Dads and contact with kids at uni

You are splitting up with this man and I think part of this thread is because you want to hear that, yes, he's a bit of a crap dad. Which it sounds like he might be.

But his relationship with his son is his to negotiate and it's for your son to either handle it or give up on it.

I think a lot of men aren’t great with communication all round. ExH never did any uni drop offs or pickups, DCs always assumed I would. They don’t see much of him now.

If he mentions it and its ok to let his Dad know then just say to his Dad. But I don't think this is on you, you can't manage everyone.
My daughter grew up with her Dad being sporadic, he would argue and he's not trying to that he was there when he needed to be and wasn't intrusive.

I definitely didn't speak to either of my parents weekly when I was at uni, maybe the first couple of weeks but not after that. Term goes very quickly. I have a great relationship with both of my parents. He's an adult and so is his father is their relationship to navigate not yours.

Yep, my relationship is good with my adult DCs. Can still be close and have a good relationship with a lower frequency of talking and messaging than the OP does.

I just didn’t want to pester them when I know Uni is a very busy time of their lives. I always respond when they contact me and I occasionally send a meme or a link to an interesting article if I haven’t heard from them in several weeks so they know I haven’t forgotten them!

I put YABU only because you suggest it might be "a dad thing". It isn't. It's a thing that your STBExH does (or rather doesn't do).
Personally I'm in regular and frequent contact with my adult kids, as is their mum (we split a long time ago). So no, it really isn't "a dad thing". It's your kid's father, as an individual. It's a 'him' thing.

I make and receive the phone calls but will pass the phone to my H for a chat as well if he’s around.

He’s more likely to send a joke or a photo or video than a proper message though he’ll join in with chat that someone else has initiated.

The conversations that they do have independently of me are usually to do with plumbing emergencies or similar!

My dad barely bothers to message me - if I do send him a message, I'll get a one/two word answer or a thumbs up, so mostly I don't bother.

It's not personal, he just doesn't communicate well with anyone unless they're with him in person. He's autistic and very good at compartmentalising, so mostly he doesn't think about you much unless you're there for him to see.

It used to really upset me but nowadays I just ignore it - we get on well in person so I've just accepted that's how our relationship is.

I would stay out of it. They’re both adults and their relationship is between them.
My DS is in his second year at uni. I’ve moved him into halls then out again and then into his long term flat. I’ve been to visit regularly and we speak weekly and message regularly in between. When he’s home he lives with me. We’ve always been close but I’m conscious not to bombard him as he has his own life.
His dad has never been to visit and I know they don’t phone each other and rarely text. But when he’s home from uni they have a good relationship. He always asks his dad for car and financial advice and that’s the majority of their conversations. They don’t chat much but they’re both ok with it.
You can’t force a relationship, they have to figure it out themselves.

My dh is like a pp and only contacts anyone when he either wants to tell them something specific or wants something. Our kids have all left home now and one has mh issues so I am in touch quite a bit, dd comes for tea usually on a Saturday and other ds I ring every Friday and we chat for about an hour. Dh did hear me on the phone to him once and said "I wouldn't have thought to tell him that" but me and son like a gossip and dh doesn't really.
They do all have a good relationship BTW.

That's a good question! But it's almost two decades ago, so I can't really remember. I don't think there was a pattern, really. But it wasn't as often as weekly.

Now, in the days of family WhatsApps, it would probably be different though.

Taking that pressure of them @saraclara, how frequently did they make contact?

We seperated when he was a baby, but DS has a very basic, barely there, relationship with his Dad. He saw him today for a couple of hours, last saw him last Easter. Think, or hope, his Dad at least messages him once a week.

My DH and middle DD are the same, I don’t think he would ever message her to ask how she is and never asks after her. I speak to her a couple of times a week. He struggles with her and they don’t have the best relationship, which is different to my other two DD’s, makes me very sad. BUT if she needed something he would be there and she knows that.

Is your son messaging his dad, who doesn't respond? Or is he just waiting for his dad to contact him?

I was very aware that going to uni was all about independence. I used to resent having to call my mum every week (down to me as there were no mobile phones then, just a call box in the halls). So when my DDs went to uni, I didn't want them to feel that pressure. So (and to be fair, this was before WhatsApp) I said that I wouldn't be pestering them for contact, but that I'd always be pleased to hear from them.

Maybe his dad is also not wanting to intrude on his son's new life.

But he must have made some effort with you to keep in contact at some point? Or does he stop bothering when he doesnt need to

My ex was the same , took DD back to uni once , nipped in to use the loo before he went straight back , didn’t ask to have a look round , see her room, nothing . He couldn’t tell you the name of her best friend there , how she spent her spare time etc . A year after she left he asked her how uni was , she answered ‘ I invited you to my graduation dad ‘ . Absolute idiot . Some men are just crap

It is between him and his dad it is none of your business

We have family WhatsApp group with DS and separate ones too. I usually communicate on the family one. If it is anything about cars DS will communicate with DH on their separate chat. There is usually daily communication from all of us, but might just be one word/emoji from DS on some days!

I wouldn’t mention it.

Your DS has realised his dad is a crap dad. He’s making peace with it. You prompting crap dad to send a half arsed message just makes it a bit more drawn out, confusing and difficult for your DS.

Presumably you’re divorcing this turd for good reason.

Stay out of it. Their relationship is their relationship. If you involve yourself, when there’s (the inevitable) conflict, YOU will be cited.

Look after your own relationship with your DS, and leave them to theirs. 🩵