Page 12 | AIBU or is this understandable?

Furning · 2026-02-01T14:08:25+00:00

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days. We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up. The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids. She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up. I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house? AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

Middlemarch123 · 01/02/2026 16:45

This is all a mountain out of a molehill. I get how you feel OP, and I totally get how it must have been hard for your friend. Naturally you are disappointed, but it really doesn’t matter at all. Your friendship is fine, so just let it go and carry on as before. She’s disappointed too, but she’s struggling with three little ones. You sound lovely by the way, so ignore some of the nasty comments. MN can be very unpleasant sometimes 🌹

pouletvous · 01/02/2026 16:41

The toddler was “unsettled “ due to being confined to a hotel room for days

figgyputty · 01/02/2026 16:39

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:22

No, sorry, I would not be willing to take out kids I don’t know for a friend who hasn’t had a conversation with me first.

The six year old would hardly want to be out with a stranger either.

I saw my godmother when she came round to see my mother. She never took me out alone and nor would I expect her to.

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🤷‍♀️ I guess I come from a different culture to you. I have a standalone relationship with my godmother. Being a godmother is more than just a title or one day in a church.
Anyway, getting of point now. I stand by my opinion but you do you.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:37

Wemetatascoutcamp · 01/02/2026 16:33

OP years ago I had a friend who criticised me & my parenting- she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get my toddler to just “behave” and thought children should just fit in with parents plans- 6 years later she found out when she had her own son the reality of life with young children.

If your friend had been out and about all week and just didn’t meet you i’d have thought she was a rubbish friend but she didn’t she was stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children- that is not fun for anyone. From your posts it doesn’t sound like you have much experience of young children and your friend probably realises you wouldn’t have appreciated catching up in her hotel room with a screaming toddler and 2 other children, you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend but thats fairly difficult when young children are involved. I think possibly you and your friend are at different life stages now which means her priorities are different to yours unfortunately but don’t take it personally its just life!

I have plenty of experience of young children.

‘you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend’

I have not said this once. I have, however, said multiple times that I was looking forward to seeing the kids and that I suggested many child friendly activities.

Why do people make things up on this forum? Is it a comprehension issue or just the glee of excitement of posting something condescending?

OP posts:

Wemetatascoutcamp · 01/02/2026 16:33

OP years ago I had a friend who criticised me & my parenting- she couldn’t understand why I couldn’t get my toddler to just “behave” and thought children should just fit in with parents plans- 6 years later she found out when she had her own son the reality of life with young children.

If your friend had been out and about all week and just didn’t meet you i’d have thought she was a rubbish friend but she didn’t she was stuck in a hotel room with 3 young children- that is not fun for anyone. From your posts it doesn’t sound like you have much experience of young children and your friend probably realises you wouldn’t have appreciated catching up in her hotel room with a screaming toddler and 2 other children, you’ve said multiple times you weren’t interested in seeing the children only your friend but thats fairly difficult when young children are involved. I think possibly you and your friend are at different life stages now which means her priorities are different to yours unfortunately but don’t take it personally its just life!

Okiedokie123 · 01/02/2026 16:30

MeSeM · 01/02/2026 14:40

Greetings original commenter, I'm so sorry to hear you didn't get to see your friend & her Children. This is so upsetting & yes most surely I'm in bewilderment why she didn't recommend you coming to see them at the hotel & I would've made the suggestion myself if I were in your shoes. It seems you've got a good solid friendship so even now they've returned home, I'm sure your friendship is strong enough for some gentle honesty & I'd recommend saying "I'm just wondering why we didn't agree to meeting at your hotel so your Children didn't need to contend with the possible upset of transitions? I don't see how such gentle openness could offend your friend & might even make your friendship stronger... Wishing you the best & some well deserved enlightenments

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Is that AI speak? Or are you a robot?

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:28

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:26

Good idea

I think it will just fizzle out

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This is what my husband thinks. Stop sending gifts, let it fizzle out.

OP posts:

whistlesandbells · 01/02/2026 16:27

No I wouldn’t get upset about this. It was -8 degrees with kids, some of who were unwell. I am not sure I believe she didn’t leave the hotel all week. But it wouldn’t matter to me, it was her choice and she messaged to say sorry it didn’t work out. You also offered to go to her. Just let it go.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:27

FailMeOnce · 01/02/2026 16:23

Yeah, OK, even so. You are the public!

