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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is this understandable?

388 replies

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:08

I have a good friend I’ve been friends with since my university days.

We both moved away from the UK and are both living in Europe now. My friend text me a couple of weeks ago saying that she was bringing her children to visit my city this week, and was I free. I was very free and was looking forward to seeing my friend and her children. We used to go on city breaks and the odd long haul beach holiday before she had children, but obviously don’t get the time to see each other much now so I really was looking forward to a catch up.

The day we were due to meet, she messaged to say her middle child (a toddler, and she also has a six month old and a six year old) wouldn’t settle and she wouldn’t be able to leave the hotel. She suggested another day, then again text to say the toddler was still unsettled and was being hard work. I was very relaxed about what we did, and would’ve been happy to go to the park, for a walk, to a soft play, anything. I wasn’t expecting one on one time without the kids.

She went home on Friday and text to say she was sorry we weren’t able to catch up.

I feel quite hurt. I send the children birthday and Christmas gifts, flew in for their baptisms, stood as Godmother for one. I flew over for her wedding and to another destination for her hen do. But she was a couple of blocks away and couldn’t see me? Couldn’t even have invited me for a coffee at the hotel or brought the kids to my house?

AIBU or is it to be accepted when travelling with kids? My DH is more bothered about it than me and said he thinks he’d be done with the friendship (I am not done and not considering being, but it’s surprised me that he’s expressed such a strong opinion when he’s normally very laid back about things).

OP posts:
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FeedingPidgeons · 08/02/2026 21:28

I don't understand the replies here.

Your friend has behaved very strangely and on the face of it, has been very rude.

It's so strange that it does seem to imply a deeper issue or a disordered mind. But we can't know that.

OP is not unreasonable.

FreebieWallopFridge · 08/02/2026 20:23

LT1982 · 08/02/2026 17:44

Yes, that's what a good friend would do! Your attitude comes across as very self centred, your friend you're supposed to care about was struggling alone with 3 kids and rather than do anything to help all you do is complain she didn't have time to socialise 🙄

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Her friend was not alone

Original poster
Furning · 08/02/2026 19:03

LT1982 · 08/02/2026 17:44

Yes, that's what a good friend would do! Your attitude comes across as very self centred, your friend you're supposed to care about was struggling alone with 3 kids and rather than do anything to help all you do is complain she didn't have time to socialise 🙄

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That’s what a mug would do. Astounding how many parents think the world owes them and would expect their friends to use their free time to babysit their kids without having to deign to see said friend.

OP posts:
LT1982 · 08/02/2026 17:44

Furning · 01/02/2026 14:30

So I’m expected to help with her kids but not actually see my friend? Pull the other one 🙄.

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Yes, that's what a good friend would do! Your attitude comes across as very self centred, your friend you're supposed to care about was struggling alone with 3 kids and rather than do anything to help all you do is complain she didn't have time to socialise 🙄

HiEarthlings · 08/02/2026 07:41

Furning · 01/02/2026 15:04

I don’t want to spend a day babysitting a child I don’t know. Babysitting the kids, sending them gifts - all apparently expected and a sign of being a good friend.

But I shouldn’t expect any time or conversation with my friend? We don’t holiday together any more, although she says every few months that we should book somewhere then she, reasonably, can’t leave the kids. When I visit her, she needs to get home early to see her husband. When she visits me, I should step up and babysit but not expect a conversation with her? Where exactly is the friendship for me?

Not to mention how odd the six year old would find it in a strange country with a woman she’d have no memory of.

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You're very "Me, me, me", Aren't you? I think you need to find childless friends and leave this poor woman to find friends who actually care about her!

NotMeNorI · 07/02/2026 23:30

Jesus, that poor woman! It sounds like she had a miserable time. She was probably incredibly sleep-deprived and wasn't able to leave her children with her sister (and knew it'd be useless trying to meet up with you with them). It's insanely draining when young children are 'fussy' - for all you know she was up all night for days on end, and had exactly one very brittle nerve left.

I imagine she probably felt guilty about it, and that if she could have managed to see you, she would have (otherwise she wouldn't have tried to organise it in the first place). However, your responses here make it obvious that you may not have been completely understanding?

Yes, she may have been able to communicate the situation better, but when you're exhausted and frazzled, dealing with other adults who you feel like you've let down by not being able to do things you could have done before you had children, is the last thing you want to do.

cottoncandy260 · 07/02/2026 19:44

I agree with you, OP, to a certain extent. I’d also be really hurt if my friend didn’t at least allow me to pop into the hotel to see them. Even when kids are at their hardest, if you’re stuck indoors with them, an extra pair of hands, a friendly face, a change of scenery always really helps. It does seem odd the friend didn’t find any time at all to see you.

