Ex doesn’t want our child more than every other weekend!

You can't force him to see his child OP and neither can a court. My ex does six hours, most Sundays and maybe 7 nights a year. During covid, he did nothing for two years except an occasional video call.

Find a good babysitter or another single mum to share with, and build a support team that doesn't include your ex.

The chances are your ex will meet a new woman and cut his time with your child even more. Or go awol. Sorry.

According to CMS 7% of paying parents are female. The percentage is higher (ONS) if you include widowers, dad's not claiming cms, etc and it's growing. So certainly a much lower number of dads as main carer, but not statistically insignificant.
I personally know of two mothers who walked away from their kids several years after separating from the dad. There was no discussion or agreement, the dads stepped up because if they hadn't the kids would be in care. One had severe mental health problems but went straight on to have more kids with another man.
The other mother is just a selfish, self centred person who did it partly to try to hurt the father.
I feel all parents should have to parent. It's disgusting that they walk away and think it's not their responsibility any more.

You only know how your DH behaves now in your family unit. You have no idea how he'll actually behave if you split up, particularly years down the line when he may have remarried/have a partner. I can tell you from experience men can move on from being devoted dad to not interested. I'd certainly climb down from that horse.

But if the courts aren’t forcing the dads to have their kids more than they ‘want’, mums are by default being forced to be sole carer for their child for perhaps longer than they want or feel they can manage but that’s okay?! You can still end up in a situation where the child is with a reluctant care giver. But that’s okay because it’s the mum and she’s just expected to get on with it regardless of any support she wants or needs. How is this fair?

Statistically insignificant!

Thing is if I was to split with my DH, he would WANT to have my children as much as he could as he loves them and loves being a parent ……. I am not sitting on my high horse and there is an element of luck, however, I feep people need to know who they are procreating with.

no court can force .. in fact two weekends out of 4

If men in the UK had to pay more maintenance, I bet they'd suddenly be interested in 50/50 just like in America lol.

Feel your pain.
My ex only sess them 7 hours a week, no overnight stays ( blaming his mum who is 'lives with' apparently ( i think hes living with the ap). He books his own leave from work so he can go on holidays away all the time. Oct half term last year he had booked the time off ( the year before) but cancelled it and made it early Oct so he coule go away with the ap.
My children are asd. I get little break but tjank god I have great parents.
My ex is a c* as is his mum. Neither care or help. It shows their true character because a tired broken mum will affect the children.
Court should force the absent parent to go 50.50 unless there are safeguarding reasons. Why is it ok for my ex to say...I cant see them in the week coz im working....well...I also work but somehow have to juggle.

I tell my single friends not to have children unless you are willing to be a single mum.

* oh and they will tell everyone YOU are stopping them from seeing their kids.

I have repeated told my ex as a teacher he is welcome to take them on holiday and they have passports. He responds every time ‘I will take them if you let me’ every time I say yes of course you can. In 12 years he has never taken them abroad ever yet manages a swanky 4 weeks abroad on his own every year.

This. Mine tells me at every sodding opportunity that he is desperate for more time with them. Reality he will only see them if he has them overnight. When offered them overnight for an extra two weeks in the summer he was suddenly not available. (He was off work he’s a teacher and he has no other family or partner). The CMS also only reflects the order and thus mine has by court order he has 50% of all holidays but does not take all of this yet my CMS payment assumes he has them 6 weeks a year - the reality is he has them 3 weeks a year yet they give him 42 nights allowance to reduce his CMS payment. I went to CMS with 5 years of written proof through emails that he has them less than 21 nights a year and not 42 nights and they said ‘nope that is what the court allows him ‘ I said I know but here is written evidence from him that he had them for 17 nights 2022-2023 and 10 nights 2021-2022 and she said sorry we don’t get involved if there is a court order we assume he takes the contact on the order. That bites. He gets a reduction based on a certain number of nights in the order and the reality is he could refuse all contact and he still gets an education in his CMS. I would have to return to court to reduce contact - at my cost and a court may not reduce it.

Men like this are bastards. They really are. Mine had the nerve to complain to me that he was upset he had to pay me to do my own job of parenting - that’s what he sees CMS as / paying me. He used to say to my youngest - I pay mummy £200 a month for you - ask her for the money, it is supposed to being spent on you- you want a new bike tell her you want it £2400 a year is yours from me - it’s my gift.

Fortunately my youngest was good at maths and soon figured out that daddy pays for fuck all. He earns £65000 a year and I get £200 a month - total joke.

Are you in touch with his parents? Would they want contact and a relationship? Or are they suitable. My exes parents weren’t suitable but I would have considered it if they were ok and lived closer.

Maybe suggest they do taco Tuesday or Wednesday hum day dinners, weekly.

OP i really feel for you because parenting a toddler is hard even when you've got a partner living with you. I was a child who's mother only visited every 2-5 weeks from being 8 years old and my dad had a hard time raising us. As a mother now i cannot understand how anyone could choose not to see their child, as as result I'm a bit obsessive about being there for my child!

If your ex won't step up how could you improve this whole situation aside from that? Could your child have an extra day at nursery? Are they going to school soon? Are they going to stop napping soon meaning earlier bedtimes? Would your exes family have any interest in looking after your son here and there? Do you have any friends or siblings to support you? Could you get a cleaner? Take some holidays from work?

Think about which bits you're finding the hardest and look for a solution to them.

Jesus wept.

You can not be court ordered to see a child you don't want to see.

Exactly

So this chap has fed @Snorlaxo a load of crap and she’s fallen for it

And it would be unreasonable for court to say he must have weekday contact.

That’s a reasonable decision by the court.

I’m going to assume that the kids don’t live local enough to make mid week contact a possibility but every weekend contact when the parents don’t live close was always going to end at some point as kids might want to get a part-time job, see friends for sleepovers, do hobbies that might have a early/late start time etc

Plus each parent deserves quality time and to have weekends to take the kids to their extended families. (I’m assuming both parents work Monday to Friday so weekends are quality time)

Doesn’t your partner have them for extra days during school Holidays and half terms? There’s 13 weeks of school holiday a year.

Because he ONLY wanted them over the weekend @Suzjspik

Yeah that's fair enough
both parents should have half the weekends and half the holidays. Presumably he was offered to have them midweek too?

My partner was taken to court by his ex, he had his kids every weekend for years and the court agreed that he had to reduce it to every other wkd as she wasnt getting quality time! So now he sees them 4 days a month. So court will really not do anything about this

No court will force more than every other weekend. You get the money he gets all the fun.

That seems extremely unlikely seeing as i am very much part of making those orders you say do not exist... There is a big difference between a father who wants nothing to do with the child (in which case it is unlikely to be in the child's best interests to order contact) and a father who wants contact but only on his terms, in which case there is definitely room to order contact and that may be more than what the father wants or a different schedule. That may be ordered as being in the best interest of the child. I am not saying the system is perfect but the OP has already said the father would want to look good for the Court and the current arrangement is frustrating because it varies at dads whim. So yes there is room for the Court to step in and order something more rigid and this may involve more contact than dad currently has, if it is in the best interest of the child.

Yes @ShawnaMacallister

I know that. I am saying imposing punishments on a father that admits he wants fuck all to do with his child is insane. He will see the child to avoid the punishment