My promised lie-in today...but DH "feeling very unwell"

I think given his job, if he’s actually unwell he does need to rest. I have family in the army and at times there is very little chance to sleep if travelling overseas.

But just as a note about your toddler @Idontspeakgermansorry both my DC went through a phase of waking between 4-5 at a similar age. I trained them out of it, but just by lying in their bedroom with them, next to the cot, with the room still dark and told them it was still night time. It was frustrating at first because they just wanted to get up but after a few days they realised they weren’t going downstairs and lay back down. After a week or two they got used to it and would go back to sleep. They’re both in primary and don’t wake before 7/8 now. I started it with DC1 as I was pregnant and didn’t want to be in a situation with a toddler waking at 5 if I’d been awake half the night with a newborn. I would get a camping mattress to lie on next to the cot though.

Although - having just seen he was awake until 1 I’d be really bloody annoyed with him and be making him do both mornings once he’s back!

YANBU . When my dc were young dh had a bad back which he didn't dare risk with bending and doing nappies so I had to do it all.
What happens if women have bad backs ? We soldier on !
he still makes a mountain out of every illness. I'm still expected to soldier on. 🙄

Multi-generational RAAF Brat here…please don’t sell yourself short. Military relationships are bloody hard yakka. I’ve seen many fall apart, including my own parents’. I’ve also seen both sets of grandparents tough it out and celebrate over 60 years of marriage each. That said, both my Grandfathers have given all the credit to their wives for keeping “the home fires burning”…and often lament the strain it put on them, the absence, the lean circumstances and everything they “missed”…yes, his job must be taxing, but so is yours…and no doubt it feels tougher knowing he’ll be posted elsewhere soon. Please just be kind and gracious and honouring toward YOU as well. He couldn’t do what he does without you. Sending lots of love, from one Military Sister to another X

@Cheeseisneeded Stayed up till 1 am fine - yes. Not sure if it has anything to do with anything. OP herself says that it maybe contributed to him overall not feeling ok. But we can't know.. Maybe he couldn't sleep? Maybe he could have but was wasted his time, who knows? Whatever the case is, the next day he was ill. And he didn't choose to get ill to screw his wife over... nobody does that. Do we know if he would have gotten up if OP asked him to? We don't know that either, as it wasn't said. But no-no, he should just F right off for being selfish.

All I am saying is not everything needs to be a thing. And getting angry at someone for getting ill should certainly not be one of those things. Reserve the harsh judgement on those dickheads who gladly knocked their wives up, are away from their families all week being mega-important boys in suits only to then spend their remaining free time playing some wanky game, like golf... If my wife promised me a lie in the next day, but she feels sick, I get up, no problem, because I am not a one-dimensional simpleton who only sees the carrot that has been dangled in front of him, but understand the reality. Throw in the curveball of her potentially being up late watching youtube or whatever? - Guess what, same thing - DOES. NOT. MATTER.

"Mothers are seen as the default parent, they dont get to choose
Pregnancy nausea and exhaustion? Get on with it !
Cold but not so ill he stayed up until 1am and he gets to choose"

Nobody, not one person brought in the "mom should do it because she is the mom" argument. Also, "cold, but not so ill" - not really up to you to decide how ill DH is, I'd rather take OP's assessment. Also what the hell are we talking about when we say getting on with it? Getting on with what? Does DH have a choice in when he gets up to go to work, something their family relies on? When DH is at work, of course a stay-at-home-parent needs to get on with it, as there is nobody else to get on with it... In this situation when there are two parents present, but one is sick, of course the one that is not sick gets on with it. It is such a simple equation - and yes, same applies if the roles are opposite. non-sick parent to step in because that's the decent thing to do. Out of love and care, maybe, instead of "me me me, I deserve, not fair on me".

OP stated no calling in sick either. So maybe it is in everybody's interest he gets better by tomorrow, no? I guess not, as the lie-in was promised...If both OP and her husband was sick, I am willing to believe that the husband would have no issue getting up. We do not know, of course, but there's a good chance.

the trick with taking turns at a weekend lie in with a man who is likely to renage? You take Saturday.

Also, had to add no way in hell would I have any sympathy for him if he stayed up to 1am!!! The latest I ever stay up these days (and very rare, is 12am), knowing full well wake up time is 7am weekdays and 8amish weekends....

Nope him being a soldier makes it even worse tbh. The phrase “to soldier on” literally describes pushing through difficult situations. So he really should be able to get up out of bed to let his wife have a lie in whilst she is growing his baby. For once. As someone else pointed out, if this “illness” hits during his work away are they going to say “oh bless you here is a pension and staying bed all day”’?
So his job is more worthy than his family? Shows where his priorities are lying today and it’s not good. Despite being described as a great husband and father @Idontspeakgermansorry that sadly is not the case today and I’d be quite disappointed in him too.

That is fair enough, and I think for many people work trips do involve a later start than 5am, but after that later start (say 7.30am) they will be expected to do a full day plus often evening of meetings / dinners etc., whereas OP has confirmed her toddler sleeps through the night so if she just goes to bed soon after the toddler she can get 8 hours’ sleep in easily. As someone who hates all the gladhanding and being permanently “on” involved in business trips, I would much rather be at home with my toddler, however challenging that can be.

