AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

She's going to oops you OP.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with your stance. The one who doesn't always vetos the one who does.

Seriously dude, get the snip. Stop this shit now and if she decides to leave to go forth and multiply then that's her choice.

She might change her mind when she finds herself having to work as well.

I agree if I was a sahm I wouldn’t expect DH to be getting up on weeknights 50 percent of the time.

is she a bit of a neurotic type?
I think there are some SAHPs who want to devote their life to home and family partly because they find the world quite challenging

Against most posters, I think she should be doing more as the SAHM even with 2 kids. Not all, but more of it. You can do a lot of stuff in the day with a 1 year old, like get dinner cooking or put a load of washing on etc. As for the early mornings, I work part time, and would say it’s harder being tired at work than it is looking after a child. So again, these should be a shared burden , but not 50:50.

if you don’t want more children you need to have a proper conversation (and not about the workload but about how you’d feel overwhelmed with more)

We have a similar-ish situation, in that we originally hoped to have three children but I changed my mind while I was pregnant with the second. I spoke to my husband as soon as I realised that was how I felt and we agreed to wait and see but I told him I was firm in my decision and the (very valid and not foreseen when we initially planned) reasons why. I also arranged a salpingectomy, so if he did decide he couldn’t stay with me (or we split up for other reasons or if I died) he would still have the option to have more children. Even if he offered to do absolutely everything for all the children if we had another I would still say no because I know it wouldn’t be fair on me, our existing children or the potential future child. I appreciate you’re looking for ways to keep your family together but in my opinion the only way forward is to be straight with your wife that you don’t want any more children and let her decide what she’s going to do.

If you don’t want another child then absolutely refuse to have one. If she leaves that would be quite shallow imo. I was ill a couple of years after we had our two kids (with a life threatening illness) When I was better I wondered about having another,DH didn’t want to and actually said he could have managed bringing up the two we had alone but couldn’t imagine it with three. I think he made a fair point. If you don’t feel you can parent more do not have any other children.

Tell her you definitely don't want a third child and that you want to book vasectomy. That should sort out the conversations properly. Ideally then go and have a vasectomy.

I disagree that SAHM is easier than a working mum . I mean I’m on mat leave at the minute so have been not working the last 7 months . I find it so much harder than when I am working and me and my dh split the duties. Looking after kids is hard work and when more responsibility is on you it is difficult, in the same way that being a working mum is difficult.

🤣 JFC. I feel so, so sorry for Johnny’s future girlfriend/boyfriend. That DIL will never be good enough, will she?!

OP, you need to say enough at two, you’ll have no more.

On the current set up, you sound exhausted. if DW is independently wealthy, could you pool funds more and reduce your work to 4d a week, fo r example ? She can fund more into the family pot reducing expectations of you and you have an extra day to facilitate you both having some downtime. Weekends are too short for that! If she chooses to spend her downtime with her DC (yawn) then that’s on her.

She sounds dull. I feel sorry for her, what will she have or be when kids grown? Nothing. Desperately awaiting grandkids probably. 🙄

So this might come over as old fashioned but back in the day my ex husband only wanted one child. When the child was two he changed his mind (no pressure from me) and we had another. Here’s the old school bit. I gave up work when my second child was two and I took on the majority of the domestic work and child care because in my mind it was my job. My partner did get up in the night to get the youngest back to sleep but we alternated each night. I cooked every night but he cooked on Saturday because he liked to. When the second child was five he agreed to a third child but it was a bit easier with the age gaps. My point is that as I didn’t go out to work, I took on most of the child care and everything else and didn’t think it was unreasonable as he worked a long day and earned a good salary. The marriage survived until the youngest was in their late teens and it was me that decided to end it but not because he had done anything wrong. Hope that helps.

What’s wrong with that ? There is nothing wrong with no kids or 1 kid.

You shouldn’t have got together if you want different numbers of children. I’d be very careful she doesn’t ’accidentally’ get pregnant.
Also if she’s a SAHM why are you paying 50/50 on the house ?

Came on to say this.

As is usual on MN loads of people just like to pile on to OP, who is just trying to poll genuine opinions.

OP, you are quite right to insist that you will, obviously, help with another DC but if she wants one she must shoulder most of the Home Work burden.

FWIW I think a lot of people say they want a big family - until DCs arrive and you find out what hard work it is, of course she wants you to take up a lot of the extra burden. You are quite entitled to say No.

Dear God some of these replies are unhinged to say the least! Agree you should be honest and stick to you guns about having no more kids and I think you are NOT being unreasonable about the work/parenting ratio a SAHM should do more of the workload as you are working very full time AND paying all the bills!

I had a Dad like you and it has given me lifelong abandonment issues. You should not have any more children. Period. Doesn't matter what your wife wants. But if you do have children then you need to commit to being a full-time parent to them (and lots of us parent full time while also working) because your relationship to your children isn't through your wife - it's directly to them. And if you're not willing to be an involved dad for your children then you shouldn't have them. It's not about your wife, it's about the children's right to have a good and loving and equally involved Dad.

I haven’t RTFT, but I’ve read the OP’s.

So I’m like your DW.

I made it clear that I wanted lots of kids on our first date and that he shouldn’t marry me if that wasn’t the life he wanted. I told him I knew kids were hard work and I would not accept him changing his mind after we had 2. I was very clear that if he married me then changed his mind, I would leave him because he had married me under false pretences and our marriage would not survive the resentment of him moving the goal posts.

Why did you marry her knowing that you didn’t want the same future?

Exactly! Better she leaves now (probably won't) to go have more kids than OP gets so overwhelmed and resentful he leaves her with 3-4 kids (he might not ever do that but many men do) why on earth don't men grow a pair and be clear they don't want kids/more kids?!

I may get flack for this but as a sahm of 3 for the first 10 years, I took on the vast majority of night duties, as dh was working and often abroad. Being a sahm is a privilege and it's a lot easier than being a working mum. Personally, I think you need to stick to your guns and leave it at 2 dc, if your wife can't cope and you don't want any more.

plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on. And of course driving to and from work.

And plenty don't. I would guess that more don't and I don't think what mothers do is less important than what everyone else in the family does. Parents' needs have to be balanced.

but then why they accept the offer for a marriage from a woman who wants full brood and 50/50. Just stop doing it guys, have a sexual relationship with someone and let the broody women find paternal guys

You made 50% of those kids. Use a condom if you cannot be an equal parent, or get the snip. Your kids shouldn't be punished by an absent dad because you cannot be bothered to parent/don't want to. A bit late for hindsight, now.

so many men literally want a relationship without marriage and kids or just 1.....

Then she will have to, as its not worth the mental strain on you and not fair on all the children having a relationship that is strained with their father. Its a shame you two didn't reach a compromise earlier or your views don't sway her, as I'd rather stay with my loved husband than have two more kids when I already have two.

Young kids are hard and it's a strain for some, many. I don't think you should have two more kids to stay in a marriage, if it was the other way around and the male partner was pressuring a woman with leaving if she didnt have two more kids it would be horrific. It sounds like an obsession if she's happily leave and break up a family for her two current kids to chase some ideal.

The one thing I'd say re childcare for your two though, time outside of work should be 50/50 helping eacother as she isn't exactly having free time during the day with a 1 and 4 year old, work is actually a break away from kids 😅 yea there isn't much downtime but that's what happens with little kids unless you have family help.

What let her TTC thinking it will result in more children, knowing all along that it won't?
That is a disgusting and completely dishonest, cowardly and manipulating thing to do!

If you do get the snip. TELL HER.