Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being controlling?

469 replies

Limmies · 31/01/2026 22:43

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

OP posts:
snowmichael · 01/02/2026 10:24

TwistedWonder · 31/01/2026 23:08

Agree. Absolutely genetic and bland with zero style or personality.

I would hate a man dressing so dull and meh

Show quote history

> I would hate a man dressing so dull and meh

But I guess you wouldn't marry a man who didn't meet your shallow standards?

SapphireSeptember · 01/02/2026 10:23

Yeah, I'm an older Goth. I wear band t-shirts and stripy socks. No one is telling me what to wear, and if married someone and they wanted me to change I'd tell them to sod off!

Brefugee · 01/02/2026 10:22

Limmies · 31/01/2026 22:51

I don’t want him in Chelsea boots. Some plain trainers and a nice jumper/shirt would be fine. Instead of the biker jacket and skinny jeans.

Show quote history

let him go.
You sound controlling and judgy.

snowmichael · 01/02/2026 10:21

TalkToTheHand123 · 31/01/2026 22:52

You are totally right OP. He should smarten up for you. What a joker.

Should OP dress down to match him?
f not, why not?

LakieLady · 01/02/2026 10:20

xOlive · 31/01/2026 23:04

I love the rocker look. I find the leather jacket look quite attractive.
If I tried to get my other half to dress as a rocker he’d look like a right tit because it’s not who he is.
If your husband was telling you to grow up and start wearing this outfit instead of that outfit you’d 100% find it controlling. Because it is controlling.

A friend's brother is in his early 60s, and still dresses like a rocker. He looks really great, in a silver fox kind of way...

until he turns round and you see his stringy pony tail! The rest of his hair is short, so it'd be a mullet if it wasn't a pony tail, which would be even worse.

Friend has seriously considered creeping up on him when he's asleep and cutting it off.

snowmichael · 01/02/2026 10:19

Reverse this
How would you feel if he bought you grunge t-shirts, ripped jeans, weathered leather jackets, and expected you to be grateful and to wear them?

amber763 · 01/02/2026 10:17

Im the same age as your partner and like wearing band t shirts and dms. If my partner decided he'd prefer I dressed like Victoria beckham and started banging on about it, he'd be told to fuck right off.

toomuchfaff · 01/02/2026 10:15

Limmies · 31/01/2026 22:55

Nothing ott. Not asking him to hire a stylist. Just look more put together and “grown up”

How is this any different to a coercive controlling bloke saying they want their woman whenever they go out in public with them to be the little sex lady, they want them to wear sexy provocative mini dresses, high heels, full face make up and all the other misogynistic BS that would get them flamed.

YABVVU your DH is entitled to body autonomy, he can wear what he wants, he can dress how he feels most comfortable, its his style, his character and his choice what he wears on his body.

If you dont like it then absolutely tough shit. Get over it. Its not your place. You are being coercive and controlling.

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 10:11

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/02/2026 10:09

Yes,

Show quote history

Well each to their own but I call grey and dark blue formal trousers paired with grey or muted blue knitted jumpers dull, boring and"fading into the background" territory.

NotnowMildrid · 01/02/2026 10:11

YANBU
How embarrassing. I couldn’t stand it either.

Men (and women) need to know when they’re too old for certain ways of dressing imo.

Can you compromise, and go with his style, but tone it right down?

LastNightMyPJsSavedMyLife · 01/02/2026 10:11

Controlling? Absolutely
Behaving like his mother? Absolutely
That is not love. You are trying to make him fit your idea of how he should be and not accepting who he is. What really attracted you to him. Wasn’t how he looked was it? Is he a doctor? Caroline Aherne wish you were still here.

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/02/2026 10:09

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 10:08

Did you see the photos?

Show quote history

Yes,

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 10:08

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/02/2026 10:06

I strongly disagree with this, a well dressed elegant man no more fades into tn4 back ground than a well dressed elegant woman.

Show quote history

Did you see the photos?

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/02/2026 10:08

Fruitsherbert · 01/02/2026 10:06

I'm 46. I didn't consider myself particularly old, but I must be if he's an 'old rocker'. 'Old rocker' to me has connotations of a man in his 70s.
Anyway. Leave him alone. Both dh and I wear stuff the other doesn't always like. So what?

Old in comparison to a 3o year old.

Fruitsherbert · 01/02/2026 10:06

I'm 46. I didn't consider myself particularly old, but I must be if he's an 'old rocker'. 'Old rocker' to me has connotations of a man in his 70s.
Anyway. Leave him alone. Both dh and I wear stuff the other doesn't always like. So what?

Rumpledandcrumpled · 01/02/2026 10:06

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 10:05

You want him to look like he fades into the background, from those pictures. I think this might say something deeper about you than you'd want to go into.

Yes, you're being very controlling considering he dressed like he does now before you got that ring on your finger.

Edited
Show quote history

I strongly disagree with this, a well dressed elegant man no more fades into tn4 back ground than a well dressed elegant woman.

LakieLady · 01/02/2026 10:05

mynameiscalypso · 31/01/2026 22:46

Yes, you are extremely controlling. If my DH started telling me he wanted me to dress like Victoria Beckham, I’d laugh in his face.

I'd ask him to give me Victoria Beckham's clothes budget so I could buy similar clothes.

And then I'd use it to leave the fucker.

Imdunfer · 01/02/2026 10:05

Limmies · 31/01/2026 22:55

Nothing ott. Not asking him to hire a stylist. Just look more put together and “grown up”

You want him to look like he fades into the background, from those pictures. I think this might say something deeper about you than you'd want to go into.

Yes, you're being very controlling considering he dressed like he does now before you got that ring on your finger.

Bonkers1966 · 01/02/2026 10:04

This is the reason we don't generally marry a person who could have been our teen dad.

BellaBlister · 01/02/2026 10:00

I think it must be bad if his sister said to leave hin alone!

usernamealreadytaken · 01/02/2026 09:59

Limmies · 31/01/2026 22:43

I’m 31. Recently married my slightly older partner (47).

I absolutely despise the way he dresses. He wears scrubs for work so that’s fine. But he sees himself as a bit of a rocker. Was in a band back in the day. So wears a lot of band tees, leather jackets (ugly ones), boots, plaid t shirts etc.

I just hate it. It honestly looks a bit silly and man childesque. I make an effort with my appearance.

I have bought dh so many clothes and do give him suggestions on nights out. His older his sister came to stay and really put me in my place. Telling me to “leave him alone”. I don’t mind the tees at home but when he’s out I think I’d like him to take a bit of inspiration from the likes of David Beckham which is what I prefer the look of. Some nice knitwear and some smart-casual trousers.

When I say he looks like a man child I’m not joking. I’m genuinely trying to help.

Or am I being a controlling wife?

How do you dress? How would you feel if DH kept buying you band t-shirts and leather jackets, and kept asking you to wear them, even if it made you uncomfortable?

Noshadelamp · 01/02/2026 09:58

Probably time to get off Instagram and look around at what actual men wear, not just celebs when there's cameras around.

KimberleyClark · 01/02/2026 09:57

Leave him be. He’s not a house you can do up until you’ve got it the way you want it.

Charlize43 · 01/02/2026 09:57

Clothes can be an expression of the person's personality. It reflect's their choice, likes, dislikes. It is who they are.

Why are you trying to undermine your partner, make them feel bad about themselves by destroying his confidence in how he looks?

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 01/02/2026 09:54

Yes you are being controlling.

If my husband tried to dictate what I wore he would be out the fucking door.

You knew what he was like.

You married him.

You are the one with the problem, not him.