I have a feeling there may be more to this than just her kids playing up. She saw her sister but not you. Does her sister also live in your city or had she travelled there to meet your friend? Had you friend specifically come to your city to meet up with you?

Btrsun10 · 03/02/2026 20:09

God people on MN are mental. They either don't read the thread and make up shit or they do and still make up shit about what the OP said. 😂
No I don't think you are being unreasonable and I would cut back on the present buying and the trips. I'm afraid it seems to be a one way street.
Sad to see a friendship fizzle out but looks like this one already has.

Original poster
Furning · 03/02/2026 19:43

Popthebubble · 02/02/2026 17:49

Exactly

Although looks like the friend hasn’t been trying to cling on to anything for the past 7 years.

I think it’s just dawned on the OP after this hotel incident

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Except she arranged to go to this particular city because I am here. It’s a beautiful city and somewhere she’d like to visit, but on the opposite side of Europe to her. There are much warmer, child friendly places with shorter, direct flights. It is not a coincidence that she organised to come here and that I am here.

OP posts:
Original poster
Furning · 03/02/2026 19:35

fashionqueen0123 · 02/02/2026 19:56

Did you message her today? Or has she left now? It makes no sense she came all that way and then couldn’t get out of a hotel room or invite you up

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She had left before I posted.

OP posts:
fashionqueen0123 · 02/02/2026 19:56

Furning · 02/02/2026 15:03

No, I agree, it is strange. And also strange that it’s happened during one of the almost non-existent places she’s been without her husband.

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Did you message her today? Or has she left now? It makes no sense she came all that way and then couldn’t get out of a hotel room or invite you up

Popthebubble · 02/02/2026 17:49

BudgetBuster · 02/02/2026 17:44

If she offered 20 or 200 things... it's clear the OPs friend hasn't bothered with her in 7+ years so doesn't out the same value on it as the OP.

I also think it's just a weird setup. It's like they are trying to cling on to an old friendship even though they are completely different people now with different lives and priorities.

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Exactly

Although looks like the friend hasn’t been trying to cling on to anything for the past 7 years.

I think it’s just dawned on the OP after this hotel incident

BudgetBuster · 02/02/2026 17:44

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/02/2026 16:16

I could not disagree more.

If OP had suggested 20 options to facilitate her friend you lot would be complaining that she hadn't offered the 21st option.

And if she had, you'd be telling her she didn't offer it in the right way.

Totally impossible to please some people.

I'm thinking the possible marriage problem and that's why she had her sister there. She might have been a complete, sobbing mess and felt she couldn't share it. It's a shame if that's the case.

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If she offered 20 or 200 things... it's clear the OPs friend hasn't bothered with her in 7+ years so doesn't out the same value on it as the OP.

I also think it's just a weird setup. It's like they are trying to cling on to an old friendship even though they are completely different people now with different lives and priorities.

Popthebubble · 02/02/2026 17:39

Isn’t this just the case of one person viewing a friendship as being much more than then other person views the friendship? Not once to have visited you in 7 years and only ever contacts you to thank you for gifts - she made it pretty obvious how she felt about you @Furning .

and now you’ve seen the light so won’t invest another 7 years in to a very obviously one sided relationship.

Gadaboutthegr8 · 02/02/2026 17:34

This does sound super disappointing for you OP and you were supportive in offering various opportunities and options for meet ups. It sounds like you’ve put lots of effort into keeping the friendship going over the years and are naturally confused now because her behaviour was seriously odd. An experienced mother who is allegedly usually very competent and confident managing to get 3 young children across Europe but then staying prisoner in a hotel room for a week despite a close friend being down the road is bizarre and I’d be very worried about what was actually going on with my friend in those circumstances …

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 02/02/2026 16:20

CocoChunnel · 02/02/2026 13:10

You aren't a very nice person are you?

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I am, actually.

Isittimeformynapyet · 02/02/2026 16:16

BudgetBuster · 02/02/2026 09:05

I think she just doesn't like the OP anymore... which is understandable given her tone and ignorance throughout this entire thread.

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I could not disagree more.

If OP had suggested 20 options to facilitate her friend you lot would be complaining that she hadn't offered the 21st option.

And if she had, you'd be telling her she didn't offer it in the right way.

Totally impossible to please some people.

