Page 10 | AIBU or is this understandable?

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:37

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:31

What on earth makes you think that?!

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The messages I have had since.

OP posts:

Frugalgal · 01/02/2026 17:37

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

If she wasn't bothered why would she have told you she was coming in the first place? If I was travelling to a city where someone lived that I couldn't be arsed to see I just wouldn't tell them.

I think you've had some ridiculous accusatory and presumptuous replies on here. There's not much you can do except match her energy and let it fizzle unless she decides to tell you what's wrong. My guess is something is wrong but she didn't feel able to tell you.

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:37

nomas · 01/02/2026 17:36

OP was being sarcastic.

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Yes I know

are you saying the follow up posts indicate this Op actually likes her friend? No, not really and has felt pissed off for years!

21ZIGGY · 01/02/2026 17:37

Do you think she was ever there at all?

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:36

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:36

I have never said I don’t have children. At some point that has just been invented by a poster and apparently agreed upon. Whether I do or don't is entirely irrelevant.

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If you have children I’ll eat my hat

TreesinthePark · 01/02/2026 17:36

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:23

I can’t believe the amount of parents who, after two years of not seeing someone, would expect them to come and take out a child (and be happy to send said child off with someone who is a stranger to them) without having any conversation. It is extremely odd.

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It's not odd at all. You're a stranger to the child, not the parent. If a parent trusts their friend then I don't see why they would mind you taking a 6 year old out for an hour or sitting in a hotel room with the baby.

nomas · 01/02/2026 17:36

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:35

This is all getting a bit weird

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OP was being sarcastic.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:36

DualPower · 01/02/2026 17:30

I can see why you feel disappointed. You were so close to seeing each other after a long gap and it didn’t happen. At the same time, reading this, it’s hard to ignore that you don’t have children, and that does limit how imaginable this situation is from the outside. Travelling alone with three very young children, one of them unsettled, is not a minor inconvenience, it's overwhelming. To me it sounds like someone struggling to get through the day.
Also, it sounds like a pretty bleak version of a holiday. Being confined to a hotel room all week with a baby, a toddler and a six year old isn’t rest or enjoyment. It’s management.
If the friendship is going to continue, it may need to shift. Less about what you give materially, and more about accepting that for now, her capacity looks very different to the person you travelled with before she had children. What she likely needs is understanding and connection that fits the reality she’s in, not more presents for the kids.

I have never said I don’t have children. At some point that has just been invented by a poster and apparently agreed upon. Whether I do or don't is entirely irrelevant.

OP posts:

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:36

Why do you think she’s giving this a lot of thought @Furning

Given she hasn’t once visited you in 7 years and only messages to says thanks for presents?

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:35

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:34

Yes, I dislike her so much I send gifts for all of her children’s birthdays and Christmas and spent a small fortune on visiting her numerous times.

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This is all getting a bit weird

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:34

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:30

Damn… you really don’t like this friend OP!

And it would seem if you never contacted her again, she wouldn’t notice anyway!

Yes, I dislike her so much I send gifts for all of her children’s birthdays and Christmas and spent a small fortune on visiting her numerous times.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:31

madeofmore · 01/02/2026 17:27

I think that would have maybe led to seeing your friend if you had helped her out yes. Help her settle the middle child while you take oldest for some fresh air and a nice bit of time together and then see how things are. It could have benefitted you all but you'll never know so... oh well.

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Would your six year old be pleased to be sent out in a foreign country with a woman who is a stranger to her?

OP posts:

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:31

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:30

I think she’s giving it a lot of thought actually.

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What on earth makes you think that?!

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:30

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:26

You are giving this so much brain space when in reality - she’s probably
not given it a nano second’s further thought, and won’t

I think she’s giving it a lot of thought actually.

OP posts:

DualPower · 01/02/2026 17:30

I can see why you feel disappointed. You were so close to seeing each other after a long gap and it didn’t happen. At the same time, reading this, it’s hard to ignore that you don’t have children, and that does limit how imaginable this situation is from the outside. Travelling alone with three very young children, one of them unsettled, is not a minor inconvenience, it's overwhelming. To me it sounds like someone struggling to get through the day.
Also, it sounds like a pretty bleak version of a holiday. Being confined to a hotel room all week with a baby, a toddler and a six year old isn’t rest or enjoyment. It’s management.
If the friendship is going to continue, it may need to shift. Less about what you give materially, and more about accepting that for now, her capacity looks very different to the person you travelled with before she had children. What she likely needs is understanding and connection that fits the reality she’s in, not more presents for the kids.

