AIBU or is this understandable?

Oh I did read. I am also a mum. I don't think you need to want to take the kids out alone, but I get the impression you primarily wanted to talk to the mum not play with the kids, which is fine, but frankly in a park or a soft play with kids those ages, I would have spent the time struggling to hold the baby while chasing the toddler! Unless we were meeting because you WANTED to play with /help look after my kids, there would have been little point in meeting.

Because you said to me

I’m not sure a walk, park or soft play suggests I’m expecting her to dress up.

And my point was being too exhausted to get dressed at all and get everyone else dressed - not dressed up.

You can’t seem to envisage a scenario where your friend has too much on her plate with this particular situation to meet your expectations for this meet up.

You haven’t once answered the question about whether you’d have been happy just hanging out in her room no matter what state everyone was in. And whether your friend knows you’d be happy with that.

Surely we've established the real problem here was how remiss you were in failing to bring SNACKS!

Of course it's all about the snacks, what other possible reasons could there be for her actions?! In fact, it's highly likely the only reason she visited your city in the first place was to sample whatever local snack type delicacy it's famous for. If you were a true friend you'd have known this. Clearly even when she cancelled plans and was vague and non-committal in her responses she was expecting you to know that what she really wanted was to bring some of said delicacies/snacks, and your failure to mind read that obvious social cue has rightly sent you to the friend naughty step.

Your friendship could have been saved if only you'd ignored what she actually messaged you (or didn't message) and made sure you got those precious snacks to her hotel room like you were reenacting the Cadbury's Milk Tray man advert😂

In all seriousness there are some bonkers responses on this thread! OP you're not being unreasonable at all.

This is definitely one of those occasions where you are not interested to know if you are unreasonable. I’m wondering if you yourself would have happily taken your son for a walk with a friend in -8 temperatures when he was 6 months old?

I don’t think you’re wrong. You clearly live your life in a v different way to me and my friends. For instance, I speak to my friends regularly. You don’t.

To each her own. There’s no wrong or right.

You asked for views. You asked if it was to be expected when travelling with kids. I gave my view, as I’ve travelled with three kids of those ages. My answer was effectively, yes, it is to be expected with kids of those ages in certain circumstances.

Women can have abusive, unsupportive partners. Women can have postpartum depression. Women can struggle when they are the sole carer for three very young children. It can be very difficult to tell people about, especially people you haven’t seen or spoken to for years. That’s why I suggested actually talking to your friend, as have others.

If you don’t want to hear views, and approaches which differ from your own, why ask? It appears you’ve decided that your friend is at fault. That’s fine. You know her. We don’t.

The going out scenario for a walk/park requires actually dressing not ‘dressing up’ - when you are exhausted because dealing with three young kids away from home and your usual environment) getting all three kids and yourself dressed in clothes and coats and shoes appropriate for the weather may have felt too much to manage.

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel room with three young kids for more than a few days particularly if one is being difficult then there is often stuff everywhere - unmade beds etc - perhaps she was too embarrassed to have you witness the chaos. Would you have been judgmental in that scenario, would she assume that?

Your replies are very confusing to me. You talk about her being a good friend over the years.

She was either struggling too much to manage a meet up with you (under the options you offered)

Or she’s not the friend you remember and you are not that important to her.

You either give her the benefit of the doubt or you don’t.

I’ve told you that I would have given her the benefit of the doubt and would have tried to see if I could facilitate a way of meeting that shouldered the burden of the meetup for a struggling friend.

It’s been eye opening for me since my DH became sick how people react.

The way you are approaching this situation.

You do realise this is AIBU, right? Posters are allowed to say when they think you’re being unreasonable. One might even say it’s the point of the forum.

We can’t know which one it is - and I’m not sure the OP fully knows but you are right she’s a grown up with a brain who flew across Europe with three young kids so either she’s lying to the OP and couldn’t be bothered to meet her or she’s genuinely struggling and couldn’t manage to meet her.

I feel sympathetic to scenario where she couldn’t manage it because right now I have something similar, not with children but by caring for disabled spouse who I have to physically move from bed, to wheelchair, to toilet to shower. I dress him, clean him, do absolutely all the other life chores and it’s exhausting all the time.

