AIBU - kids sleeping over at GP’s

My parents have DD on a Tuesday night at the moment. They've always done some regular childcare but it means we've an agreement about what slides. She always eats really well, perhaps a little bit later to bed, does her reading and on time to school on a Wednesday. If they're doing anything outside that - holidays/weekends then that can be GP time. It's on me to deal with any fallout!

I just found that when my kids were small that staying over with grandparents wasn’t worth it for me. Like that they had no bed time and the food situation was bad including letting my 3 year old have unlimited fizzy drinks 🙄Which caused him to wet the bed multiple times and was very upsetting for him.

Now my kids are older I find it works well, they are old enough to have a late night and will regulate their own junk intake a bit better.

I’d just leave it till they were older.

I can’t imagine having a night with my husband every single week either (though to be fair we are immigrants so our setup is unusual. We have pretty much never left our kids anywhere without us)! Agree with above - if this has been going on for years it’s hard to see how to change it. I’d just decide if the 24 hours of peace is worth it. Or pick them up later and they can deal with the less fun time of day.

Why are you considering stopping the sleepovers, rather than having a cordial conversation with the GPs, pointing out that, much as it's lots of fun, the midnight bedtimes and non-breakfasts are showing in the kids behaviour?

You give no indication that you've actually asked the GPs to do anything differently @Chiavennasca . So at least give them a chance to adapt the routine, rather than punish them and the children by stopping the sleepovers.

ETA and importantly, don't turn the conversation into a threat if they don't do what you want (as other posters have suggested). Just ask them.

Have you talked to them? Explained the effect of their choices on the children?

Or, better still - how about letting them experience it? Ask them to have the boys Friday and Saturday? And then talk to them about it?

A weekly sleepover is a lot. If they can't/won't amen how these sleepovers go, I'd drop the frequency to monthly.

I voted YABU because you have been so wet about this. Have you never said anything to your in laws about how there need to be some limits? Plus it's sounding a bit pathetic that you're exhausted after a whole afternoon of parenting your own tired children. Get a grip. Either stop the sleepovers and stay in on a Friday, or use your words and speak to the grandparents.

Some flex in the routine is fine but no bedtime at all? For a 4 year old? It's not healthy, it's not helpful. Have you talked to them about it? I would try to establish some ground rules.
I think it's lovely that the GPs are so involved but not like this.
But just talk to them first and explain why it's not working, can they adapt - if not, cut down on the sleepovers and get a babysitter instead.

Really? My DS 5 stays over at my aunties every other weekend and has done for the past few years. I guess DH and I got lucky or maybe it’s a cultural thing.

@Chiavennasca have you broached the routine with them at all? Might be worth having a chat and reiterating the importance of sticking to the routine and boundaries. We’ve had to do this with my aunties when kiddos stayed over before.

good luck!

You get Friday night off, a lie in Saturday and don’t pick them up until Saturday afternoon and YOU ARE EXHAUSTED? 😂😂😂

My toddler and baby sleep through, I know mums that don’t have this luxury. I have no childcare and wouldn’t say I was exhausted.

I agree with a PP this is alien to me. It’s as if you don’t want to spend time with your children. Every weekend is a lot.

Unfortunately as great as having one night off a week is, if the GPs won’t enforce your rules then you need to give it up and cancel the sleepovers.

Once a week is way too disruptive to have a lack of the kind of discipline you want.

PIL are a bit like this not with food but with bedtime and just doing exactly what DS wants when he wants. (He's the only child of an only child in DHs side....). However he only stays over maybe 4/5 times a year so it's easy to let slide, it's usually during school holidays too so not so bothered about disruption to routine. I don't know anyone who doesn't have their children for half the weekend every week just because. How do you do things as a family when it's only Sunday you have as a day together and they have school on a Monday morning? Cut the sleepovers to once a month and the lack of rules and routine is less of an issue.