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:30

Damn… you really don’t like this friend OP!

And it would seem if you never contacted her again, she wouldn’t notice anyway!

GCAcademic · 01/02/2026 17:29

madeofmore · 01/02/2026 17:27

I think that would have maybe led to seeing your friend if you had helped her out yes. Help her settle the middle child while you take oldest for some fresh air and a nice bit of time together and then see how things are. It could have benefitted you all but you'll never know so... oh well.

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The friend’s sister was there and could have taken the kids out, that would have been better than a virtual stranger doing so. The OP offered to go to the hotel. Friend wasn’t interested.

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:29

wordler · 01/02/2026 17:21

@Furning what did she say when you offered to come to her hotel room?

Did you offer to bring coffee/wine etc and hang out with her in her room with no pressure to go out? Or did you offer to come to her and help her get out of the hotel to go for a walk?

I don’t see why she wouldn’t have minded you popping up to the hotel too for a quick catch up but she had clearly said she couldn’t leave the hotel room with the toddler so if you had implied coming to her and then still going out I could see why she said no.

We are talking about a perfectly fit and capable grown woman here, not an invalid. She’s in a hotel. She’s not short of coffee and wine. She knows how to operate a phone to call room service. She’s just got three children across Europe and back. She isn’t struggling to get them out of the hotel. She was struggling with the toddler being upset.

I suggested the hotel in the same message as everything else and she just said she’d let me know.

OP posts:

notatinydancer · 01/02/2026 17:28

I’m with your husband. She could have seen you. Who stays in the hotel a whole trip because their toddler is ‘unsettled’.
He probably would have loved a run round the park.
I’d tell her I’d see her when the kids were older and able to handle a trip.

Xmasbaby11 · 01/02/2026 17:27

I think you did all you could, OP. I can't say either person is BU but I understand you are disappointed. We don't know how your friend feels or how much effort she made. As someone who has 2 dc and struggled a lot when they were younger (dd1 has ASD), I would always assume the friend is hugely struggling and just cannot keep to her plans. I did that several times, not in the exact same circumstances, either cancelling plans because I was so broken I was crying all the time or I just didn't make plans in the first place. Some friends just didn't understand when I tried to explain the difficulties, and why I couldn't do the plans they suggested. It was very upsetting to feel that not only was I struggling hugely as a mother but I was somehow letting my friends down. It was ok with friends I saw often who understood, but pretty impossible with those I rarely saw.

Anyway, we really don't know about your friend - maybe she made no effort, didn't care that much about seeing you and just wanted to relax with her sister - but you know her better than a bunch of strangers. I would accept she can't give much to the friendship now and hope things will improve as the kids grow up. I don't think you should take it personally. friendships wax and wane especially when distance and kids are involved.

GCAcademic · 01/02/2026 17:27

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:12

I knew from the very first present that it would be one way. But what irritates me is that it has eventually become literally only hearing from her when she says thank you for a present.

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Well, that combined with her refusing to allow you to visit her at the hotel suggests she’s not bothered about the friendship at all. I’m with your husband on this.

madeofmore · 01/02/2026 17:27

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:30

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one 🙄.

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I think that would have maybe led to seeing your friend if you had helped her out yes. Help her settle the middle child while you take oldest for some fresh air and a nice bit of time together and then see how things are. It could have benefitted you all but you'll never know so... oh well.

Dreamlava · 01/02/2026 17:26

You are giving this so much brain space when in reality - she’s probably
not given it a nano second’s further thought, and won’t

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:25

Spookyspaghetti · 01/02/2026 17:19

I think it is interesting that you have separated your friend into two people here: Firstly, the mother of three small children you haven’t seen in two years who wouldn’t really be worth your time and, secondly, your ‘friend’ sans children who might be worth going for a coffee with.

It sounds like it was very hard for your friend. She tried a couple of times to see you and it just didn’t work out. Maybe just let it go. If you give her some grace in this occasion there may well be lots of times in the future when the kids are older when she has more time to get together.

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I think you are looking too hard for things that aren’t there. A huge reach.

OP posts:

Original poster

Furning · 01/02/2026 17:23

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 01/02/2026 17:16

Yes, a real friend would do this.

Your friend was exhausted and frazzled. It would have helped her if you'd taken the oldest child out.

You don't understand what it's like to have children.

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I can’t believe the amount of parents who, after two years of not seeing someone, would expect them to come and take out a child (and be happy to send said child off with someone who is a stranger to them) without having any conversation. It is extremely odd.

OP posts: