To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

To be honest I'm a bit torn on this op.

Going out maybe once or twice in a month to socialise really is not a lot and I agree that communication is important and you cannot assume that your partner knows where you are at. There's a difference between feeling bad and being unable to manage with lowered expectations. And it's hard if he is at a point where he also really needs his cup filling and that happens at the same time as you having a flare up.

I'm a lone parent and I get pretty debilitating migraines sometimes. I keep things prepped for easy food etc if that happens and accept that our day will just have to look different than it normally does so I can rest.

I also agree your kids are old enough to help with certain food prep and tidying.

However, I think it depends on WHY you struggle to communicate your needs to your partner- if this is your own issue or if actually you are worried about their response. If the latter than that's not okay and you should be able to ask them for help and feel safe to do that.

You need to sit down with him (if you feel safe to do so) and discuss this openly without attacking and ask him how he thinks you can navigate these types of situations as a team to help you each say what you need, and how you can prep the kids to help and be more independent.

Bang a movie on and order takeaway.

I think you need to communicate when you aren't coping. To be honest I would imagine those ages of kids would mostly sort themselves out if needed. Like only the 5 year old is maybe too young to make sandwiches or use the microwave. I get that you wouldn't want the older two to care for the younger two a lot, but by the sounds you don't get flare ups loads and hubby doesn't go out loads, so it's not going to be on the older ones to look after the younger ones for hours every week.

That might work for your kids, it would’ve worked for mine on a good day, but 4 kids all together with a poorly mum could easily go very differently. Most kids have days where they are unmanageable chaos monkeys, siblings fight, 12yos vary vastly in maturity and I would say a 5, 7 and 9yo still need quite a lot of active parenting. YMMV, but I certainly wouldn’t go out for an avoidable social engagement and leave DH to cope with all 4 if I knew he was ill and in pain. He wouldn’t do it to me either.

I don't wish to sound harsh, but things like "missed meds because you're distracted" and not eating well are solely your doing.

If you know you have flares, you need to organise things so that it's manageable for you when one occurs - batch cook and freeze etc.

Your DH is allowed a break, especially if he's been put into the role of being your carer, he's at risk of burnout too and what good will he be if you're both ill as a result?

He only goes out once or twice a month. If the flares are every few weeks and he was to cancel each time , he'd probably never go anywhere.
I probably sound harsh but having seen many family members completely run themselves into the ground, due to a spouse with long term health conditions, I think the impact on others is seriously underestimated. The older children should learn how to cook basic foods/ make sandwiches. Have a movie day, tell them it's the basics only today. Washing and other household chores can wait until tomorrow.

Unless you’re willing to be direct, speak your mind and be willing to listen to his side too, this will continue to be an issue. Sometimes you’ve got to really bite the bullet and have it out.

This.

You are going to have to be direct with him.

Flares of what though? That's very important

This may not go down well but looking after someone plus a family is hard. Maybe he just needed the time away. I know I do. My time away is going to work. People don’t always think about the care giver but it’s such a hard thing to do sometimes we just need a break even if the person we are caring for is having a really bad day.

She wasn't expecting him to care for her. She was expecting him to care for his own kids when their other parent was so unwell she could barely stand.

OP the fact it didn't occur to him is scary, tbh. You're wondering if it's okay is equally so.

I have chronic health conditions too. My husband steps up. And doesn't expect a round of applause for it, either.

Seems pretty sensible to me

I think it’s a huge ask of someone to be an unpaid carer. Even if it’s not all the time. You’re essentially asking them to put their life on hold to look after you. Yes it’s awful for the affected person but I think (not necessarily the OP) that many unwell people can completely forget this. Or feel a bit…entitled to it. It’s not to be taken for granted.

My husband goes out about once every three months. I’d literally have to be unable to lift my head before I’d ask him not to go. And he is not my carer.

It's shit @JuniorJester but it's happened now and I think you should take this as a learning experience!

Tell him tomorrow that you had a tough day and probably could have done with him at home. It'll put him on notice.

