My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

Equally, you don't get to "call in sick" and refuse to get up when you have a toddler. You would be literally dying before you failed to get up to care for a toddler in your sole care.
He can be ill when he is at home. When do you get to be ill?

Don't ever think he works harder than you, or he is more important than you, or he deserves a lie-in more than you.

Is it harder than being in the army? Unless you have also done that, it’s not a fair comparison.

Sorry, he’s being ridiculous. I mean, okay, if he has the flu and a fever to the point he is hallucinating, or has been up vomiting uncontrollably since 1am, then he needs to rest. Short of that, he can manage to drag himself to the sofa, put on Peppa Pig, whack some breakfast on a plate and doze a bit with one eye open.

I have cancer. Really quite seriously ill for the past almost 2 years. My Dh does a hell of a lot, even as a company director running a company and managing employees. But it doesn’t mean I don’t have to get up with the kids just because I’m very unwell. We both still get up. We both take them out solo so the other gets a break. I’ve even taken mine away on holidays alone. If I can do that very unwell with cancer, surely your Dh can manage to get up one morning with a cold and put on some Bluey for a few hours.

Being a pregnant SAHM to a toddler is harder than being at work.

I’ve done both and can confirm!

But this isn't a man who's not pulling his weight for his family (or his country) It isn't a man who's had a skinful with his mates the night before and cba to get up with a hangover. He's shortly going on an army trip. Presumably this might involve lots of very physical and possibly even dangerous training? He happens to have become unwell. It's unlucky not calculated. He might be aware that if he doesn't take time to recover it's going to make the army work much more draining and even possibly dangerous.

This isn't a situation where either is in the right or wrong by the sounds of it. If DH doesn't have a form for this then I'd be giving him the benefit of the doubt and giving him chance to recover. OP get up with the toddler, put him some cocomelon on and make yourself a cuppa, take him to the park/softplay later and just 'survive' the day. I do sympathise but I'd be wary of the echo chamber that's formed on this post. It's a predominantly women's forum. The default is (rightly or wrongly) going to side with the female

Hi OP,
is he otherwise an engaged partner with no history of weaponising or feigning illness?
If he’s normally ok, I’d cut him some slack but this in no way minimises your tiredness. What could be some easy ways to help you rest?
is there an ex pat or military family support base you could call on for help?
In the meantime I would say don’t worry if the house is untidy, pop your kid in front of the TV, nap when you can and be kind to yourself. It makes no difference in the long run if you fall behind in the laundry or there’s toys strewn across the house.
I really feel for you. I remember how exhausting it is. Hope you’re ok.

@Idontspeakgermansorry

Go back to bed this afternoon

Calm down!
I think she means he would get up normal time eg 7.30am not 5am

I mean I guess the situation I'm usually in on works trips is I book a hotel very close (5-10 minutes walk) to where I need to be. So to be in the office by 8, so I only need to be at breakfast by say 7:35, which if I shower in the evening only required getting up at 7:25 or so. Which is definitely late enough to get a good night's sleep in. Head to bed for 10:30 and there's time for 9 hours

Clearly that's not going to be the case for all business trips and it's definitely not going to be the case when you're away with the army!

OP, I'm sorry it's such a tough situation. If you can manage to get a couple of hours rest in later when he's up, I'd make the most of that. Hope the next few weeks go well.

They don't! Some people are just desperate to try and make the man the baddie in any situation they come out with crap like this.
Turns out he's a soldier so they'll have to rethink this one.

can you sleep when the toddler naps

DH had a lie in Sundays, I had one Saturdays. He was/is a workaholic and I did everything with the DC and at home. SAHM for 7 and then went back. I did it because we were a team with shared goals. Thrre were significant comps.

@Idontspeakgermansorry I hope your morning is ok. Cd the toddler have videos whilst ypu have the sofa? Cd you fly home to your mum's for a couple of weeks? I'd pay your flights if you were my dd.

Be fair it depends on “the cold”. Sometimes a cold is the sniffles, sometimes you feel like death.

TV on, door to living room shut and have a lie down on the sofa? That was my approach when Dco were small and I was in a similar situation re resting and no support

A cold? That's it? Surely he just needs to get on with it.

Flu, sickness bug etc absolutely but a cold most people just crack on.

The "lie in every day on any work trip" is imo mentioned by people who have never been on a work trip. Or they have better jobs that I do!

He is unwell. You don’t know what his 3 weeks entails or how severe the physical parts will be. Considering training can consist of carrying a 35ib rucksack for 12 miles with a time limit of 3 hours to complete over rough terrain isn’t something you get used to. It’s hard bloody work and he’ll have to complete tasks like these under immense conditions depending where he is with little to no sleep by design & do it despite being ill. Your response is wholly ignorant to what is expected from our army.

When I was a sahm I did find it hard to insist he got up (thankfully mine didn’t care for early mornings, pair of night owls) so I understand the sentiment but he could just transplant himself to the sofa where he can dose. Make sure later you get a bit of me time

The fury I feel at SAHM having to be superhuman because their DH works soooo hard makes me incandescent!

FFS why do men treat women like this and why do women accept it.
For the few years I was a SAHM we shared weekend childcare. How can your DH stay in bed while you act like his slave. What an utter #%*!

Lack of sleep is an absolute killer. I know its a cliché but so get some sleep later when toddler naps or your DH gets up.

I voted YABU but it’s a completely understandable way to feel

I'd say yanbu, he knows he's away for 3 weeks without a lie in, he should be prepared for that, he agreed for you to have one today.

He should get up with toddler, have a relaxed morning with them whilst you rest as promised. He should be used to getting up and working with a cold, and that's no different to getting up with a cold to look after a toddler.

My DH used to have form for this, we used to agree he could have a lie in on Saturday, I'd have a lie in on Sunday, but he would get up at 6 to go to them gym on my day for a lie in!!!

YANBU.
You need more help.. are you going to bed really early? I’d never be able to do 5am wakeups EVERY DAY and definitely not when pregnant. Any way you could find a nanny even if just part time to help you??

I'd say, throw money at it if you can. Cleaner, ready meals, babysitter, go to bed with your toddler, let them watch TV while you doze next to them in the morning... Do whatever it takes to get through this early pregnancy stage. There is no shame in it. It's survival!

If you can't throw money at it then just reduce your expectations right down. Eg. A day only needs food, bath, walk with kid, sleep. Ask anyone at all who can help, to help. You're not expected to be perfect. I would look at preschool or similar to give you breathing/napping space.

The lie in thing is unfortunately a red herring, somewhat. Because sadly it's just practice for the horrors of a young child and a newborn. I have lots of kids and I dearly remember being quite literally insensible with sleep deprivation, for years. I'm still not fully recovered, genuinely. Is it worth it? Yes. Does it get better? Usually... Is it shit? Definitely. Will it nearly kill you? Honestly, yes. But it won't actually kill you lol, so hold onto hope that one day they'll both be in school and you'll suddenly miss the madness. I'm not trying to be cute btw, it's fucking harrowing, a lot. You can do it.

So it's best to force yourselves to adapt now, of course his job is also very full on, and to stick together with solidarity will help now. One morning lost in the grand scheme of early years parenting is a drop in the ocean unfortunately. Do what you need to do (cry, chocolate, rue the day you ever decided to have kids 😁❤️) but it will be easier to get through it together. As much as he is letting you down now, I would also be wanting my bed before sleeping in a truck etc. he's being unfair but the whole thing is difficult and intrinsically unfair ❤️ Vent on here.

Who has lie ins when they are working?!

It sounds as if both of you are exhausted and deserve a bit of extra rest. I don't think either of you is being unreasonable.