AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

I actually am a mum, I have two children, and they’re lucky enough to have two very hands-on grandparents. If my parents wanted to have my children one night a week, I genuinely wouldn’t see a problem with it.

I have friends who lived with their parents when their children were small, and now those children stay with their grandparents every Friday because they love it there. It’s not “giving them away”… it’s another home where they feel safe, loved, and wanted.

Families look different. What feels essential to one family doesn’t have to be the same for another. For some parents, support is how they survive exhaustion, work, mental load, and the realities of parenting.

It takes a village to raise children. Having one doesn’t mean you love your kids any less, and choosing a different setup isn’t something other parents need to be brought down for simply because it isn’t how they’d do it.

I think it's going to be very difficult for your parents to change their lack of rules now that your children have learnt that, fe, refusing breakfast = crisps.

Better to cut down sleep overs to a few during the school holidays when it matters less. If they grumble (kids or grandparents) you can explain why.

You say 'they are our only outside childcare so they don't sleepover anywhere else' seemingly completely unaware of how fortunate you are to have family who will do this for your family every week. Many people don't have this luxury.
But, it's not working for you so stop the frequent sleepovers, maybe cut it down to once or twice a month. If you find that doesn't work for you either because you're used to one night off from parenting each week then accept that the grandparents will do things on their terms. You cannot tell them what to do, unless it's a safety issue. This is the price you pay for free regular childcare.

They may well agree to do this but then not enforce switching the telly off.

Id explain that the boys love their sleepovers but that it's ruining every weekend for you as they are too tied. So reluctantly you are going to have to make it every other weekend until the boys learn to sleep in, or to go to bed earlier so that they are not crabby for the rest of the weekend. Ask the gps if they can help them to get to sleep earlier. Then there is an incentive for the gps to get things into a better routine. Explain that you are happy to increase the sleepovers again, once the boys are in a better routine, but it isn't fair for you to have no quality weekend time

I mean half of my family support is either dead or lives across the Atlantic so yes I agree. You’ve also assumed the support I do have is within reasonable distance.

Whilst I do agree with your statement I do sometimes think culture plays a big part into it coming from a mixed family.

Without asking the grandparents to see if they will meet you guys in the middle, I think it would be unfair to stop the sleep overs if they like it. It's fab to hear of a couple of children who love to be with them and not dragging their feet. It's also really kind of them to take them so frequently, it really is and I should imagine in a few years they will be getting too old to deal with children and the children will start to want to do their own thing as they grow older too and the sleepovers will naturally come to a stop.

If the grandparents won't meet you in the middle regarding earlier bedtimes etc, then at least you've tried before putting a stop to the sleepovers. You could try with the food too, dropping off the childrens ultimate fav foods when you take the kids over, then it still feels like fun there for them.

Do not stop the sleepovers! Why turn away the gift of a child free night together?
Ask the GPs to make a few tweaks such as the bedtime thing - a compromise eg Tv off by 10pm.

As for the food, supply a box of their favourite cereal or something they’ll definitely eat. Don’t deny them a fun night altogether!

Your partner needs to have an honest conversation with his parents.

“Mum and Dad, as much as we love your relationship with the boys and how much you enjoy hosting them every week we’re really struggling with their behaviour when they come home. If you could please start putting a bedtime in place and feeding them proper meals it would really help.”

@Chiavennasca it's not overstepping to say to your in-laws "we're finding the boys quite hard work after their sleepovers. They love their 'no rules' later bedtime, but the lack of sleep is showing. I'm going to have to tell them that 10pm is the latest they have to be in bed. If you could remind them, we'd really appreciate it. The upside is that you'll get more sleep too. Oh, and I've told Jack no more Wotsits for breakfast!"

Surely there can be some middle ground?

Can the kids not have a late night without it being extreme? Like stay up till 10pm or something. So still fun and not the normal rules but also not excessive.

Also food, fun out of the ordinary breakfast food which they don’t have during the week like pancakes, cooked breakfast, waffles etc without it resorting to junk?

