AIBU or is this understandable?

This thread is absolutely fucking insane.

If OP’s friend could manage to BE A GROWN UP WITH A BRAIN and fly across Europe with 3 kids she could certainly take OP up on one of her very flexible suggestions about how they could still meet up.

The only reason she didn’t is because she didn’t want to.

And that is not on the OP.

Fucking pyjamas, carpet picnics, snacks, taking the kids out without her friend…. Absolutely ridiculous.

Only if:

• They’re not breastfeeding. Or, if they are, have built up enough milk supply, are happy/able to breast-pump while away and their baby will take a bottle.
• They want to leave their kids to see friends alone. I didn’t want to leave my kids overnight when they were little. They went everywhere with me. Their dad was the same. Our friends were not only fine with that, they welcomed my kids and loved being with them, including several single friends (men and women) without children.
• They have a supportive and capable coparent (or other relative) who’s willing and able to look after the kids, and who they feel comfortable leaving them with.
• They feel well. Postpartum depression is v common, v debilitating and can be v difficult to tell people about, especially people who expect you to cope.

Given you say you never chat with your friend on the phone, even since she’s had three kids in six years, to see how she’s doing and offer moral support, surely you have no idea if any of the above apply.

TBF, you sound more like an acquaintance.

OP, did you ever think about bringing her a tube of pringles and a mars bar? Solves everything.

Seriously, it sounds like some plan went awry. I think your husband is being quite harsh in suggesting you drop the friendship (unless you want to do so). But I think you could let her know you were disappointed not to see her and ask her what went wrong. It doesn't sound like you are very close friends, more long-standing acquaintances, so maybe it doesn't feel right to ask her for more information. But since you are feeling hurt and let down, it might be worth having a chat with her about it.

It’s not snacks FFS - it’s in lieu of being able to go out for lunch. Also don’t you ever take a bottle of wine to someone’s house when you visit them?

Are you two the sort of friends who have had the sort of relationship where you hang out together in very relaxed circumstances - casual clothes, hair not brushed, toddler and baby spit up on one or both of you, a naked screaming toddler interrupting your conversation every ten minutes?

If that was all she could offer this trip would you have been happy with that?

And if yes, does she know that? Or would she assume you’d be judging her?

It sounds like she only wants to see you when the kids are on an even keel, which means you're the likely kind of friend who (whether consciously or not) expects to be the focus of her attention when you meet up, and when the kids are around, this probably adds to her stress. I have a few friends like this, I only see them without my kids because managing my kids' emotions and their expectations leaves me drained. Doesn't mean you can't be friends, it just means she realised seeing you with her kids around was beyond her capacity this time.

You missed the social cue early on.... you wouldn't have to harass her if you suggested it early on in the conversation.

You can curse all you want at various commenters but there's no point in posting on Mumsnet from your high horse and just huffing and getting angry at anyone who has made suggestions about your friend.

I don't know why you even call her a friend when you've just criticised her behaviour over the last 7 years (evidently since she got pregnant and started having kids).

I suggested that perhaps you're at different stages if life and thats OK, maybe in the future you can reconnect when your free time aligns more and all you've done is focus on the snacks.

I’m just going to add that the comment about meeting you in the hotel bar for an hour kind of said it all. I remember (because I did it alone, transatlantic, many times with babies and toddlers) when bar-attire just didn’t figure in the slightest. The thought of planning something suitable to wear that was fine to get spit up or milk on, with shoes and make up, packed in a suitcase, for -8°C was, on no sleep and wearing a nursing bra (in my case) would have been hilarious. I think you just don’t get it. And that’s fine!! You don’t have to. You asked if this was understandable. Yes. It’s perfectly understandable.

