Stay-at-home dad

Going back to focus on family means giving up most of social activities, because my days are mostly filled with countless small chores. On top of that, I can't get enough sleep –fatigue and loneliness are constant companies. On average, I only get about five to six hours of sleep each night, and sometimes even less.

You're preaching to the choir. This is the life of a parent. This is Mumsnet, we know!

Life with small children is relentless. It's gets easier once they start school.

DS was stay at home for 8 years until the third one started school. I would say it depends on whether you can afford it and on the strength of your relationship with your partner. I would also add that it can be quite lonely - no mums invited him to go for coffee after school drop off. Personally, i found being a SAHM to one baby very boring. With two, i was too busy to notice.

How does your partner feel about being the sole breadwinner? I'm the main earner in our family, but I wouldn't like it if DH gave up work altogether and left me to be solely responsible for earning to support the family. It isn't so much about the money - we can quite comfortably live on my income alone - but I wouldn't really want the pressure of feeling like I was carrying that burden alone.

I think you also need to think about the longer term. What will happen to your own career when your kids get older? What provisions are you making for your own pension etc. I wouldn't advise a woman to give up her financial independence and so I wouldn't advise it for a man either.

But if you and your partner are both happy with the arrangements, and you have put appropriate plans in place for the longer term and any unforeseen circumstances (e.g. life insurance/income protection etc), then I think it's every bit as valid to have s SAHD as it is to have a SAHM. Even though I would personally prefer a relationship where everything is split more equally.

It’d be pretty hard to do it without giving up the job, so yes it’s a good idea.

This.

So many SAHDs don't, and their wives are working and doing quite a bit more housework & parenting than their husbands would if roles were reversed.

I've seen it in my family - very high earning wife, who still does the majority of the parenting admin, and organises the housekeeper and schools and so on. She's endlessly capable, but it exhausts her.

My partner is a SAHD / house-husband. I am the higher earner although he has had a variety of jobs and is well qualified and has a great work ethic. We are lucky in that I have found myself in an Exec role and I need to be flexible, available, etc.. My calls start at 6am tomorrow for example. I love my partner and find the fact that he works in tandem with me to make sure that our family works in the best way possible really attractive. I don't care who earns the $$ and who does the cleaning... All jobs need doing and I am just delighted that it doesn't all fall to me!

That's not a good reason not to.

For me all those years ago it was important to get the Family Allowance in my name and other things. That credited my NI contributions or something. Everything is different now but you need to check on the admin. Had I not done so my pension would have trimmed.

I'm not sure that you would be resilient enough to be a main carer OP. You don't communicate with posters very well on this thread and communication is so important when raising a child.

You seem more focused on how other people might judge you than the job in hand. Women are judged all the time regardless of whether they work out of the home or are a SAHM. If you really want to be a SAHD you need to toughen up a little and prioritise the child's needs over your own.

There are so many practical pros and cons but I think if your heart isn't in it, then don't do it. It's not an easy life despite what some will tell you. If kids are young it is intensely difficult, if school going age then there is a lot of down time and it's very manageable.

DH jacked in his decent job when our baby was 4 months old...I went back to work to focus on my career, and it worked really well. I travelled a lot for work, and without DH being home that wouldn't have been possible.

I quickly leaned to ignore the odd combinations of clothes that our child was wearing when I got home... they were both happy, dinner was on the table, and all was good! DH originally planned to just do it for a year, but it worked so well it went on for a lot longer than that.

So yes - it can work, as long as the man (and woman) is willing to fully embrace it.

If your partner is in full agreement that she is willing to be the breadwinner, and you can afford it then yes, why not?

Though I'd say once they're around 13-14 that role becomes less hands on to the point of near redundancy. Unless SEN etc. So at that point just for the good of using your skills and setting a good example it might be good to get back into work. At least part time.

I think it's quite common for SAHP to go back to work when kids are at secondary school.

But within your own family, as long as you're all happy and it works. Just devide childcare and work however you choose. Nobody should be making unpleasant judgement about it.

You are giving very little away OP! Are you married/partner what do they think? Do they work? How many kids ? Ages? Can you afford it? Will your mental health suffer being quite isolated every day? We need more info ! It’s a loaded question??

@MRROWE , You have to make the effort to treat it as your job that needs 100% of your attention for the first couple of years. You are no longer a bank manager or a bus driver you are SAHP.
My project was to feed the family and enable them to be where they need to be and on time. Simple cooking had to be learned, then I moved on to Delia Smith. Washing, ironing, shopping. Lunch boxes for three every morning.
ps. washing clothes. My wife bought extra bras, She would wear any pants that were clean but sometimes a particular bra was needed under some clothes. Drying a bra in 10 mins with a hairdryer is not good for the material. But PE kit survives ok.
Give it a go mate.

Do you have a partner OP?

Fine, as long as the dad does the same as a woman would at home. I see posts on here where the mother comes home to a complete tip, no food cooked. Personally I don’t think anyone should give up their career and rely on the other partner as often leads to resentment around money and can leave the stay at home parent vulnerable if the relationship breaks down. Particularly if unmarried.

I know a few families where it is a SAHD rather than SAHM. Works well for them. The discussion about having a stay at home parent (and whether it works for that family), is the same regardless of the gender of the potential stay at home parent.