To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

yes, is it something you take medication for? For example, something like rheumatoid arthritis or similar? If so, and you are flaring every few weeks and the flares are getting more painful, your rheumatology team may need to look at your treatment as it's obviously not working for you.

Why?

You need backup with 4 kids regardless of the chronic illness! Friends, grandparents, neighbours, anyone who could come round and help if your husband is at work or out.

Given how many men are incapable of looking for and finding something in a drawer that’s right under their nose (I call it “having a man look”), I’m honestly amazed at the number of women who expect their husband/partner to read their mind and instinctively know what they want/need.

I love my DH and he’s generally pretty good but can equally be a bit “blind” to certain domestic tasks. However, I know if I need him to do something all I have to do is ask/tell him, clearly and concisely, and it will be done.

Next time, speak to him.

How long have you been together and are you able to communicate directly? I would have just asked for what I needed?

I would imagine that being married to someone who is chronically ill might be quite draining, and that having these bimonthly trips to see his friends might be restorative?

I think you are being a bit unreasonable with your expectations.
If you are ill you can't cook today. But you could do sandwiches. Completely fine.
You can't do the washing. You can't tidy up. But your partner can do all of those things tomorrow and still see his friends today.
And the kids are always going to argue.and cry over nothing.
And missing your meds is completely on you.
It was always going to be a shit day if you were having a flare up. But you got through it . Sometimes your partner has to take what he needs for himself..It doesn't sound like he does this every time.

Maybe you need to plan a bit so he can have a life when you have a flare up?Can you teach the oldest 2 to make a simple pasta? Or batch cook when you are feeling better and freeze? Can you have 1 room to retreat into which is always tidy?

Living with someone with chronic health problems IS hard.

I know, I have them!

Say what you mean, mean what you say - do not leave people to guess, do not hint, it doesn't make you less of a burden, it makes you fucking annoying, and fucking resentful, neither of which is good for a relationship.

You could have asked him not to go. You could have asked him to prep some cold food you could just put out.

I get that you do not want to endlessly moan on about how awful you feel, but you shouldn't have to do that and have gone too far the other way, in a way that isn't actually constructive to anyone in your family, let alone you.

Communication IS key.

Why? It’s going to be autoimmune / inflammatory or similar.

OP wasn't left alone with toddlers or a baby - her oldest is 12 and her youngest is 5 - it's not like they need constant supervision or active parenting. Stick a film on, get some toys out and ask the oldest to order a takeaway or chuck something in the oven.

I slso think we should know what this "flare up" was!!

I remember a comedian talking about not being able to read minds and the trouble it got him into at home. I was crying with laughter.

Here's a poem @JuniorJester

i dont want him trapped at home because of me
It's not because of you - it's because you both decided to have kids together. It's on both of you - don't feel guilty asking him.

to be fair he did notice, mentioned it to OP twice.

My ex went to Arsenal the day after I came home from hospital following an open appendix surgery, leaving me to care for a 20 month old and 4yr old. I realised that day how selfish he was. I do have to say though that he did step up for me when I had a major surgery 5yrs later, and visited me in hospital daily for 3wks and helped out for a couple of months when I got home. Even though we had been split for a few years by then.

But I just think many men don’t even realise how selfish they are sometimes. He could have at least asked if you’d be ok. Hope it eases up. You have my sympathy as I know all too well that raising children with a chronic illness that causes a lot of pain is incredibly difficult.

Next time you’re unwell to the point of not being able to function, you need to speak up.
“hey DP, I’m really struggling today, so I’m going to take my meds and get back into bed. You’re on child duty”

Expecting him to be a mind reader and then being cross when he isn't is not fair. He's your partner, speak to him instead of martyring yourself.

My mum has an autoimmune condition and I have seen what has happens to my dad when he doesn't put his metaphorical oxygen mask on first, so I understand this.

I think a short trip out is ok as long as he comes back brighter and ready to get stuck in with some washing and entertaining the younger kids.

Next time just ask him to stay and see what he says.

My grandsons eight and 10 can make sandwiches themselves. The youngest makes amazing scrambled eggs. Their mum has taught them.

I never thought to train their dad or uncles. How daft was I.

@JuniorJester time to teach them to be more independent it would help you enormously.

Being devil’s advocate here, I’ve been the partner of someone with chronic illness and plans outside of the house with friends do become life lines. I’m sorry if that sound harsh, I don’t mean it to be. Your need for him to be home may have been equal to his need to go out and not be home. I hope you feel better soon x

How come the kids can't make sandwiches etc because ours from 7 up easily make themselves sandwiches actually our 12 year old is going thru a toastie making phase, loves making them for everyone..I always make sure the bits and bobs they need are in the fridge or tin cupboard as I also have a chronic illness that can flare up at anytime and last days or weeks. And before anyone says why have kids well I got the chronic illness after covid and never recovered. However on the odd occasion when I feel I just need hubby home I say so and he always willingly does no issues.

What “distracted” you into missing your medication, op, when you were already feeling ill? Seems like it would be the last thing you’d forget…
I can’t see what would have been so overwhelmingly dreadful about asking your 12 year old to make some sandwiches? And maybe wash the resultant dishes, although how much could really have piled up from one meal is debatable.

@JuniorJester id have asked him to make sure kids fed and place kind of tidy before he left.
Then just hunkered down with the kids movie and popcorn day and forgery about housework when unwell.
Also have asked if he was drinking not to have too much as you are having time out tomorrow ( day in your room / bed )

What a horrible, unhelpful post.