To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

What do you suffer with op.

And for them that say no woman would leave her husband or partner, well @ginasevern i did, stuck 3 years of the following.
I got fed up with it all, it was every time i wanted to go out he had a flare up, everytime i suggested something he had a flare up, to much house work he had a flare up it became a patten.
Funny how he got on with things when id done everything for him as soon as i said im nipping over to so and so AHHHHH im having a flare up again.
I once went out just to see my sister for a few hours and he moaned when i got back because i should have known he was in pain etc, the only thing i said was im not a mind reader and i needed a break.
Hence a long weekend of sulking and how bad he was all day when i went out.
I needed a break a big one so i left for good for my own mental health and sanity.
Strange thing happen he coped pretty well when i left, someone else can deal with him now.

Im not saying this is you by any means op just saying some women have left because of it, its not just men.

As you say he is usually very good, I wouldn't make an issue of this OP. You are feeling sorry for yourself, understandably, because you feel unwell.
However, at the end of the day, you have managed. The kids are fine. The washing piling up etc isn't really relevant. He can help tomorrow.

Have you been in this position because it not I don’t think you can know. Women in this position are saying that they would unless told otherwise as they also need to take care of their own mental health.

He probably needs a break . No offence but if you have a bad week every few weeks then this is his entire life also. 4 kids and a wife to care for . If he only gets out once or twice a month then its probably good for his mental health.

You said he only goes out once or twice a month - when hes home hes usually really good.

YABU - I'm sorry you're feeling crap, but I think he has the right to go out for some respite as a once in a while thing.

Just let the shit go today - do the bare minimum just to keep everyone alive.

As someone who experiences similar flare ups I completely understand. I also understand how it's exhausting to have to ASK for help all the time. I don't have a solution, but just wanted to say I feel for you and hope you feel better soon x

You might equally say why do women fuss instead of expecting the adults in their life to be adults and communicate when they need plans changing.

DH has got an ongoing medical condition that frankly is now tiring me as much as it does him. Sometimes I don't want to be the one doing everything yet again. Doesn't mean I don't feel horribly sorry for him and what he's dealing with, or that I don't love him. But there are times when I have nothing left to give... if you're chronically ill, OP, I don't see the harm in him having a break from that.

This, for goodness’ sake! He didn’t see because he didn’t want to. He wanted to go out.

Having to cancel social plans because of childcare is a normal part of being a parent. He has four children. His wife is ill and in pain. For a decent man, it would be a no-brainer, and he wouldn’t have to be asked.

Like hell would I skip out to see friends and leave DH in pain with four children to care for. I actually like him, for one thing.

It's awful having a flare OP I know. I hope it settles soon. I think you need to verbalise what you need. I know sometimes we want people to intuitively know what we want but it's not always possible. I would definitely come up with a plan for roles and duties for around the house.and not only for when you are having a flare up.

They had food, and children of those ages don't really need childcare. The oldest can keep an eye on the youngest for a few hours - it's not like she was left with a newborn and two toddlers!

I do understand the wanting him to just realise and stay and do what you need. It feels like he cares more. But he isn't living your life and able to actually know when things are really bad and you can't cope and when things are bad and you can cope. Given it's a chronic condition that flares frequently, he probably plans to get on with his life unless you tell him you need help - because otherwise he's always second guessing himself and you, and your condition dominates his life too. Given he's normally helpful and hasn't refused to look after his kids when you've told him you need him to, him not checking with you doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it sounds more like he's just trying to balance his life.

My husband has a chronic illness. Sometimes his flare is he is tired and less focused, but he could defo make the kids some fish fingers and then have a movie night. Sometime his flare results in a visit to a&e. Unless he verbalises which end of the flare spectrum he is on, I don’t know (obvs a&e I do but you get my point). So unless he said I need you to stay in because I won’t be able to deal with the kids I would go out!! If I stayed in every time he was in a flare I wouldn’t never been able to move! And as I say sometimes his flare is tiredness

If you're completely honest with yourself, do these flare ups tend to coincide with him leaving the house or planning to leave the house?

You said you don't want to be controlling but felt awful when the door shut, is there a chance he's started to see your illness as something that's weaponised to guilt him into staying in or to make him pander to your moods?

On reading this I wondered if he needed a break? Of this is a common thing. Your chronic pain will be an issue for him too.

This. You have not mentioned any SEN, regarding the older children, so it is a good idea to start getting them to be able to make simple meals, going forward.

Im really sorry. When he is home, maybe a chat about openly discussing pain and needs. He seems to have missed the memo today. Maybe each morning grade either the flare or level of help needed in. I know its really hard when in the flare up, you dont want to give it any more attention than you need and can get upset discussing it/discussing help needed but if there isnt open chat about it, he will miss things and you are left. Most people would see your pain and think no way would i leave her even on her own, never mind with four kids, three under ten. For today it would be a game of doctors and nurses. Pampering mummy (turns if need be) and games like who can pick up the stuff off the floor the quickest, who can tidy their room.... who can stand on one leg longest. Can the eldest play grown up and do bath or shower time. Can twp eldest earn a couple of quid doing jobs. They can play up when their leader is out of action. Its horribly hard. Also reading to mum. (Kills various birds with one stone). Sorry for rambling.... thinking of stuff i had to get mine to do when i was bed bound. Hope the flare eases soon.

Love your username 😂❤️

So clear from responses that lots of people (fortunately) don’t know what a flare is like. There’s nothing martyrish about finding it hard to say don’t go out, look at me and judge for yourself.

I’m sending you a big hug and lots of comfort. He should have stayed, you’re not always in a flare, a flare is temporary and awful. Awful for you. He’s been so selfish. Sending you a hug and he should have thought twice and supported you.

They had food? And if the OP gets flare ups twice a month then that's a pretty standard event. He only goes out once a month or so anyway, and it sounds like it was for a few hours not for days.

On the contrary, I did it (as I said earlier in the thread) because burnout is a real issue for carers. Going out once a month is hardly abandoning his children, especially as one is 12 and old enough to make the others beans on toast.

Women need to stop thinking they’re being controlling for having basic standards in a relationship.

You’re very ill, you have joint children. There is absolutely nothing wrong with calling a partner out in this situation and asking why they think it’s acceptable to go out and leave you whilst you’re really ill to look after the kids by yourself.

I can't see many women buggering off and leaving their ill husband with no food and childcare. Why do men always have to have the bleeding obvious spelt out for them? "Not being a mind reader" isn't much of an excuse is it.

He had plans to go out this afternoon. Not work just seeing friends. I sort of assumed he’d cancel or at least ask how i was managing but he didnt. He got ready and left like normal. I didnt say dont go because i didnt want to be controlling but honestly i felt awful when the door shut.

that's your problem, right there.

He is not a mind reader. Tell him when you need him to be around.