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I am a member of the public, certainly, but one person is not the public.

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Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:26

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:25

I’m not making the trip to see her again. It has been too one sided for too long.

My friend thinks the toddler was unsettled because of the change of location.

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Good idea

I think it will just fizzle out

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:25

MorningActivity · 01/02/2026 16:21

@Furning i get you’re disappointed. With good reasons. It’s frustrating to know a very good friend is so close agd you can’t see each other.

However, I strongly disagree with your dh. I don’t think her reaction says anything but a new of 3 getting totally overwhelmed.
I mean she was with a 6 months old. That, in itself, can be hard work when you travel, stay in a hotel etc…. Add a toddler that is unsettled? So unsettled you can’t get out of the hotel at all? That must have been a nightmare.
I suspect she both 1- didn’t want you to have to deal with the toddler tantrums and 2- didn’t want the pressure to ‘catch up’ whilst dealing with her dcs/toddler.

I feel you both did the best you could. You were flexible, offered to meet up in different ways, stayed in contact etc…
She did the best she could with her 3 kids. And that was staying at the hotel.
No one is wrong here.

Tbh I’d send her a message to tell her that you’re disappointed it didn’t work out but are looking forward to see her in person. Maybe tryimg to organise something else (on her ground so toddler isn’t as unsettled etc… for example).

Im also Wonderimg if said toddler has always been hard work or is getting harder and harder work. Several days of being do unsettled that you can’t leave a hotel room makes me wonder if something else isn’t going on (eg ND for the toddler, or being ill etc…)

I’m not making the trip to see her again. It has been too one sided for too long.

My friend thinks the toddler was unsettled because of the change of location.

OP posts:

Starlight7080 · 01/02/2026 16:24

She was probably exhausted and didnt think you would mind.
A 6 month old , toddler and 6 year old! And as you have said its -8 so going out is not practical. Especially if she wants to avoid any of them getting sick.
I bet she just tried to get by everyday and was rushing around trying to care for the 3 of them .

FailMeOnce · 01/02/2026 16:23

Furning · 01/02/2026 15:39

It didn’t have to be meeting in public.

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Yeah, OK, even so. You are the public!

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:22

figgyputty · 01/02/2026 16:17

Wow, thankfully my godmother never thought of me that way and actually wanted to spend time with me. Either way, taking one child of her hands for say an hr might have offered a moments respite so when you got back she might have been able to spend some time with you/have a coffee at the hotel.
I don't think she was unreasonable or rude, you're obviously in different places with your friendship now.

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No, sorry, I would not be willing to take out kids I don’t know for a friend who hasn’t had a conversation with me first.

The six year old would hardly want to be out with a stranger either.

I saw my godmother when she came round to see my mother. She never took me out alone and nor would I expect her to.

OP posts:

MorningActivity · 01/02/2026 16:21

@Furning i get you’re disappointed. With good reasons. It’s frustrating to know a very good friend is so close agd you can’t see each other.

However, I strongly disagree with your dh. I don’t think her reaction says anything but a new of 3 getting totally overwhelmed.
I mean she was with a 6 months old. That, in itself, can be hard work when you travel, stay in a hotel etc…. Add a toddler that is unsettled? So unsettled you can’t get out of the hotel at all? That must have been a nightmare.
I suspect she both 1- didn’t want you to have to deal with the toddler tantrums and 2- didn’t want the pressure to ‘catch up’ whilst dealing with her dcs/toddler.

I feel you both did the best you could. You were flexible, offered to meet up in different ways, stayed in contact etc…
She did the best she could with her 3 kids. And that was staying at the hotel.
No one is wrong here.

Tbh I’d send her a message to tell her that you’re disappointed it didn’t work out but are looking forward to see her in person. Maybe tryimg to organise something else (on her ground so toddler isn’t as unsettled etc… for example).

Im also Wonderimg if said toddler has always been hard work or is getting harder and harder work. Several days of being do unsettled that you can’t leave a hotel room makes me wonder if something else isn’t going on (eg ND for the toddler, or being ill etc…)

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:20

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:10

So you’ve travelled multiple times to her
and not once has she to you

Perhaps she isnt bothered about the friendship?

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Yes, I often think this. But she’ll then message about ‘shall we go to X this year? I think I can leave the kids by December’ or whatever. Then of course she can’t, but she’ll suggest another event or place.

