Hi everyone,
I’m struggling and really need some perspective.
My husband says I’ve “changed” and that I’ve emotionally gone cold. The reality is that I’ve changed for the better. I was diagnosed with ADHD and started medication, and for the first time in my life my mind isn’t constantly jumbled and my self-esteem isn’t cripplingly low. I feel clearer, calmer and more grounded.
For the whole 13 years we’ve been together, however, he has been verbally abusive. He puts me down, mocks my medication, and attacks my character during arguments. Afterwards he denies it, minimises it, or dismisses it completely. For years I kept bouncing back and telling myself this was just part of marriage. I can’t keep doing that anymore. I’m human. On top of this I had two years of repeated behaviour that he knew was upsetting me and damaging our marriage but he continued just the same.
I recently asked him to change his work hours so he could be home at weekends, as we have very little family time and no wider family support. I also raised concerns about his job. He’s 46 and works in a takeaway — a job he told me was temporary three years ago after a failed business. Three years later, nothing has changed, despite him being capable of much more. Financially he has excess income each month, yet nothing to show for it. When I raise this, he becomes defensive, lies about timelines, or accuses me of pressuring him.
Last night he came home and told me I make his life a misery. I spent two hours calmly trying to explain myself, really articulating how I feel and why I’m struggling. We got nowhere. Instead, I felt even more depressed when he said: “Okay, I’ll stop emotionally abusing you if…” — followed by conditions that I stop “nagging” and stop being “miserable”.
That’s what’s really stayed with me. A 46-year-old man framing abuse as something that’s negotiable, or only stops if I behave differently.
I don’t feel like I’ve emotionally gone. I feel like I’ve stopped accepting mistreatment and stopped carrying everything alone.
We have a 10-year-old son and I’ve stayed and tried for his sake. But I’m starting to question what I’m teaching him about relationships, accountability and self-worth.
Has anyone else experienced this — where you become healthier and stronger, and your partner responds with blame, conditions and resentment? How do you cope when abuse is denied or reframed as your responsibility?
Thank you for reading ❤️