So it’s either one of the following scenarios:

1. She was lying about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and she ended up just not being that bothered about meeting up with you. She was having fun with her sister doing touristy things and didn’t have time for you.
2. She was telling the truth about not being able to leave the room because of the toddler and has spent a miserable week stuck in a hotel with a six-year-old, a toddler having a massive meltdown and a (still nursing?) baby. Meaning that either:

a) she’s stressed and upset about being stuck in the room and doesn’t think you are the sort of person who would be happy chilling with her among the noise and mess of little kids. Possibly embarrassed about you seeing the toddler meltdown / state of the room.

b) she’s exhausted with the situation and genuinely thought that she’d be able to agree to one of your suggestions and each day just couldn’t make it happen and then suddenly it was too late.

If I had a friend and I believed her when she told me she was stuck in a hotel room with three young kids who she couldn’t leave I’d assume she was having a miserable time and either give her grace and space. Or I’d make it clear that I was happy to bring the catch up to her and make it as easy as possible by facilitating the food/drink etc.

I don’t know your friend - was she lying about not being able to leave the room for a week? If you suspect that then yes, time to step away from this friendship.

If she was genuinely stuck in a room for a week with three young kids then y that’s some serious overwhelm going on there and IMO shame on you for not stepping up.

The OP blatantly said things like "I'm not offering to bring food, the hotel has food, she isn't an invalid"; "I am not telling a grown woman they can stay on pyjamas, she doesn't need my permission"

Things that suggest she isn't actually understanding what myself and other posters mean. She's missing the social cues.

@Furning
I think you and your friend are in very different phases of life at the moment.

It's unfortunate that she couldn't meet. Absolutely her kids probably would have been better off outside of the hotel like you suggested. But I'm guessing at 6 months post-partum with a tantrum toddler and a 6yr old in tow, I'm guessing she was very stressed and whilst yes she got them across Europe it was probably very tough. She likely took on too much and got too stressed to go about the holiday as planned.

Perhaps her sister wasn't as helpful as she expected.

I don't think anyone, your friend included, would expect you to take her kids out. I certainly wouldn't let my kids off with someone they didn't know very well, no matter how much I like them. But I.do think you are not quite understanding when people say that you could have offered to bring snacks etc to the hotel.. it isn't because she's an invalid or the hotel doesn't have stuff, it's because it would be a kind thing to do. It would probably be a relief to her to hear that you 100% completely understand her predicament.

She obviously doesn't like being away from her kids much. And probably was embarrassed that the toddler was having a mare.

You on the other hand, have reared your child to adulthood and seem to like the freedom you have now. Different stages of life. Just not compatible anymore.

Maybe in a few years again you will be compatible when she's out of this era.

If you don't feel like you are getting anything from.the relationship you don't need to keep it up. Tbh it doesn't sound like you are great friends anymore anyway... just acquaintances that used to be close? And that's OK too.

"Why would I take the six year old out? It’s her mother I’m interested in talking to."
"So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one "

It's pretty easy to see that you have no real interest or tolerance for the children. That's ok, but means that unless your friend's sister was happy to look after the kids without your friend, or you could go with the friend and her children somewhere where the children would play pretty independently while you and their mother talked, there was no point in trying to meet up unless there was a third adult to care for the kids. Your anti kid stance is fine, but it's natural and fine that single parents with multiple kids don't want to meet up with you.

So again you missed my first point.

I asked how you suggested meeting her at the hotel - did you specify that casual no pressure in the room was an option.

Because she may well have assumed that you’d be expecting her to get all three kids dressed, and meet in the cafe or restaurant of the hotel.

She might have been embarrassed to suggest hanging out just in the room.

Plus if you suggested it alongside a load of other options she might well have been too overwhelmed to make a decision.

I have friends who have seen me in my PJs who I would feel totally relaxed with hanging out in my hotel room, with the messy room detritus that comes with kids, possibly one naked kid having a meltdown.

Those friends even if we haven’t seen each other for years would tell me all that mattered was seeing each other and would turn up with chocolate and wine, and yes treats for the kids, give me a big hug, pitch in with the chaos and it would be fun.

Other friends I would feel embarrassed in the same situation unless they made it clear they were relaxed and fine with it.