To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

You need to ask for help if you need it, not expect him to read your mind then get upset when he gets it wrong.

A flare of what?

I don’t think he’s BU, especially if your flares are every few weeks. I can imagine it’s hard to have a spouse with a chronic illness.

Is this a recent illness? Maybe he’s struggling to adjust or if it’s not recent, maybe he’s just fed up.

At the end of the day, you managed, and that’s the main thing.

How long was he gone for? It sounds like just an afternoon so surely no nearly long enough for washing piling up to be a worry.

I think at those ages yabu. It's really important that he gets a break. Next time work as a team more to prep food etc if needed, or get a takeaway etc.

On a pain management course I was advised to come up with a ‘Flare Plan’.

One the things that’s highly recommended to be in the plan is ‘Ask for help’. You can be very specific about what that looks like. So for example, it could be to line up your meds, make sandwiches and a couple of flasks of soup, and lay out some plates, bowls and spoons before going out.

And/or you both agree with the 12 year old that they can do the sandwiches.

Good luck with it, OP. You’ve got a lot to deal with.

If you have a chronic illness with regular flares you need to get your kids on board with helping around the home- even if you don’t have illness tbh
At 12 and 9 they are more than capable of making a sandwich and washing a few dishes

So he really didn’t notice how ill you are? What a twat.

Why didn't you just talk to him? I'd just ask my husband to not go. Don't be a martyr.

Agree with having a chat with him, but at a good time for you both. In the meantime, chill with a film with your kids, washing up etc can all wait till tomorrow and he can help then. Look after yourself and remember you can’t pour from an empty jug xx

Just seen your update. Your 12 and 9 year old should me more than capable of making sandwiches for lunch as well as washing up. They can also tidy up too, make you drinks. You need to put your illness on their radar so that they can step up. I have two sons who have done this for years.

He might have thought you wanted him to go anyway because you watched him get ready and said nothing. Hopefully you can work on your communication a bit so you can both get what you need in future

This is about expectations. You expected him not to go but at no stage did you lay out your expectations of what you want to happen when you are having a flare up.

I get these, I don't work because of my health but Dh and I know what is expected. Which would be, food made and available so no meal prep needed that day. Any washing would be dealt with by him when he gets back same for tidying up and dealing with the children. He would make sure I had everything I needed before going out. He would cut it as short as he could to be able to get back home.

Dh works and when I have flare ups the system above is in place so he can earn money and not need to take time off for me. Talk to him and lay out what you would like to happen even if that means you are unable to take care of the children safely and he stays home. There are levels to my flare ups. Some may just mean I need a bit of input, some mean I cannot do a school run so he has to be available to do that.

If you are chronically ill it’s probably hard for him
to guess when he needs to stay home if you say nothing. Also if it’s very common then he may still have needed some time out. Advocate for yourself OP

I am sorry you're having a rough time with your health.

How old are the children? What can you delegate to them if anything - mine knew that sometimes they had to "be Mummy's knees today" when I couldn't walk and do stuff like loading the dishwasher or putting washing away while I'd do the sitting down jobs like folding the clothes etc.

How much of being a carer for your DH do and how often does he socialise? I know when I've had a bad patch DH can get ground down looking after stuff and needs to get out sometimes for fun and a bit of headspace - I did the same when he was ill for the better part of a year.

In that situation in future maybe you could agree that he'll make lunches/whatever meal before leaving for you all to eat while he's out. The laundry and clearing up can wait, and set alarms on your phone to remind you of meds.

I hope you're feeling better soon.

I often have flares for autoimmune conditions. Unfortunately it’s just something I have to get on with. I’d expect the children to help out where possible.

If you can’t cope then you need to take responsibility for verbalising that and ensuring your partner is aware. You can’t be annoyed with him when you haven’t asked told him this is a particularly bad flare and you can’t cope.

I'd take this as a lesson to advocate for yourself op. You need to be explicit about what you need from your partner, don't assume that he will guess.
Hope tomorrow is a better day.

If it's chronic illness he may not have realised today was unmanageable as you manage other days when you are unwell. I would have said outright that I can't manage the DC alone today so please stay.

It depends how often you have flares where he needs to do a bigger share of the caring, how often he usually goes out, how bad you actually are. If he rarely goes out and you were capable of looking after the kids then he should have gone, if he goes out all the time and you rarely have bad days then he should have stayed. And the the in between situations.

How old are the children?

How often do you have flare ups?

Sometimes you need to be absolutely explicit about how you're feeling. You can't rely on people noticing how you're feeling.

I get why you might not want to. It's nice to believe that your partner is totally tuned in and will pick up when you need extra support. No one wants to be a a killjoy either, ie. "Please don't go out and have fun woth your friends. I need you to be here to take some of the boring domestic slack."

How often do you flare?
What proactive steps are you taking when you flare or to prevent a flare?

How old are your children?

On the face of it he doesn't sound great. However if you flare every time he wants to go out and you have teens, yabu.

It depends tbh
if you are too ill to care for your children and keep them safe, then he should have stayed home and you should have demanded he did.
If you are unwell but able to mind the kids, even with washing piling up and a snack dinner then I think he was ok to go.
You need to have things in place like alarms on your phone and meds boxes so you can manage your meds yourself. It’s really important you aren’t reliant on someone else for the basics like that.
I completely understand that it’s shit for you, but carers also need a break especially if they are working too. Your husband’s respite is a bigger priority than the house becoming untidy

How old are your children?

I’m guessing he doesn’t go out often?

Hope you’re feeling better soon