AIBU or is this understandable?

Stop sending her kids presents now maybe just do Xmas or bdays only and keep a strict budget, stuff like colouring books or pens etc. Then you can peter that out over a year or so

I would be gutted and annoyed my friend wouldn't even allow me over to the hotel? I think I would have just walked to the hotel to see her if I were you though, but if she really insisted then I would have stayed home I guess.

I think she obvs just came to see her sister ans you were an afterthought/a "chore" and she just didn't prioritise you

So don't prioritise her anymore. I think she keeps you as a harkening back to her childfree days but obviously isn't wanting to put effort in. Which is fine. But you can feel hurt over that.
I disagree with the previous comments about cutting her some slack. She seriously couldn't have just walked down the lobby to see you or had you up in the room for a quick hello? Even if toddler unwell.

@Furning what did she say when you offered to come to her hotel room?

Did you offer to bring coffee/wine etc and hang out with her in her room with no pressure to go out? Or did you offer to come to her and help her get out of the hotel to go for a walk?

I don’t see why she wouldn’t have minded you popping up to the hotel too for a quick catch up but she had clearly said she couldn’t leave the hotel room with the toddler so if you had implied coming to her and then still going out I could see why she said no.

I think it is interesting that you have separated your friend into two people here: Firstly, the mother of three small children you haven’t seen in two years who wouldn’t really be worth your time and, secondly, your ‘friend’ sans children who might be worth going for a coffee with.

It sounds like it was very hard for your friend. She tried a couple of times to see you and it just didn’t work out. Maybe just let it go. If you give her some grace in this occasion there may well be lots of times in the future when the kids are older when she has more time to get together.

So really it’s been fizzling out for years
She doesn’t sound bothered and you don’t really either now

Yes, a real friend would do this.

Your friend was exhausted and frazzled. It would have helped her if you'd taken the oldest child out.

You don't understand what it's like to have children.

I think your friend is going through hell. And over ambitious with her plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if she one day leaves her husband and has her toddler diagnosed or whatever and you one day look back thinking about this holiday and her general crapness in a different light. Still I think you’re right to step away.

I'd be wondering if her husband is controlling her behaviour. I wouldn't cut her off, I'd message her a open question on how she is.
Is their country as cold as your's? She might have underestimated how the children would be out in it.

Things must have been incredibly hard for that to have been the case. It’s stressful travelling alone with one child, let alone three. Does she normally travel alone with the kids? I’d be wondering if something else is up.

I don't know why the OP is having such a hard time from responders.

I think your friend just isn't that invested in the friendship.

You suggested everything you could, she was the one putting obstacles in the way.
An unsettled grumpy child might have been better not cooped up in an hotel room.
I think the friendship will fade naturally, which is a shame. Perhaps start just sending token presents to the children but obviously something for your God child.

I'm certainly not suggesting it would have been enjoyable for anyone. At the end of an hour I'd probably be ready to gnaw my own arm off to escape. But it would have given her a break if only to go for a walk round the block. Even if she didn't accept, sometimes an offer can help - or give her a laugh at the prepostrousness of it.

Kids do have to fit in with parents' plans though. I had a dentist appointment earlier this week, so I was getting me and my 18 month old DS ready and out the door no matter what he thought about it.

Stop all presents.

She is a user.

This sounds spot on to me; your friend sounds overwhelmed, and reading your initial post I wondered if she knew the mask would slip (on this plan, life in general, marriage - something!) if she saw you. Something hinky.

I understand why you feel hurt, and if you think you need some space.

The presents are trickier, tbh - maybe you won't have kids and it won't get 'repaid' but in some ways if you do see it that way, you are also best to stop. It's a signal if it brings resentment or feels transactional. But it is quite an outgoing as well as a sign you care.

It also brought to mind an early episode of curb your enthusiasm (niche maybe),where they fall out, but Richard tells Larry they have enough 'good stuff in the bank' (I'm mangling the quote, btw) to let this one slide. I use that in my own life and you'll know when it's overdrawn!

Why on earth should OP do all that? That said, this is why I dont really have any close friends who have children. This sort of thing is going to happen all the time.

If their own mother couldn't handle leaving the hotel with them, what makes you think a practical stranger to the children would be able to take them out? I doubt a 6 year old, 3 year old and 6 month old would want to go out with someone they don't know.

The friend had a reasonable, workable solution of op helping her take them out for a change of scenery, she just didn't want to take that

I actually don't think you are being unreasonable after your updates.

I'm amazed she didn't bother to take her kids out of the hotel room...no wonder they were struggling!

Your idea of a trip to the park was a good one, you could have met at the hotel and helped them get the the park, where the kids run off some steam and you would have been there as an extra hand. Can't believe some posters think you should have taken her child out for her!

I'd send a message saying its a shame you didn't catch up but not to worry, you'll happily meet up next time you are in the same area and leave it at that. I'd also let the gifts fizzle out as it does sound one sided and like you make all of the effort

I have to say I would have found it odd. Not to meet up. She could have invited you to meet her.
Her toddler being unable to settle for two days to the extent portrayed would have invited issues within the hotel too.
She would have to leave the room for meals.
All a bit off really.

I have read all your posts now and the only "unreasonable" bit I can see is not realising that this relation, as far as your friend is concerned, is over.

I guess the most likely explanation is that she feels it's run its course, but I can't help wondering if there was something she doesn't want you to see. Bruises on her, or her children?

This. I have twin toddlers, l would have got them out and about, the change of scene most likely would have helped

I don't have children. I don't like children of that age. I have as little to do with them as possible.

I would still have been able to work out that she was (for whatever reason) going through a week of utter hell, and would have offered to either take some/all of the children out for an hour or sit with some/all of them in the hotel room while she got out for a bit to get her head together. At the end of which, she may well have had the mental space for a short catch up.

@Furning On here it’s a mixture of comprehension fails and LOTS of projection / making up your own narrative. Your friend should have made more effort. I think your strategy of letting this friendship fizzle out is a good one. She just isn’t putting in the same level of effort, she can’t move 10 minutes down the road but you have to fly to her and celebrated their events all the time?! I used to have a friend who had children before me and very much thought I should run around after her and make the friendship work. Including madness like wanting me to get up at 5am to travel to her house to “fit in around nap time”. She was super keen to say how easy my life was and how hard her was 🙄. With a strong side of “you’ll understand when you have children”, l know have toddler twins and know she talked a lot of rubbish. I make proper effort with friendships and know it’s NOT all about me and my children. I’m amused by the posters who think you should have swooped into super nanny mode. It’s your weekend too, where are the children’s father (s) in all of this and what’s the point of her holing up in a hotel for a week with 3 small children?!