AIBU or is this understandable?

If all it was was an upset toddler then your friend, who you keep telling us is a capable adult woman who managed to get three children across Europe, and had her sister with her, would not have had to cancel all her plans and stay in a hotel and not go out for a whole week.

If you believe her when she tells you that's what happened, then something was seriously wrong.

I've forgotten the timeline now but if you only discovered that she'd not been out of the hotel the whole week after the week was over - then there's not much you could do. But now you know that's the scenario I don't understand why you've jumped to calling her flaky or rude before worrying about her.

Unless deep down you don't believe her, and you think she just couldn't be bothered to make the effort and has made an excuse.

@Furning I'm afraid I can only conclude that some people here have either never been to a hotel or never had a friend. Or both?

Yes when bored of having the same old meals at home.

I imagine room service in a hotel in a new city is rather more of a novelty though. Or even venturing to the hotel restaurant or cafe/bar if OP friend could have stretched to that. But it's all irrelevant because OP offered to go to the hotel and friend said no

Have you never done an indoor picnic with small children - they love the novelty.

Well, if you made an offer of a casual hotel visit where they didn't have to prep, prepare or order anything for you and they rejected that specific offer then again either:

You are right this friendship has run its course and they are not bothered about seeing you

Or your friend was really struggling and needs your sympathy and not judgement.

I honestly don't see what's so strange about bringing gifts of food to a friend. Or taking things to a hotel. There are a few of us stuck in a hotel for over a week now because of the severe storm in the USA at the moment and we have vulnerable family members we couldn't risk being stuck in a rural location.

We all have suites with kitchens and there are obviously take out options and the hotel room service. But we've all brought our own supplies - someone even has a full cocktail bar offerings.

If I had an old friend in this town and we couldn't get out to see them because of the snow (substitute for meltdown toddler in OP's scenario) I think it would be wonderful if they wanted to bring dinner over to the hotel, or just wine etc.

When my DD was a baby I flew back to the UK many times and stayed in London hotels - again similar scenario friends would come to me if I couldn't make it out to them and they'd offer to bring food and wine so we could make a night of it together in a more relaxed setting.

If I'd told an old friend that I was coming to London for a week partly to see them and then I kept cancelling and said I hadn't been able to leave the hotel for a week they would be extremely worried about me and for me, not for themselves.

The OP was never invited to the hotel.

Like eating on the floor?

It's fun for six year olds to do that kind of thing when stuck in a hotel for a week. If my friend had a six year old stuck in a hotel for a week I'd love to do something to help entertain her.

I have a pretty hardcore toddler who was also a very emotional (spicy) baby so can imagine what OPs friend went through on this trip.

Bundling the kid on the plane is easy when you're filled with optimism that the kid will settle once you're in the hotel / adjusted after a few days.

Then it rapidly dawns on you on day 2 that this kid is not going to calm down, and if anything they're getting more dysregulated due to your own stress levels from having dealt with constant tantrums for days on end (largely unsupported by anyone competent).

I can imagine your friend was actually deeply disappointed in not being able to see you but simply didn't have the bandwidth to figure out a way of making it happen in a way where both of you could have a pleasant time

In a few years hopefully her children will be older and she can travel solo, but I think in this case she was probably desperate to socialise and hopelessly naive about the practicalities of making it happen / the toddler has become harder in the interval between booking the trip and the trip actually occurring

Just basing the above suggestions on my own last few holidays with my toddler, who I adore, but is hard work and did not make pleasant work of any of the trips we went on (in fact it took 1 week of me being back at work to recover from our christmas trip to Poland!)

Pyjama carpet picnic with the ubiquitous naked toddler

Edited to delete duplicate post

That's not true. There was at least one poster wittering on about bringing Pringles and I'm sure there were others talking about bringing stuff.

Having a clingy child is not "a really horrible experience" though, it's a rubbish holiday but it's not - as someone also described the journey - "traumatic".
OP is miffed, as I would be if my friend was that close and couldn't find a single moment for me in a week.

I think what's surprising me on this thread is how the op describes an alleged friend having a really horrible experience, but can only focus on her own feelings because this meant her plans were disrupted.

It honestly doesn't sound like you care about her.

Why on earth would you eat packaged sandwiches and drink prosecco out of a water glass in a nice hotel?
OP's friend is both rich, and presumably saving tonnes of money on the holiday by not doing anything at all. Anyway I agree with OP it's so infantilising to say "oh don't worry if you look like shit I'll come round with bovril and a bit of cheese" when friend has repeatedly made it clear she can't see her at all. Leaving the ball in her court was the right thing to do.

OP though I do wonder if it's deeper given your suspicions about DH issues, and now her obviously feeling bad about it and messaging you a lot. She might be going through some stuff. But I would still give her space.