AIBU or is this understandable?

I agree. Some of the posts on this thread have been insane. Clearly there are quite a few people out there who think they and their children are owed eternal servitude from their friends, without having to trouble themselves even to open a hotel door to said friends.

’I did not know how popular it was to eat pre-made, uncooked food in hotel rooms (and call it dinner)’

😂😂 Same

Agreed, I think the OP sounds smart, funny and a no nonsense gal who'd be a great friend. If anything she is under reacting, I think I'd have let this friendship fizzle out a while ago.

What absolute rubbish.

Well I do have children and I am very much on the OP's side on this. What is baffling and hurtful is that the friend got three children across Europe solo but then can't get her act together to see her friend 10 minutes down the road. We have all had bad days, bad hours etc but that she couldn't have carved out one hour in a whole week to see the OP - who was asking for nothing by way of actively enjoyable time with her, only to see her - is simply terrible behaviour. Having small children- which presumably she chose to have- does not absolve you from obligations to other people and other commitments even if they are hard and not 100% what you want to do in that precise moment. OP your updates and back story suggest a woman who has disappeared into the fog of her 'own little family' and is probably a lost cause for now at least. That there may be some red flags in terms of the husband doesn't change the fact that her efforts on your friendship are less than zero and leave you feeling like shit. I would certainly let it fizzle out but I don't think I'd let her off the hook entirely for this week - at a minimum, I wouldn't be rushing to tell her that you understand. You don't and why should you?

I think she just doesn't like the OP anymore... which is understandable given her tone and ignorance throughout this entire thread.

I’ve decided I’m never speaking to my friends ever again after this thread.

Not one of them has ever offered to bring me Pringles and do all my thinking for me when I was dealing with more than one child with the help of another capable adult.

This friend has a history of suggesting things and never going through with them. Gosh. I wonder if that’s what happened this time! 🤔

Yes, I believe the friend's behaviour was thoughtless and hurtful.

Op has had simmering resentment for many years - damn clear from all the follow up posts about how the friend has never visited her in 7 years (big hint there about how close she regards the op as a friend! And only contacting her to say thanks for presents)

This would appear to be the OP’s final straw. It’s been a long time coming @Furning and not exactly like the friend has indicated to you in any shape or form for best part of a decade she regards you as a friend close enough to make an effort for

I find it fascinating that so many posters are fixated on the people who suggested bringing snacks and talking about naked toddlers (when those posters were mostly just offering a perspective of ‘hey it’s nice to do something to make life easier for your mates when things are slightly tricky’) and not one of them has encouraged any self reflection on the part of the OP.

Why do YOU think your friend doesn’t really like you enough to be bothered to either come and see you when she’s ten mins away or invite you round (snacks or no snacks?) when she’s close by?

FWIW I was not one of the posters who suggested snacks or the idea that the friend couldn’t get her kids dressed. I don’t think the friend has problems in her marriage either - that’s a leap, the bloke wasn’t even present. I think the OP has just come across as someone I wouldn’t really bother to see, either. She was probably just having a better time with her sister and couldn’t be arsed.

Gosh I agree with you OP that some of these replies are batshit! You were flexible in terms of both what you did and the timing, I get your disappointment and don't really see that you could have done more. I also agree with you that it's unlikely the 6 year old would have been comfortable with you taking them out alone when they don't remember you.

I do think your friend would've been better off just wrestling everyone into their coats and getting out to the park or whatever, the fresh air and change of scene would likely have calmed everyone down a bit. Bring stuck in a room for several days with a fractious toddler is bound to stress everyone out and just feed the cycle. Anyway, that's by the by now.

You made reference to her cutting meet ups short due to needing to get back to her DH as he's on his own with the kids, and I think you said even before kids she'd rush back to him because she hadn't seen him all day. Assuming you don't think she's making excuses, that rings alarm bells. They're his kids too and he should be perfectly capable of looking after them for a day or evening. And surely she can go a day without seeing him. This does make me wonder if he may be controlling/ abusive or at least a bit of an ineffective dad. And taking all the children on this holiday but him not going is odd. Surely most people would choose either a family holiday or a child free break.

And whilst I appreciate that travelling with young children is more difficult than without, it isn't impossible. I do think it's unfair that you've done all the legwork for 7 years. As a capable, comfortably off woman, I don't see why she couldn't have paid you one or 2 visits in that time - again, as a family holiday (you say you live in a popular touristy city) or for a childfree night or 2. Obviously I don't know if that's her being flaky or perhaps a controling DH is to blame.

