AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

I agree with this. I don't think it's fair on the children to have such inconsistencies in their routines. They must be manic with tiredness the next day if they're going to sleep at midnight and waking at their usual time in the morning. You can be fun AND responsible as grandparents. They seem to be quite self centered if they can't keep to a decent bedtime, eg 9pm instead of 7.30pm for instance as children must be tired after a day at school on a Friday.

As a GP myself, they are (probably accidentally) sabotaging you.

You’re being way too generous about them OP.

If they didn’t want to do this they wouldn’t, they’re doing it for themselves not for you… it’s just wrapped up in being a favour for you. I doubt your late mum has come into their mind at all when it comes to being the fun GPs. I’m sorry to say that and sorry that what started off as being helpful has gone too far.

Unfortunately they’ve got wrapped up in the idea that they are the best GPs since sliced bread and clearly outperform all their other friends at grandparenting - because it does become performative.

to be these amazing GPs they have to go to quite extreme lengths around food, tv, bedtimes…, ones which any parent would be rightly judged for.

While it’s nice for you and DP to have a night together, why aren’t your kids seeing friends and doing hobbies on a Saturday? It’s also stopping them from joining a football club, art club, play date… whatever … which are normal parts of childhood that they can’t have under this scenario.

Kids should be around family but not to the extent that it stops them being kids.

If I were you I’d be signing them up to some Saturday activities, arranging to see some friends and knocking these on the head except in school holidays. It sounds lovely for you all on paper but doesn’t add up at all.

you can also use this to explain it - Hi GP, kids need to do some stuff out of school and we are having to turn down invitations to see friends as they can’t manage after a sleepover. So afraid we will have to limit them to the holidays when they have less on and it would be lovely. Thanks for your understanding, but it’s not possible to do both.

And as PP says.....what happens if, as a trial, you collect the children at 6pm on a Saturday

Would the children "play up" for the GPs on a Saturday afternoon?

Well if the alternative is no more sleepovers which are you going with?…..

I agree with this

Your DH has a chat to his parents. Lay down 3 (or however many) rules. Explain why

If nothing changes then you stop the sleepovers. Instead the children can see GPs from 9 30 to 6 on a Saturday or Sunday

I was going to say if op lets the kids stay untill
later on a Saturday then she hardly sees her kids. However if this longer period was cut to once a month then yes . The grandparents can see the after effect.

Maybe do a trial run , pretend you have something on this Saturday and collect them late afternoon. See how it’s went then maybe you can have the talk with the grandparents then. @Chiavennasca

Great to have childcare that often but that would also piss me off! You may find the kids don’t want to go if it isn’t as crazy though!

YANBU. To me it sounds like the GPs are struggling a bit and don’t know how to look after them or don’t have the energy, so they go for an easy life for themselves.

Not putting young children to bed and not feeding them meals isn’t being the ‘fun GPs’, it’s neglectful, lazy and unnecessary. It’s perfectly possible for them to ‘spoil’ them without having no rules. For example, they can stay up an hour later than their usual bedtime; they can have Cheerios or chocolate hoops rather than Weetabix; they can have Nutella on their toast, etc. Just small changes to their basic routine.

I’d cut the overnight stays to monthly or less. It might well be that the GPs appreciate that too if they’re struggling even if they don’t say so.

Maybe you (DH) could broach the bedtime with them, but ignore the food bit for now and see how that goes.

@Chiavennasca im all for grandparents. I loved my time with them. However thinks running a whole weekend with your children. You and them are unable to have any proper quality time together.
Id speak to grandparents and say that Saturdays are a wipe out and could they pleas be in bed by “such and such time “ also no choice in having breakfast . Then collect the kids at 11/12 . Maybe with the new routine the kids won’t need to have a nap as they will be asleep earlier and have ate.

I say the same to my parents if dc hasn’t ate right or slept right, then my dc is majorly out of sorts .

That's quite an assumption you've jumped to there

This, and I would have them come back with you one Saturday afternoon to see what you're dealing with!

Have you ever considered your daughter mine want the option of feeding pizza on a random Wednesday between school, clubs, work. But she feels she can’t because you choose to do it on a Friday?
cooling healthy meals day in day out whilst working FT is hard!
my MIL thinks it’s hilarious to feed UPFs on the night she has my kids, despite having all day free to cook something proper (_ luxury I never have). I’m grateful for the childcare but the lack of awareness drives me mad

OP effectively if your children were left alone they would go to bed when they wanted and eat what they wanted. GP’s are not actually providing any care. They can spoil them by all means but the kids need sleep and to be properly fed!

this 100%.

either you accept that they don’t parent or you stop the sleepovers / limit the sleepovers.

I respectfully disagree. I always took my kids food shopping with me from the moment they were born, and we always had fun. By the time they were the ages of OPs kids, I would give the older one a list and their own trolley and send them round the aisles to get the things on the list. We'd talk about where the food came from and how the pricing worked, we'd guess how much something weighed and then weigh it.... It was a blast and very educational.

Now they're grown men, and we all still love going food shopping together.

I started actively avoiding PIL as late, late nights and plying DC with sweets and fizzy drinks was the default. Any calm request not to was met with an increase in the sweets and me being admonished for causing stress. I don’t mind an occasional late night for something special, but this was just to join them watching cr*p TV, etc. The knock on effects last into the following school week.

Would it not be a relatively simple discussion to ask GPs for a reasonable fixed bedtime and a proper evening meal? Apart from that I do not see why the kids cannot have a fun time on Fridays with GPs?

My brother and his wife were like this. They have a very infantile attitude to life ( I won't go into the problems that is has caused but they are significant).

They were the child 'care' for my nephew and his wife's two nippers and they had to stop due to the detrimental effect on the kids. The kids were going backwards in their general behaviours and becoming as reckless and infantile basically.

Personally I think as a one off , no problem, but as it's happening every week a midnight bedtime resulting in a 4 year old being grumpy and overtired ever week is lazy/selfish grandparenting. The children's wants are being met but not their needs. I think as times goes on it will cause more battles in parenting for you. I would give the grandparents opportunity to enforce a bedtime even if it's a little later ie an hour and that they ensure that the kids only get to have snacks if they have proper meals as well.

I thought the same, then it clicked that this mn and can also mean grandparents 😀

Me and DH do love the time alone together on a Friday night / sat morning but honestly I don’t think it’s worth it for how rubbish the rest of our Saturday ends up being

I'd feel exactly the same

Could you extend the time to pick up Saturday tea time and do this every other Friday/saturday instead. That way you don't have the fall out Saturday afternoon - the gp get the fall out and have to deal with it.

then you can come home and put dc straight to bed after tea

I laughed at 8am being an 'early riser' for a 4 & 8 year old!

Luckily my mum was stricter than me, i would be clamping down on this myself, so a bit more relaxed than at home but tv off at 10pm and must eat proper food before crisps. It’s for just this reason my dd has already asked me if I’d help her with future childcare because her dps parents are too soft (baby isn’t even conceived, but being a forces family you need this worked out)