Have you even discussed the issues with them? Surely if you explained there was a problem, your in-laws would change their approach. I’m a gran myself and have my dgd regularly for sleepovers, and would hope that if there were any problems that my dd would mention it. Seems a bit unfair not to give them a chance to resolve things.

It’s fine on occasion, but not every weekend. I wouldn’t allow my 13 year old a sleepover every weekend. She’d be an exhausted wreck.

You simply need to say this isn’t working for us anymore. Cut it to once a month or school holidays only. And let them have them all day the next day. So once a month, Friday after school til Saturday dinner. Then they can deal with the exhaustion.

Limit it to once a month and tell them why. Hopefully, if they want to see the children, they will create more of a routine . But let them keep some treats and nonsense: it's part of the grandparent relationship. They will so benefit from these extra people who love them. There was a report I saw the other day about children who have regular contact with loving grandparents and they are mush happier, more secure children.

I had a similar experience to your DC growing up. GPs every weekend, no bed time and lots of snacks. I loved it, I had the most amazing relationship and memories with my GPs and I am so grateful for it.
Just take the DC straight home Saturday afternoon and give them chance to rest there. You may find they would be cranky even without the sleepover, since starting school my DC is always exhausted on Saturdays.

One night a week! That is so much childcare it basically tips the balance into a part time carers dynamic. It obviously it can’t continue as it is, with no rules once a week, so you have two choices; weekly sleepovers continue but with slightly less freedom (9pm bedtime, proper food before treats, so it’s fun but within limits) or sleepovers become a monthly thing where anything goes but it’s less regular.

The current set up is crazy all round. Do they not want their grandchildren to eat well and get enough sleep? Do you not like spending time with your children (voluntarily giving up a whole evening every week with my young children sounds alien to me).

Your 8 year old at least is old enough to understand that he should eat a proper breakfast, and if he doesn’t, then he doesn’t get to stay over.

Your DH needs to to speak to his parents and you both need to speak to your DC. Refusing cereal/toast if they normally eat it isn’t on.

I’d be annoyed as well and I’d have stopped this a while back. A reasonable bedtime needs to be agreed. The people I know whose DC had a regular night at DgPs were happy that bedtime and meals were ok, if not exactly what they would have done. This situation is ridiculous on a weekly basis.

I guess having a not so great Saturday afternoon with over tired kids is the price you pay for having every Friday night and Saturday morning free and only you can decide if it’s worth it or not.

I can totally understand your frustration but likewise I can understand why grandparents want to have fun with their grandchildren rather than enforcing rules. I do think midnight is very late considering the age of your kids though and something a bit more filling would be better for breakfast. Is there a compromise you could reach with them? I am sure the kids love their time with their grandparents

You have let this go on for too long and it's now become a thing that the kids are likely to expect and perhaps why they are so happy to go each week in the first place.
It sounds like that actually these fun things might actually be the grandparents bribing them into wanting to stay and maybe they also did it if the kids seemed upset about staying by suggesting you don't need mummy and daddy when you can have a special breakfast with granny, and don't worry about bedtime, our house you can stay up til whenever.

I think as you want childcare every week still then it's going to be hard to tell them to stop this as both grandparents and kids will see you as the bad guy.

If you don’t like the way they do things stop sending your kids there .

The sleepovers as they are sound great for a once a month or so. Not weekly as you say it ruins the weekend.

id speak to GP about how a film in bed and later than usual is ok for weekly but no bedtimes isn’t working for you the next day.

maybe ask your 8 year old to make sure he and his brother have proper breakfast before crisps

If you're unhappy with the situation you have choices;

1. Speak to GP and ask them to make changes.

1. Stop the sleepovers

1. Accept the grouchy Saturday on exchange for child free Friday.

You can't have it both ways .
Friday nights off or miserable Saturdays
I'd go for once a month sleepovers.

of course gps can do things differently but not so much, it sounds like they don’t have any common sense.
Will they listen?
If you think that not I would cut sleepovers however I would offer something different instead e.g afternoon on Saturdays.