If this happens again where you are ill and husband has plans (social, work, whatever) maybe you need to come up with a plan: tell him, hey I'm not feeling my best, I know you are heading out but can you a) make sure there is food made I can just heat up for the kids dinner? b) keep an eye on your phone, if it gets too much I'll send you an SOS to come home

Kids argue and cry everyday whether you are ill or not unfortunately.

Take a look at the Karpman Drama Triangle OP. It may sound harsh at first but at the moment it sounds like you're playing the role of the victim (we all take on this role from time to time, some more than others) and your husband, the role of the rescuer. Once you've got your head around it, take a look at The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). It may help you find a way of taking control of your situation in a more positive and productive way.

He didn't leave them with no food...
2 of the kids are old enough to make sandwiches etc themselves and OP managed to make dinner, albeit somewhat difficult for her.

I would think that because she has "regular flare ups" that he probably didn't realise that this particular one was any worse than any other day. Man or woman aside, if the OP felt she wasn't capable or fit enough to look after the children she should have said.

At these ages of kids, I think it was fair enough of him to go meet friends in the afternoon as long as he helped out on the morning with them/housework and made lunch before he left.
sorry you’re feeling bad x

Sometimes when you are ill, it messes with your brain and makes it that much harder to articulate that you need help or to realise that you have to emphasise it. OP says she doesn't want to come across as controling and she was trying to be considerate but at the same time hoping he would realise she needed help.

she did tell him twice that it was bad but often its not something that is visible I guess so he wasn't paying attention or wasn't listening.

Especially if you are trying to get through to the type of person who believes everyone should just soldier on... and you are not spouting blood, but feeling dizzy and unwell.

There was some great advice OP further up the thread about making a plan for these flare ups and presumably people do this because it is really hard as I said before to articulate it, advocate for yourself and think ahead when you are feeling so unwell. But when things have calmed down, explain to him what's required... so if you are having a flare and he wants to go out that's ok if he organises the kids to make sandwiches or whatever and checks in.

I do hope you are feeling better and are not worrying too much about not thinking he is a mind reader etc.... He's been around for a while and should have picked up on your hints. but explaining it again when things are calm might help. I hope you have a relaxing night and feel better tomorrow xxx

Sounds like you had a shit day OP I'm so sorry to hear it. Regarding you waiting for him to notice then sitting with resentment rather than voicing your needs- this might sound bizarre but there is an evidence- based link between suppressing emotions and autoimmune disorders. I wonder if you learned to suppress your needs and feelings in childhood? Getting assertive with your partner won't be a cure of course- I'm not trying to suggest anything like that- but it might help you cope better with flares if you can insist your needs are met when this happens.

Yeah, this. If you're chronically ill, I would assume that you (like many of us) are bloody brilliant at masking it, and putting on a brave face, mostly so the kids don't have to see you in pain. If this is the case, you may have fooled him enough to make him think you were okay again.

You're an adult. If you need him to stay, ask him to stay. You can't expect him to miraculously know exactly what you need. Talk to each other!

@mellicauli makes a suggestion of batch cooking, and I know it’s a bit of a MN cliché, but it’s really a good idea.

When I’m feeling well I batch cook meals for the freezer that both OH and I can eat, that are easy to reheat. He really likes my cooking so it’s also a ‘thanks for looking after me’ gesture.

I learned on here you can freeze sandwiches too. I also bought a couple of thermos flasks so that if OH is out, and I’m in a flare, he can leave me hot soup or something.

It’s all part of our ‘flare plan’.

😳😳😳😳

that’s what you took from this???

Yabu.

If he had gone out first thing this morning and wasn’t going to return until well after dark, then I would get your point. Or if your kids were a few years younger.

But it sounds like he went out for just a few hours. It doesn’t sound like he expects you to do the washing, tidy the house or make a three course meal. The kids are arguing because that’s what kids do - they’d be arguing even if he was home. You say he’s usually good.

Do you both work?

This is it…everyone’s too frightened to say it.