If she’s not bothered, I don’t know why she doesn’t just stop suggesting things.

OP posts:

figgyputty · 01/02/2026 16:17

Furning · 01/02/2026 15:55

Sure. If I was spending a week at my friend’s or her at mine and I’d seen her and spent time with her and the children over a few days I’d be happy to take the kids to a park whilst she went to an art gallery. But I’m not a babysitting service. I’m her friend, and that does mean actually meeting with and talking to her.

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Wow, thankfully my godmother never thought of me that way and actually wanted to spend time with me. Either way, taking one child of her hands for say an hr might have offered a moments respite so when you got back she might have been able to spend some time with you/have a coffee at the hotel.
I don't think she was unreasonable or rude, you're obviously in different places with your friendship now.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:17

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:07

You guilt tripped

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I think you need to get your dictionary out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:15

TreesinthePark · 01/02/2026 16:02

Because your focus seemed to be on the social aspect of meeting up and she wasn't in a position provide that for you.

Did you ask her how you could help with the children?

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Well, friendship is social. It is actually talking after two years of not seeing each other.

No, why would I? I can’t soothe a toddler she can’t soothe. What else can I do? Babysit a six year old who doesn’t know me when I don’t want to spend a day off babysitting?

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:12

Fancycrab · 01/02/2026 16:00

Maybe she hadn’t thought the logistics through. Has she travelled alone with the 3 kids before? Because there’s no way in the world I’d be taking my 6 yo, baby, and toddler on holiday without another adult to help. So it’s understandable she couldn’t leave the hotel but she really should have thought about what a total nightmare it’d be with 3 kids that age before deciding to go

She normally travels with her DH but her sister was with her at the hotel.

OP posts:

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:10

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:08

No I have not. I have made the journey multiple times. My friend has not once made it to see me. Not once, except for this recent visit. And this predates the children.

And when I have went to see her, she’s said she has to get to see her husband. The last time I went for were having dinner. I was going to order dessert and she said she’d have to leave me to enjoy that alone because her DH would be struggling with the kids and she hadn’t seen him all day. That was when I decided I wouldn’t be making the journey again.

I was a fool to have made it then though, because before the kids we’d went out for dinner and drinks, and she said even then that she’d have to leave because she hadn’t seen DH since 8am.

I am happy to wait until she visits me or she can go away on weekend breaks again.

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So you’ve travelled multiple times to her
and not once has she to you

Perhaps she isnt bothered about the friendship?

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:10

DeQuin · 01/02/2026 15:54

Maybe you missed the part where I said "I would read it as 100% she is having a beyond shit time of epic proportions."

In other words, I can absolutely imagine not being able to manage an hour away from a child over a week if they were being really really difficult (who knows how the relationship with the sister was playing out, too). And you just don't know what else was going on.

Can you really not imagine that this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with what a terrible time she was having?

I mean, yes, it is also possible she just CBA and blew you off, but it's way more likely (IMO) that it was not about you at all.

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I didn’t ask her to have an hour away from the child. I suggested multiple things to do with the children.

OP posts:

LoveItaly · 01/02/2026 16:09

I think you are getting a hard time here, OP, I would have felt very disappointed too. I don’t know why she didn’t leave her youngest and oldest with her sister for a couple of hours and meet you just with the toddler (who would be easier to handle on their own), or leave the toddler and meet you with the other two. Sounds a bit odd to be honest, and I have had children so know what they can be like!

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:08

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 15:54

Ah so there’s more to this. You feel resentful about the past too.

Well you haven’t “made the journey” for 2 years have you?

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No I have not. I have made the journey multiple times. My friend has not once made it to see me. Not once, except for this recent visit. And this predates the children.

And when I have went to see her, she’s said she has to get to see her husband. The last time I went for were having dinner. I was going to order dessert and she said she’d have to leave me to enjoy that alone because her DH would be struggling with the kids and she hadn’t seen him all day. That was when I decided I wouldn’t be making the journey again.

I was a fool to have made it then though, because before the kids we’d went out for dinner and drinks, and she said even then that she’d have to leave because she hadn’t seen DH since 8am.

I am happy to wait until she visits me or she can go away on weekend breaks again.

OP posts:

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 16:07

Furning · 01/02/2026 16:03

Saying not to worry is guilt tripping? 😂🙄

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You guilt tripped