Friends keep suggesting meet ups as a treat to get out of the house. In principle it’s a nice idea and I do miss spending time with them but by the time I have got DH ready, I have very little energy to dress myself - I haven’t had the energy to put on makeup for months.

The friends who phone and say if you are free I can bring lunch to you, all you need to do is be available I will take care of everything else are angels. They don’t care if I haven’t brushed my hair, or if DH is still in his hospital bed when they arrive. They will sort out the table and the food - they clean up before they go.

The OP’s friend’s scenario sounded stressful - if true that the toddler had not adjusted to the travel and she was cancelling all her plans and spending the whole week in the hotel not going out - which is what the OP claimed happened.

If my friend was going through that, then yes, I’d come up with a creative solution to offer that made it clear there was no pressure to dress up, no pressure to stress about kids misbehaving, no pressure to worry about cleaning up.

@EdithBond hasn't been unpleasant in their posts at all. They just think you’re wrong.

That was my point. Maybe they weren’t sleeping and it was chaos and she was embarrassed.

We really don’t know. Either her friend doesn’t value the friendship or it struggling, or both. Plus a load of other reasons. OP knows her friend best. She knows what has been said since. It could well be she’s not coping or her husband isn’t or is controlling. Wanting her to leave a meal early to be back.

Clearly OP is feeling upset (and perhaps her friend too). Only they can decide whether it’s worth it to carry on with the friendship. If it’s as good as she says it is, then it might be a bit better in a few years (if OP can wait) as her friend has a lot on her plate with three children.

I imagine your friend just assumed you'd be OK with her letting you down, just like she has done on other occasions (you mentioned earlier she'll say 'Shall we do X, Y, Z' then tell you she can't make it). She sounds flaky, if not a bit thoughtless/inconsiderate of your feelings. Do you think she takes you for granted?

Your comment earlier explaining how the conversation went, was useful. It's clear that you made yourself available. You put suggestions to her and she didn't make herself available. She left you hanging around waiting to hear from her, which is a bit selfish on her part, not saying it was intentional, but it was thoughtless.

My toddler wouldn't sleep if I was to be chatting in the room... it would disturb lots of kids.

So what? What prevented the friend asking OP round in the evening when the majority of the children were likely to be asleep?

Your friend will be able to tell you have contempt for children

I understand you feeling disappointed about not seeing your friend, but I'm pretty certain that it was just too much to manage for her, and not at all about you. You only have one child so it wouldn't have been the same for you, but trying to manage 3 children who are quite close in age can be an absolute mission, and she probably underestimated how hard it would be taking them all away alone. They can really change from their usual moods being in an unfamiliar environment. If you just have one toddler, you can easily cope alone with the tantrum and get on with things but not so much when you are also trying to carry a baby and the 6 year old has needs too. Our last holiday, our youngest two children were 2 and 4 and they were both so clingy and unsettled, fortunately it was just a family holiday and we got on with it and the activities but my children took 100% of my energy and I wouldn't have been able to sit around drinking wine and chatting. You don't sound super understanding of what it actually looks like for her which might be why she wasn't keen for you to see her/her toddler in that state. I wouldn't cut her off as a friend but just ease off, I wouldn't be sending gifts for children you don't really see anyway.

Why are you being so unpleasant?

You didn’t answer my question - do you have the type of friendship that is relaxed and happy with a messy, casual catch up in each other’s hotel room, without any need to dress up, or worry about cleaning up any mess in the room. Who’d be happy with a couple of sandwiches from M&S and to share a bottle of prosecco using the glasses from the hotel bathroom, while being interrupted by the kids?

I have friends who I feel comfortable enough when having a bad week to be that relaxed with.

I have other friends who are great fun to meet up with when everything is going well but can’t roll with the messy stuff.

You keep mentioning room service. I’d never expect a friend to order overpriced alcohol and often very limited room service food for me.

You keep saying how capable your friend has always been.

So in this scenario she wasn’t coping for some reason in which case give her grace

or

She’s just not that into you anymore - so let it drift away.