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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is this understandable?

388 replies

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 15:06

Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/02/2026 14:40

If the child was that upset, you'd hardly have been having a catch up would you. The fact she didn't go out demonstrates that she wasn't letting you down per se, she was having a genuinely shit time. In which case offering an extra pair of hands/taking a child is a genuine friend thing to do.

If I’d seen her, I’d have been an extra pair of hands, wouldn’t I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 15:04

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:38

Nobody said she EXPECTED you to.take.the kids out.

Someone suggested that you might have offered given you knew she was having a really tough time and your response was appalling as a so called friend.

Show quote history

I don’t want to spend a day babysitting a child I don’t know. Babysitting the kids, sending them gifts - all apparently expected and a sign of being a good friend.

But I shouldn’t expect any time or conversation with my friend? We don’t holiday together any more, although she says every few months that we should book somewhere then she, reasonably, can’t leave the kids. When I visit her, she needs to get home early to see her husband. When she visits me, I should step up and babysit but not expect a conversation with her? Where exactly is the friendship for me?

Not to mention how odd the six year old would find it in a strange country with a woman she’d have no memory of.

OP posts:
Uricon2 · 01/02/2026 15:03

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one

Her children are lovely but I don’t know them and I’m not friends with them.

But you are godmother to one of them.

Dartmoorcheffy · 01/02/2026 15:01

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:42

To be clear, you think I should go and take out a six year old child I haven’t seen in two years to help out her mother who I also haven’t seen in two years, without actually seeing my friend?

Her children are lovely but I don’t know them and I’m not friends with them.

She got three kids across Europe. I dare say she could get them across a corridor.

Edited
Show quote history

Maybe because the 6 year old is your goddaughter?

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 01/02/2026 14:55

So she was on "holiday" with her sister and 3 kids in a cold city and never left the hotel 😵‍💫sounds shit!!!

I've got a 3 and 2 yr old.
Yanbu.
I'd have said are you willing to come meet for a few hours after kids go to sleep on a couple of evenings... we can gave a wine in rhe lobby while my sister watched the kids.

Your friend is 6m postpartum though and has 3 kids so it may be her brain is just fucking fried (which would explain going to a beautiful city in winter and trapping the kids inside the hotel for a week 😵‍💫)

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:54

KimberleyClark · 01/02/2026 14:35

So her sister could have looked after the kids while your friend and you had a catchup?

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I think this is what was initially envisaged but it was impossible for my friend to leave the toddler.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:50

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/02/2026 14:35

It sounds like she must have been having the time from hell. And then some! Maybe try having a little sympathy for her rather than making it all about you OP. You’d seriously drop her as a friend because she was having a shit time with her kids and couldn’t see you because of that?!

Try and read the OP again. I did not say I would drop her as a friend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:49

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:30

A city break with kids of those ages sounds like a nightmare! I can't even imagine trying to get out of the hotel with them in tow tbh and no other parent or help.

I bet she feels rotten having cancelled. She was obviously good-intentioned when she initially contacted you.

Also it's embarrassing to have to take a screaming toddler places and also try to deal with other kids in front of other people (particularly an old friend with no kids).

I can definitely say that I underestimated motherhood before I had kids! Not on purpose but I just couldn't even fathom the years of exhaustion.

As another poster said, I probably would have said... hey I'll drop in for 10 minutes with some treats or games for the kids, I won't stay long just to see you guys is all. (But again, I say this as a parent... if I was childless I'd probably also be miffed)

I did say I’d go to the hotel.

And also, the most correspondence we have is when I ship three lots of birthday and Christmas presents to her every year. I was happy to go to the hotel, or the park, or soft play, or for a walk. But I’m not sure seeing my friends needs to involve me taking more treats and games for the kids. I am constantly buying for the kids, and yet when my friend is a 10 minute walk away she can’t have me round for coffee or come to mine?

OP posts:
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 01/02/2026 14:48

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:30

A city break with kids of those ages sounds like a nightmare! I can't even imagine trying to get out of the hotel with them in tow tbh and no other parent or help.

I bet she feels rotten having cancelled. She was obviously good-intentioned when she initially contacted you.

Also it's embarrassing to have to take a screaming toddler places and also try to deal with other kids in front of other people (particularly an old friend with no kids).

I can definitely say that I underestimated motherhood before I had kids! Not on purpose but I just couldn't even fathom the years of exhaustion.

As another poster said, I probably would have said... hey I'll drop in for 10 minutes with some treats or games for the kids, I won't stay long just to see you guys is all. (But again, I say this as a parent... if I was childless I'd probably also be miffed)

You don't need help if they're your own kids! I had 3 under 2.5 at one point and you just get on with it.

A double buggy (presuming she had one) and a walk and bit of fresh air would get everyone feeling a bit better.

MatildaTheCat · 01/02/2026 14:48

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:39

It’s not weird. She was meeting with her sister and I live in a very beautiful, very touristy city. I think she’d thought she’d be able to leave the kids with her sister for a couple of hours whilst we had lunch or a glass of wine. I think it became obvious that wouldn’t work, which is why I suggested the park, but she ended up not leaving the hotel.

Show quote history

This adds a lot more context. She was hoping for a couple of hours of gossip with you and instead got a terrible toddler screaming at her plus her baby and child to care for in a hotel. She was probably absolutely pissed off and couldn’t face trying to have coffee with all of that going on. A few nights of poor sleep and a dose of disappointment left her battery empty.

YANBU to be disappointed though.

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:42

Boxoffrogs21 · 01/02/2026 14:32

Yeah, I voted YANBU because I agree with your husband that she isn’t giving much in the relationship, but you are not exactly a great friend by the sound of it. Maybe she’s reflecting your lack of care and interest back at you.

