by the hotel about 7:30 8 o’clock and we can have a half an hour cup of coffee or a drink while my sister keeps an eye on sleeping kids. Or she could’ve suggested just coming to the hotel to breakfast with them. Or absolutely anything!!

I think ignoring you for a couple of days being busy would be fine, but seven whole days and with you 10 minutes away I think that’s unkind. I’m sure her sister would’ve looked after the difficult toddler for half an hour so your friend could come and meet you with the six-year-old and the baby in tow.

There might be a lot of reasons, she might be depressed, she might be having marriage problems, but if I was you, I too would feel sad. A week is a long time to be ‘far too busy’ every moment, to see a good friend willing to come to the hotel.

for context, once when my husband was really ill in bed, I had an extremely bad migraine so couldn’t drive, I got an old dog and a teething screaming toddler in a taxi, on a train, in a taxi, 100 miles away to my Uncle‘s 70th birthday party. Arranged for a family members to walk the dog up and down outside so we could be present at the birthday party for the cutting of the cake, etc. I think if you want to do something, you can. And she had a whole week to find half an hour.

think now I’m about to get roasted….

I can see why you would t want to help her for a couple of hours with one of the kids. However you helped her out and presumably her sister helped her with the baby, it might have been more manageable to settle the toddler if she didn’t have to juggle at least another one more kid and actually be able to be more present with you as well.
anyway, I think your husband is very harsh. The reality with kids, 3 small kids, is quite brutal.

You don’t think relevant!

OP says her friend has been giving the situation a lot of thought and has been messaging the op multiple times.

You don’t think relevant what the friend is saying post hotelgate?

I agree with your husband. There was no reason for her to refuse to allow you to come to the hotel. You could have ordered room service or you could have brought round a picnic.

The suggestion that you should have taken the 6 year old off her hands is ludicrous.

Tbh, I don't believe she and the children didn't leave the hotel the whole time. I think it's more likely she was busy with her sister and couldn't fit you in.

Yes. That sentence doesn’t say ‘you should continue to do that’ though, does it? It just implies you’ve both left the friendship to drift and it won’t be that big a deal if it continues that way.

From your posts here, I can certainly understand why she has let it drift!

@Furning Ah OP, you've fallen into a Mumsnet trap here. You should've offered to at least adopt her kids otherwise you're obviously the bitch from hell. And you definitely aren't allowed to feel upset about, well, anything really unless it involves your mother in law.

I am not sure anyone said that was necessary. Do get a grip.

It sounds like you’re just in different seasons of life. I know mumsnet is very big on going NC but real life tends to be a bit more nuanced. It wouldn’t kill you to adjust your expectations and keep the friendship door open in the background - you may find that in several years time your lives realign and it’s nice to have an old friend. You might need the flexibility more than she does at that point, and you might be grateful for a little patience and understanding.

You don’t have to do any of those things, but it is what I would do, and find it has served me well across my life. It doesn’t sound like you’re that open to suggestions though from the way you post!

Because it’s nice to treat your friends - it’s nice to offer to take the (probably internalized) pressure off someone who has admitted they are struggling.

It’s creative to come up with an alternative and possibly fun catch up for someone on their own with three kids.

Pajama picnic in the hotel - I bet the six year old would have had a blast - and everyone having a bit of fun might have jogged the toddler out of their meltdown enough so that while there you could have been that extra pair of hands to get this family out of the hotel room they’ve been stuck in for a week for some fresh air.

Or maybe bringing a couple of new toys to occupy the kids and you and your friend just relax and enjoy a nice bottle of wine and have a good chat.

I’m not saying take food and drink for the practical reason of feeding them. It’s to create a fun social activity in lieu of being able to go to a wine bar or cafe with your friend.

I’d have check if my friend was up for a casual, no pressure room catch up where all she had to do was relax and not worry about anything and I’d have turned up with a picnic blanket, a selection of M&S goodies, a bottle of wine, treats and toys/books for the kids.

If you travel to her, it should be because you want to see her.
Not to prove anything to anyone, not her, not you either.

So the question is:
Do you want to see her?
Is that friendship important enough to ‘make some effort’ for longer?
Does it have to be transactional?
Is it worth maybe having a chat with her about it? Surely you can find 1 hour slot to FaceTime/whatsapp that works for you both and see what’s going on?

Jesus how nosy are yiu! Second time you've asked

When you mentioned how keen she is to meet up in the future but it never happens, the first that came to mind is ‘how is her dh? Supportive or a pain the arse that will refuse to look after his own dcs for the weekend in his own?’

(Aside note: posters who say that you should have proposed to take one of two the dcs out with you are just crazy. I very much theyd have accepted such a proposal themselves anyway)

She doesn't know the 6 yr old so why would they go off with a stranger

guess you are not keen on telling us what she’s said in all the messages you say she’s been sending you since then @Furning

I think parents can sometimes be really entitled re requiring others to be understanding while not extending understanding themselves.

She was in your city and would have been really easy to meet you for a coffee either in the lobby or have you up to her room, at which point you could (if you liked) have suggested helping her out with the kids.