Voted YANBU until I saw what your DP’s job/worktrip involves.

Then changed my mind again when I saw he’d been up until 1am!

Parenting a toddler is a very important, responsible and exhausting job. You have to be sensible with your own sleep and rest to be able to cope. If your DP stayed up until 1am before his work trip, he’d still be expected to drag himself out of bed. The same should apply at home. Caring for a toddler IS work.

Suggest you nap later when your child takes a nap, while your DP attends to household chores for the week ahead. He could also take your child out for a while, so you have some peace.

No other army wives around? Can't you arrange a bit of reciprocal help between you?

When he is awake later, let him take over for a couple of hours and have a lie down or nap.

Have you been a soldier?

He stayed up until 1am just fine though...

Mothers are seen as the default parent, they dont get to choose
Pregnancy nausea and exhaustion? Get on with it !
Cold but not so ill he stayed up until 1am and he gets to choose

I know it's not the same, but can you get a rest this afternoon for a couple of hours? Might help a little bit.

Hi @Idontspeakgermansorry I was a completely loan parent and worked full time quite long hours.
On Sundays, I always had a nap when my toddler did. Not just a "put her in the cot nap" but on bad exhausted days, we would go to bed and nap together. She would often sleep a good 2.5 hours if cuddling me. I also used to bring her into my bed in the early mornings ... but that may well be a habit you don't want to start 😬☺️

Hope next 3 weeks are ok for you and your husband x

I voted YABU your toddler must still nap etc can't you grab a nap then? Something he won't be able to do at work. Sorry but I know it is hard (I did it long enough and remember the exhaustion).

Can we all agree that getting ill is not a choice to spite the spouse, and being called a selfish pig is maybe, just maybe more warranted for people who don't pull their weight because they are "off to have a pint with the boys" or "out to play golf"?

I think the update on him being a soldier gives me more sympathy for him as i imagine it's a physically and mentally demanding job, if it was a work from home desk job, I'd probably feel differently.

I think it's one of those situations where you both have important needs that just can't be fulfilled because you have a toddler. Maybe just acknowledge with each other that you are both suffering and both equally need a lie in but can't both have one of course. I would toss a coin on who gets the lie in or agree that one of you gets prioritized today but next time this arises, the other of you gets prioritized.

I have a 3.5 year old and a 2 year old and am currently pregnant. I know this situation too well. Its so hard to see your partners needs because you are completely overwhelmed by your own.

I think if he doesn’t have form for this and is really feeling unwell I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think a tour of duty as a soldier is at all comparable to a normal work trip and if you are a SAHM you only have to juggle the toddler and your own health if you are pregnant. Having small children is tough. Is flying home to family for a few weeks while your husband away a possibility or is there a relative at home who would come out to help? Can you pay for a few hours childcare or nursery for your toddler so you can rest? If not just do whatever to survive. TV, play dates and do minimal housework for next few weeks. Got to bed early when your toddler does. Sympathies. Lack of sleep and pregnancy exhaustion is awful but honestly it doesn’t sound like your DH is faring any better. Doing a physical job as a soldier when unwell must be horrible too.

Yes, of course. That makes sense if the cold was really bad. But in our house no cold is that bad (unless its cold and flu, then you have a fever as well...so yes rest would be needed). We also usually dont get time off during the weekend in general unless really sick (3 dc in sports, parties etc) so we have to share the load....not possible for one to do all (often needing to be in two different places at the same time).

We are past that difficult stage though of kids waking 5am etc. We have the opposite problem though, as no one wants to go to bed early...but this means two out of 3 kids are still sleeping for us 😅

Also, forgot to add if one of us was sick and felt we needed the other person to take on the full load then of course the other person would no complaints. It is just that we both understand how two parents are really needed so we carry on colds and all. To give an example Saturday one dc has Rugby match morning and the football match afternoon (this takes 2-3 hours each because of distance). The youngest had music lesson in morning and swim in afternoon. The eldest had hockey in the afternoon, but thankfully is old enough now to get to that herself.

Hmm, the 1 am thing does take away my sympathy rather. Also, would he give up his lie in if you were feeling unwell?

Is the PT thing something he has to do for work, or a hobby choice? If it's optional then it's not comparable to you needing to get up early to parent.

Fair enough, I see what you mean. Obviously anyone can soldier on with a cold but I think in our house if it was a bad one and that person wasn't getting much other chance to rest due to work etc, we'd be kind and give them an extra rest at the weekend if possible. It would work both ways though.

Tbh there's no reason he can't do the lions share today, even if he parents from the sofa and puts some telly on for a bit of the day. You can do a grocery shop alone (buy a pastry and coffee and sit in the car with your book for a bit) and come home, prep family lunch then take a bath and come down and make tea while he has quality kid time.

Its rubbish he's poorly hut life goes on and if it was you, he wouldn't be staying home to look after DC. And if you catch it from him, he is still going on the trip.

He a soldier, I'm pretty sure he can take some paracetamol and manage his own toddler for a bit. Especially if you're making lunch and dinner.