My children too got up at the same time despite what time they went to bed and it awful having tired, crabby kids. They are missing out too on a Saturday having fun with their parents.

It’s nice that they get on so well with the grandparents and get to spend regular time with them. I wish my DD got to hers as regularly.

However this is how hers do behave which is ok for once in a while, but weekly is too much. I have a child who doesn’t recognise when she’s tired, hungry or thirsty. She can become really disregulated with lack of sleep or missed meals.

I’d gently explain the impact whilst saying you’d love for sleepovers to carry on. Also state that if they can’t pop the kids to bed at a normal time and feed them meals, that you’ll need to cut back which you really don’t want too

Lot of people don’t have family support because as in my case they live 3+ hours drive away or have passed. It’s not a “cultural thing”

It's not Wotsits every Saturday. It happened once, yesterday.

DD is 10 and still definitely wouldn’t be able to.

Are you sure the boys aren't falling asleep until after midnight? Not many 4 year olds or even 8 year olds can stay awake until that time. And are you sure that your 'difficult' Saturdays are due to having stayed with GPs the night before, or are you perhaps just ascribing any behaviour as being a consequence, a kind of confirmation bias? Our DD would have been able to cope with late nights and wotsits for breakfast without showing any adverse symptoms the next day, but I suppose all kids are different.

Wotsits for breakfast every Saturday? No, that's just lazy lax childcare from GPs who don't care enough to set boundaries

Yeah, I feel you're being overly controlling with your kids, especially the older one.

Can you not talk to them about making good food choices; point out that he feels crap now (Sat afternoon) because he hasn't fuelled his body properly?

I don't think the falling asleep over a film/video is that much of an issue if they are waking as late as 8am.

I think it would be really mean to stop the sleepovers. Having a good relationship with GPs is so important.

Reduce the sleepovers or pay the price for your child free night.

I think there's a wide gap between parents being be all and end all and spending school day end Friday to early afternoon Saturday with someone else.

I fear my earlier post was too long. Kids should be being kids with other kids on the weekend. Clubs, sports, hobbies, play dates, art, music, bike rides - whatever they like.

If all you do with them is take them food shopping after seeing their GP I do feel a bit sorry for them (and why not do the food shop online?). I think that’s another angle you should consider.

The kids themselves are missing out, the thread so far seems to forget this.

Your children have fun at their grandparents house. That's what grandparents are for, to indulge & spoil & kick back the routines they have at home. As for 8am being classed as "early risers" i would consider yourself blessed. My 3 never slept in beyond 6am regardless of what time they went to bed.
If it genuinely bothers you, the solution is to stop the sleepovers, but you will forfeit your night off and your children won't be happy about it.

Personally I’d do the opposite and pick them up at dinner time - let your in-laws see what this leads to the next day. But taking two kids food shopping on a Saturday was always going to be tricky! Can’t you go food shopping in the morning before you get them?

I think 99% of parents have never had a day off a week so lots of us are frankly just jealous. My husband and I have had two nights off in 13 years and our relationship has suffered for it. So I would think carefully about what you want in your relationship with your husband as well as your kids. Can you have sleepovers once or twice a month so you have time as a family as well?

Yes. I found this odd too

I wonder if OP wants to keep her free Friday nights without having to step up and "piss off" the GPs in case she loses her free Friday nights

You and your husband are the parents, @Chiavennasca. You can't let this continue, even if you DO lose your free Fridays

thats why I suggested every other weekend instead of every weekend - that way op gets a nice weekend with dc and the following weekend - she doesn't get to see as much of her dc but then Saturday afternoons aren't nice anyway so she gets a nice Sunday with them.

Hopefully the grandparents reap the benefits of their lax ideals on Saturday afternoon

It’s weird you won’t talk to them in case you’re “overstepping “. You are their parent and responsible for their wellbeing.

Also, what’s with the only being fun as grandparents. It’s vey slightly immature. I agree it works if it’s only occasionally, but not regularly.