AIBU or is this understandable?

FFS the only person obsessed with snacks is the OP.

I suggested bringing lunch, wine and treat for the kids because that’s what I’d do for my friends in the same situation.

By your own admission, you haven’t actually spoken to this ‘friend’ for two years:

We’ve never FaceTimed or spoken on the phone and I don’t think either of us would want to start.

In which time she’s (possibly) had two babies, certainly one pregnancy and has given birth only 6 months ago.

Instead of actually speaking to her and asking if she’s OK, even when you appear to have concerns about how much support she has from her husband, you’ve asked strangers on the internet if you’re being unreasonable to be upset she didn’t make more effort to see you.

When she’d travelled all the way to your city with v young children, had arranged to see you twice. But then couldn’t make it because her toddler was so demanding she didn’t actually leave the hotel for any reason for a whole week, even with her sister’s support.

Yet you seem to think she should’ve dragged all her kids out in -8 to a park or soft play centre where the toddler would still likely cling and scream, making it impossible to talk. Or should’ve invited you in to her (no doubt hugely messy) hotel room either with a clingy, screaming toddler or one or two sleeping children who’d no doubt wake up at the sound of anything other than a hushed whisper or a turned on light.

When people have responded to your requests and given their view, some have been met with your nasty, ill-informed judgment, referred to as less sane, unable to read or comprehend and as c**ts.

I’ve read every word. I understand your perspective. I’m perfectly sane.

I still think YABU. And unnecessarily unpleasant.

Who knows - we are only going on what the OP said. She said kids couldn’t be left with the sister so presumably either the sister is also stuck inside all week or has decided to go out occasionally.

The friend is either flaky and not bothered about the OP in which case she should let the friendship go or the friend is seriously struggling and has had a pretty shit week.

On what we’ve been told by the OP it could be either scenario.

When I first read your post I thought YANBU - I think I would have found it bizarre that someone couldn’t manage a meet up in a week when it’s your one chance to see each other and that she didn’t leave the hotel room at all.

However some of the replies have made me rethink and see a different perspective. But you don’t seem willing to accept any of those and have come across quite harsh in some of your replies - keep harping on about how she is an intelligent, capable, well off woman with access to room service. That may be the case but if she does have PPD or similar then that is completely irrelevant as it can be crippling and means she doesn’t feel able to do the things she would normally do. But it could just be be she decided she didn’t want to see you after all. Guess you’ll never know.

Either way, the more you have posted, the more it seems clear your relationship has probably run its course. Happens all the time - were great mates in your younger child free days but drift apart and end up in different circumstances. No falling out or wrongdoing - just different friends for different stages of your life.

You are being very obtuse about ‘snacks’

Your OP said you were hoping to meet up for lunch or perhaps dinner and a glass of wine.

If she can’t leave the room why not do drinks and food in her room with her in lieu of going out.

We were suggesting you brought the food and drinks because for one it’s a nice thing to do to take one less task of off a busy Mum’s plate and it avoids overpriced hotel room-service or minibars.

Oh I did read. I am also a mum. I don't think you need to want to take the kids out alone, but I get the impression you primarily wanted to talk to the mum not play with the kids, which is fine, but frankly in a park or a soft play with kids those ages, I would have spent the time struggling to hold the baby while chasing the toddler! Unless we were meeting because you WANTED to play with /help look after my kids, there would have been little point in meeting.

Because you said to me

I’m not sure a walk, park or soft play suggests I’m expecting her to dress up.

And my point was being too exhausted to get dressed at all and get everyone else dressed - not dressed up.

You can’t seem to envisage a scenario where your friend has too much on her plate with this particular situation to meet your expectations for this meet up.

You haven’t once answered the question about whether you’d have been happy just hanging out in her room no matter what state everyone was in. And whether your friend knows you’d be happy with that.

Surely we've established the real problem here was how remiss you were in failing to bring SNACKS!

Of course it's all about the snacks, what other possible reasons could there be for her actions?! In fact, it's highly likely the only reason she visited your city in the first place was to sample whatever local snack type delicacy it's famous for. If you were a true friend you'd have known this. Clearly even when she cancelled plans and was vague and non-committal in her responses she was expecting you to know that what she really wanted was to bring some of said delicacies/snacks, and your failure to mind read that obvious social cue has rightly sent you to the friend naughty step.

Your friendship could have been saved if only you'd ignored what she actually messaged you (or didn't message) and made sure you got those precious snacks to her hotel room like you were reenacting the Cadbury's Milk Tray man advert😂

In all seriousness there are some bonkers responses on this thread! OP you're not being unreasonable at all.

This is definitely one of those occasions where you are not interested to know if you are unreasonable. I’m wondering if you yourself would have happily taken your son for a walk with a friend in -8 temperatures when he was 6 months old?

I don’t think you’re wrong. You clearly live your life in a v different way to me and my friends. For instance, I speak to my friends regularly. You don’t.

To each her own. There’s no wrong or right.

You asked for views. You asked if it was to be expected when travelling with kids. I gave my view, as I’ve travelled with three kids of those ages. My answer was effectively, yes, it is to be expected with kids of those ages in certain circumstances.

Women can have abusive, unsupportive partners. Women can have postpartum depression. Women can struggle when they are the sole carer for three very young children. It can be very difficult to tell people about, especially people you haven’t seen or spoken to for years. That’s why I suggested actually talking to your friend, as have others.

If you don’t want to hear views, and approaches which differ from your own, why ask? It appears you’ve decided that your friend is at fault. That’s fine. You know her. We don’t.