I'm thinking the possible marriage problem and that's why she had her sister there. She might have been a complete, sobbing mess and felt she couldn't share it. It's a shame if that's the case.

Original poster
Furning · 02/02/2026 15:03

Bamboozledbylife · 02/02/2026 14:34

Some of the replies on here are 100% batshit. I'd be pretty hurt too op.
Being stuck in a hotel room with 3 kids, one of whom being a pain, would be awful and I'd have snapped your hand off at the offer of a bit of support, coffee, fresh air and a park to get them out.
There is no way as a parent i'd expect a friend, who is almost unknown to my kids, to take one of them out. Ridiculous idea.
There's no valid toddler behaviour based reason why she couldn't have seen you at one of the many places you offered to her.
I'd be pissed off, but also a bit concerned. Once I was I over being initial hurt that is.
It just makes no sense.....

No, I agree, it is strange. And also strange that it’s happened during one of the almost non-existent places she’s been without her husband.

OP posts:
Bamboozledbylife · 02/02/2026 14:34

Some of the replies on here are 100% batshit. I'd be pretty hurt too op.
Being stuck in a hotel room with 3 kids, one of whom being a pain, would be awful and I'd have snapped your hand off at the offer of a bit of support, coffee, fresh air and a park to get them out.
There is no way as a parent i'd expect a friend, who is almost unknown to my kids, to take one of them out. Ridiculous idea.
There's no valid toddler behaviour based reason why she couldn't have seen you at one of the many places you offered to her.
I'd be pissed off, but also a bit concerned. Once I was I over being initial hurt that is.
It just makes no sense.....

Treatedmyself · 02/02/2026 13:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

CocoChunnel · 02/02/2026 13:10

Allthatwegotisthispalebluedot · 02/02/2026 06:40

I find it fascinating that so many posters are fixated on the people who suggested bringing snacks and talking about naked toddlers (when those posters were mostly just offering a perspective of ‘hey it’s nice to do something to make life easier for your mates when things are slightly tricky’) and not one of them has encouraged any self reflection on the part of the OP.

Why do YOU think your friend doesn’t really like you enough to be bothered to either come and see you when she’s ten mins away or invite you round (snacks or no snacks?) when she’s close by?

FWIW I was not one of the posters who suggested snacks or the idea that the friend couldn’t get her kids dressed. I don’t think the friend has problems in her marriage either - that’s a leap, the bloke wasn’t even present. I think the OP has just come across as someone I wouldn’t really bother to see, either. She was probably just having a better time with her sister and couldn’t be arsed.

You aren't a very nice person are you?

FreebieWallopFridge · 02/02/2026 12:16

theleafandnotthetree · 02/02/2026 09:22

Agreed, I think the OP sounds smart, funny and a no nonsense gal who'd be a great friend. If anything she is under reacting, I think I'd have let this friendship fizzle out a while ago.

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Exactly.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/02/2026 09:51

Maybe she was also genuinely embarrassed by the behaviour of toddler, and just couldnt focus on socialising and enjoying herself. Perhaps she didnt feel as though she would have to present a happy or normal face to her sister but with you she would have to present a more 'together' and organised image with she just couldn't do.

Some people are terrible managing children. My brothers children were feral when younger. He couldnt discipline them.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 02/02/2026 09:46

I had a very good friend who went completely off the radar after she met her husband. Lots of pleasantries over texting and 'we should meet up'. Never felt it came from the heart.

A few times we were supposed to meet and she bailed on me. No proper explanation. Always felt as though she was loyal to her new life and her old life wasnt worth much.

I found out this summer that the marriage is all off. I think he may have been controlling or draining, or maybe she just didn't respect me enough.

I think the friendship is over. If your friend doesn't try to make it up to you, I would stop investing.

BudgetBuster · 02/02/2026 09:40

GCAcademic · 02/02/2026 09:25

I agree. Some of the posts on this thread have been insane. Clearly there are quite a few people out there who think they and their children are owed eternal servitude from their friends, without having to trouble themselves even to open a hotel door to said friends.

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Friends yes... but from the gist of the entire thread I get the impression they are enough longer friends. They are former friends who have drifted to acquaintances.

For my friend, I'd welcome them with open arms and just say "the toddler is being a nut, please ignore" but it's clear that isn't the relationship they have.

There's nothing wrong with it... they were once close but they live very different lives now. Maybe in the future when the kids a re a little older the OPs 'friend' will find it easier to leave the kids and they can go back to weekends away etc.