FYI, you can’t leave small children alone in a hotel room to go and get juice ‘a lift away’ - bundling three kids up into the lift to get stuff is probably what she focused her energy on and therefore didn’t have much left for you; if you had offered to help ease one load, maybe she would have had more energy left to spend on you…

Show quote history

To be clear, you think I should go and take out a six year old child I haven’t seen in two years to help out her mother who I also haven’t seen in two years, without actually seeing my friend?

Her children are lovely but I don’t know them and I’m not friends with them.

She got three kids across Europe. I dare say she could get them across a corridor.

OP posts:
Barrenfieldoffucks · 01/02/2026 14:40

If the child was that upset, you'd hardly have been having a catch up would you. The fact she didn't go out demonstrates that she wasn't letting you down per se, she was having a genuinely shit time. In which case offering an extra pair of hands/taking a child is a genuine friend thing to do.

MeSeM · 01/02/2026 14:40

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Greetings original commenter, I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to see your friend & her Children. This is so upsetting & yes most surely I'm in bewilderment why she didn't recommend you coming to see them at the hotel & I would've made the suggestion myself if I were in your shoes. It seems you've got a good solid friendship so even now they've returned home, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough for some gentle honesty & I'd recommend saying "I'm just wondering why we didn't agree to meeting at your hotel so your Children didn't need to contend with the possible upset of transitions? I don't see how such gentle openness could offend your friend & might even make your friendship stronger... Wishing you the best & some well deserved enlightenments

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:39

Winter2020 · 01/02/2026 14:34

I wonder why she went on this "holiday" in the first place - it sounds extremely weird.

It’s not weird. She was meeting with her sister and I live in a very beautiful, very touristy city. I think she’d thought she’d be able to leave the kids with her sister for a couple of hours whilst we had lunch or a glass of wine. I think it became obvious that wouldn’t work, which is why I suggested the park, but she ended up not leaving the hotel.

OP posts:
BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:38

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:36

If you think it’s okay to be in the vicinity as a friend for the first time in two years and not speak to them but expect them to take your kids out, then I wouldn’t want to see you either.

Show quote history

Nobody said she EXPECTED you to.take.the kids out.

Someone suggested that you might have offered given you knew she was having a really tough time and your response was appalling as a so called friend.

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:36

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:34

Wow... I wouldn't want to see you either with my kids with that attitude

Show quote history

If you think it’s okay to be in the vicinity as a friend for the first time in two years and not speak to them but expect them to take your kids out, then I wouldn’t want to see you either.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 01/02/2026 14:35

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:34

She was meeting up with her sister at the hotel so it wasn’t just her and the three kids.

I do think it was a strange decision to keep three young kids inside though. It is -8 so very cold, which I guess the kids aren’t used to, but bright and sunny.

Show quote history

So her sister could have looked after the kids while your friend and you had a catchup?

HundredMilesAnHour · 01/02/2026 14:35

It sounds like she must have been having the time from hell. And then some! Maybe try having a little sympathy for her rather than making it all about you OP. You’d seriously drop her as a friend because she was having a shit time with her kids and couldn’t see you because of that?!

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:34

RegalDiamondMonster · 01/02/2026 14:30

Goodness if she really just stayed in a hotel room with three young kids, one inconsolable, that must have been horrific for all of them. If I were her I'd have asked you over there a lot as a distraction/extra pair of hands. Maybe she was trying to spare you the carnage. Mine were always better getting out and about. Sounds hard.

Edited

She was meeting up with her sister at the hotel so it wasn’t just her and the three kids.

I do think it was a strange decision to keep three young kids inside though. It is -8 so very cold, which I guess the kids aren’t used to, but bright and sunny.

OP posts:
Winter2020 · 01/02/2026 14:34

I wonder why she went on this "holiday" in the first place - it sounds extremely weird.

BudgetBuster · 01/02/2026 14:34

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:30

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one 🙄.

Show quote history

Wow... I wouldn't want to see you either with my kids with that attitude

WelcometomyUnderworld · 01/02/2026 14:34

CocoChunnel · 01/02/2026 14:22

Nice bit of victim blaming 🙄

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A bit dramatic. The OP is not a victim and if my friend had travelled but couldn’t leave her hotel room because of her children, I’d want to help her out. Presumably the friend (and any normal person) doesn’t think being trapped in a room with a screaming child is better than seeing the OP, so surely if anyone is a victim it’s the friend?!

Boxoffrogs21 · 01/02/2026 14:32

JLou08 · 01/02/2026 14:27

Friends tend to help each other out.

Show quote history

Yeah, I voted YANBU because I agree with your husband that she isn’t giving much in the relationship, but you are not exactly a great friend by the sound of it. Maybe she’s reflecting your lack of care and interest back at you.

FYI, you can’t leave small children alone in a hotel room to go and get juice ‘a lift away’ - bundling three kids up into the lift to get stuff is probably what she focused her energy on and therefore didn’t have much left for you; if you had offered to help ease one load, maybe she would have had more energy left to spend on you…

Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:31

Bearbookagainandagain · 01/02/2026 14:29

Do you know what she did during her visit? I assume she didn't stay in her hotel room all week.

I agree that it wasn't really nice of her not to make the time, but it sounds like she had a really shit holiday (I'd never take 3 kids like that on my own! 😵)... It probably made it worse for her to try settling her toddler instead of meeting out with you, but sometimes we just don't think straight in those situations.

She did stay in the hotel. Nothing else.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 01/02/2026 14:30

JLou08 · 01/02/2026 14:27

Friends tend to help each other out.

Show quote history

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one 🙄.

OP posts: