To he upset he still went out when I’m in a flare?

But in this case OP hasn’t said she’s lost response to her medication (which is a whole other kettle of fish); she said she was distracted and forgot i.e. she would have taken it if she remembered. OP has also included missing her medication in the list of things that were attributing to making her feel worse therefore it’s a fair assumption that her medication does actually help her since she lumped it into that category.

Also not all medications equal flare prevention either, quite often some is specifically for flare management. For example, one of my conditions is rheumatoid arthritis for which I’m on biologics but even so, my condition will often flare up at this time of year due to the cold weather and I have pain medication to help me manage that. Some days when things are particularly bad, if I don’t take my pain medication correctly then I can end up immobile from the pain and that would be on me and something I could have prevented; if that then resulted in me needing someone else to cancel their plans then I think it’s fair enough that it’s questioned.

Now OP hasn’t given any specifics therefore we have no idea how much of an impact missing her medication had on her (if any) but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for posters to at least ask the question given the lack of information.

Also there’s no need to be flippant or condescending with your eye roll emojis, a lot of us are in the same boat as the OP (ask me why I’m awake at this time) and know damn well that preventing flare ups isn’t “so easy” BUT that doesn’t mean there aren’t things within our power to at least help give us the best shot of being as comfortable as possible - like taking our medications correctly. Yes medications don’t always work (I’ve failed on several) but not taking them at all guarantees their effectiveness is 0%.

Now just to be clear, I have every sympathy for the OP as I think everyone with a chronic illness has been where she is (even from tiredness / brain fog alone if not pain) and I can understand how missing medication can happen but I actually think it’s important to give someone a kick up the backside about it because as women and mothers and partners, we often prioritise everyone else before ourselves and when you have so little energy and not much left in the tank, it’s very easy to give what you have left and neglect yourself; I actually think it’s useful to have someone say oi don’t do that.

As I said if only these suggestions was so easy to stop a flare. Medication doesn’t always work🙄

What on earth has OP said to justify some of the catty responses on here to a stressed unwell mother?! OP doesn’t sound like someone playing a victim at all. She sounds insightful and well aware that she could have communicated better, but rightfully hurt at how things panned out and stressed at the situation she’s been left in - I would be too. She’s mentioned this flare is worse than usual and today is her worst day. Nothing has been mentioned of her DH constantly missing plans or putting his own life on hold - that’s total projection from posters on here and frankly feels shockingly ableist.

Why not? Rosacea -arthritis "flare up" 1 more painful than t'other.

It's hard to say. Personally i am poor at reading between the lines (nd) and nothing frustrates me more than the expectation of picking up on hints - if you want or need something from.someone you need to be an adult and communicate that at the time. Watching someone get ready and go out and not asking them.to stay, then being hurt they didnt guess what you needed is irritating imo. I suppose it also depends on how often this happens and impacts his plans. I have an illness that flares up - but in a flare up theres not much anyone can do, unless i am bedridden i wouldnt ask.someine to stay at home but i might ask them to.sort lunch. You need to ask though imo so yabu for not just talking to him.

What are the flares? It was only the afternoon. All the children are primary and secondary school aged so why didn’t they tidy up? You can do the laundry on another day. Why aren’t you setting alarms for your medication if you forget to take them?

What illness is it? Flare ups every few weeks doesn’t sound good, can you speak to your specialist about different drugs to help control? I say this as I have psoriatic arthritis and on my 3rd drug which actually helps limit flare ups now
Also talk to your DH as he may need clear guidance as to how he can help

I assumed she was talking about laundry…just because she said she’d been ill all week. Having said that, my mother was a bad asthmatic and we done laundry etc from when we were 12…

If he only goes out 1-2x per month based on what you’ve described (chronic relapsing remitting illness) I don’t think he should’ve had to stay.

I would still discuss it so you have a plan for next time - eg would he be expected to cancel?

or

How you will structure the day if all are at home? Eg set expectations and activities, a takeaway or ready to eat/heat up food.

or

If any of the DC would be able to go to friends or family or if someone could come over.

He should still be able to see his friends, you are being unreasonable about that ,but you need to manage your condition better.

You can't not take your medication, especially if you are feeling rubbish , that's on you. The rest , leave the kids to argue , leave the washing to pile up. Only do what you can manage comfortably. Tomorrow is another day

Those poor kids….

Well as someone who has several autoimmune conditions (two of which require hospitalisation during flares) and a life limiting illness (we’ll leave that aside for now), OP could start by taking her medication correctly; forgetting due to being distracted isn’t exactly helping the cause.

You have may have a genuine medical condition or youcould be a permanent victim who needs constant attention

What are you doing medically to help yourself?

You don't go into detail about what the flare up was, but you do say you've been "like this all week" and that it happens every couple of weeks. How is the burden of care split usually when you're in a flare? What did the rest of the week look like? If he normally takes on quite a lot, then maybe he does need to get out of the house a bit, as other posters have said.

You definitely need to start using your words more though. You say it felt too much to even stand - but it seems like you were standing, and had been all week while feeling that way. You can't expect him to know that if you're not telling him. You can't decide to push through and at the same time expect people to see through the brave face. It's not fair on them. Nor is dropping hints when you've got a chronic illness and four kids in the house. If you feel like you can't manage, you need to communicate that clearly to your partner. For everyone's sake. No more mind reading! It's not serving anyone's needs.

Last but not least: I know you're feeling overwhelmed, but you need to start making some accommodations for your illness. What you're describing as "one thing after another" is a standard day for most mums. There's nothing unusual in it really. Take a deep breath and cut yourself some slack. Think about getting a cleaner, if you can afford it. Older kids can start earning pocket money doing chores. They're also old enough to understand that mum isn't feeling well. Substitute a cooked evening meal for a takeaway or some sandwiches, every once in a while. If this happens every couple of weeks it won't kill them. Stop beating yourself up about it, and make the adjustments you need to get through. It's not child neglect to occasionally feed your kids a pizza. Fuck the "beige food" mum guilt. They'll live.

Your kids are old enough to cook and wash up.

Next question.

You definitely should have said something, but I understand why you didn’t. It’s not the same but I used to get horrible cramps when I was in my late teens and I often forgoed asking for help because I didn’t want to feel like a burden. He goes out a couple of times a month… that’s quite a lot for a farther of 4, I’m sure missing one wouldn’t kill him.

With your partner, tell him exactly how you feel as he can’t read minds; there’s a big difference between ‘I’m not feeling great’ and not being well enough to stand. Have you discussed plans for situations like this? You both knew he was going out and you’d been ill all week, so you could’ve arranged play dates for the kids or a friend to come and help out, batch cooked or preordered a takeaway. Hopefully he wasn’t out the whole day/night and checked in on you but he deserves his time too.

With your kids have you sat them down and explained your illness and what you need from them? They should be helping out in general but should know what do in this situation, especially if an emergency were to happen.

OP if this happening every few weeks, you need to be clear on what you need from your whole family so you’re not left feeling like this.

Obviously you might not want to share more info, and fair enough, but what is the condition and how long have you had it?

How often does he go out without the kids at the weekends? And do you ever get to?

I think having 4 kids is pretty hardcore parenting and that while they're still young you'd expect most weekends to be a joint effort or divide and conquer at least.

OP, is your partner the father of all your children? How long have you been together?

Yes I agree with this, plus how often and what does this look like ? If your partner is your carer, they deserve a break too or you’ll both be sick. Four children would be fairly demanding I would think.

So...you didn't say what you needed? Because that's "controlling"? That makes no sense to me. I don't see how you can be angry with him if you don't say what you need. I do hope you are better stat, however

There definitely needs to be better communication, and we don't know the fully situation, all I would say it is important for carers to get a break at times as well, children are also old enough to be left for a few hours.

So really just a case of pair talking.

Op could probably have mitigated it a bit by taking her medication…

If a 10yo and a 12yo can’t step up for a few hours, make some beans on toast for everyone and give their mum a hand, something has gone horribly wrong somewhere.

We’re talking about a few hours here, it’s not like he was gone all day or overnight. A 12yo should be more than capable of stepping up and being “in charge” while dad is gone. It’s not like her DH left her with four small children who aren’t toilet trained or something - they’re all school aged and should be fine for a few hours, and if the house gets a bit messy, well, so what?

Likewise if they argue or get bored, well, that’s life isn’t it? It won’t kill them.

Oh if only a chronic illness was that easy that you could prevent a flare🙄