The second thing I wanted to mention is that you said you don't have the kind of friendship where you chat on the phone or facetime. I think it's very hard to communicate in a natural and open way via text. You don't tend to get thr full details and it's hard to convey nuance and tone. I feel it's difficult to maintain a friendship via text alone. Given that you have seen one another so little over recent years, I do think if you want to try to keep the friendship going then having the odd phonecall would be really helpful.

I've always been deeply uncomfortable talking on the phone. But one of my close friends moved away a few years ago (only an hour's drive but means we've gone from seeing eachother every week to every couple of months) and I forced myself to have the occasional facetime or call with her and I'm far more relaxed with it now. We can talk for hours and it definitely helps me feel more connected to her.

Anyway, if I were you I'd have an honest conversation with my friend, letting her know what you've said here, that you're sad not to have met and that you feel things have been a bit one sided the last few years, but be clear that you aren't moaning at her but are concerned that she might be having a tough time.

Good luck OP.

Really strange behaviour from your friend OP and I would be really hurt. My first thought was perhaps there were problems with her marriage.

The suggestions of snacks and taking kids out are utterly bonkers!

😂missed that.
Maybe if your friend had told you she was having an acute mental or physical health crisis. Or even if she said more obliquely that she was "struggling". She just said she had one clingy child. It would be mad to start insisting you're coming round for carpet cuisine 😂

There you go @wordler - the post you missed where OP offered to go to the hotel.

That's some reach there to blame the OP. The friend never replied about meeting at the hotel. The friend could have replied suggesting OP could come to friend's room: which would have been a more logical and normal response, given the friend is the one who would know what she felt up to do, than the OP coming up with even more suggestions.

Indoor picnics came up because the OP said she messaged with the option of walks, parks and soft play and as various people pointed out the friend did not want to, or felt she couldn't leave the hotel so all those options were unavailable.

The alternative was to suggest things the friend and kids could do with the OP without leaving the hotel room. If the OP offered specific things like that I missed it.

No, the opposite.

The OP asked was she being unreasonable to be hurt and annoyed that her friend flaked out on meeting her on a week when she'd said she was visiting specifically to meet her.

And my response is that an old friend who has been there for you in the past, who reached out to let you know she wanted to see you on a specific trip, and then flakes out is odd.

I'd give my friends the benefit of the doubt in that situation and assume that something serious was happening, rather than be hurt and annoyed.

The OP was never invited to the hotel so the question of should she or shouldn't she have brought snacks is academic. Posters banging on about snacks, picnics and pyjama parties are on a frolic of their own.

The friend was on holiday with her sister who presumably helped. The friend gave no indication that she wanted help or that the OP would be welcome at the hotel.

But that's my point - it seems as though this normally very capable woman has had something happen on this trip that has made her struggle and as you say a tantruming toddler wouldn't be a normal deal breaker for an experienced mother of three.

So if it was one of my friends I would be giving the benefit of the doubt and assume that something more serious or stressful was going on.

Sothe op has fucked up here by not inventing some kind of elaborate bullshit mental health origin story to why her friend essentially ghosted her on a trip. Got it 😅

Jesus Christ the woman had a toddler to deal with. Some of you are making it out like there was a tsunami or she developed a terminal illness or something.

If the friend wanted to see the op she would have. A toddler meltdown is just about the most pathetic excuse ive ever heard and as for suggestions the op should have gone over there and whisked a kid off for a fun daytrip while bringing her friend (staying in a posh hotel) pringles ans triangle sandwiches...😂 all I cam say is I assume you stay in "wear your dressing gown to the all you can eat buffet" style hotels

Agggh - I will try one last time. When people are struggling with something they don't have the bandwidth to make plans and decisions and weigh up different options in the normal way because they are already too exhausted with whatever is going on with them.

It's why when someone is going through something difficult, whether that's ill health, a bereavement, being in the weeds with newborns etc, it's not very helpful to ask "what can I do to help" or to offer multiple scenarios to choose from. The most helpful thing is to choose one thing that you know is supportive and do it, or offer it.

This is assuming that your friend was really struggling. If she was really struggling and FFS not being able to leave the hotel for the whole week suggest that, then offering multiple options for a meet up which involve her expending energy choosing an option, worrying about facilitating it and managing to make it happen is very stressful.

You offered several out of the hotel options that you now know she couldn't cope with and you said you also offered to come to the hotel. But you have still not explained what you meant by that. Did she know what you meant? Did coming to the hotel mean she had to meet you in the restaurant or bar? Did it mean she had to tidy up the room, get everyone presentable, order drinks and room service for you? Did the offer to come to the hotel feel like an extra burden or a relief to be able to see an old friend in a casual environment?

When you offered to meet at the hotel, what kind of catch up were you imagining?