AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

here’s a set up suggestion for 3 kids: if you can, get a full time nanny housekeeper. Your wife and housekeeper share the house and parenting work Monday - Saturday. So you wouldn’t be required. I don’t think it’s fair to do early wakings for the main breadwinner if there’s a stay at home parent.

Weekends are family time and if you can’t be bothered then again kids would your wife’s job. Get a baby sitter so you both ease the load or kids go for a sleepover at grandparents regularly. This way of doing things would be acceptable for a couple with a main breadwinner who doesn’t want to do more childcare.

Well then how would you feel about solo parenting 50% of the time?

If you dont want more children, you should not have any more children.

You acticely and knowingly participated in the creation of the two children you have, so yes you should do 50% of the wakeups or bedtimes or however you you two choose to split it. Why wouldnt you? And what relevance would wanting (or not) more children have?

You have to tell her you aren't going to have more children. Otherwise this will all implode anyway. You mustn't have children you don't want who you will resent having to parent. She will continue to expect you to be the dad she has in her head and you've said here that's not you. If your marriage is going to end over this is actually better if it does so now rather than when you have another two kids.

I wanted three children, my husband wanted to stop at two. We have two. Sometimes I'm sad about that, but you can't force someone to have kids they don't want.

You need to talk to your wife and book a vasectomy.

He didn't change his mind - he always felt like that. He went ahead and got married knowing he didn't want 3/4 and that his wife definitely did. She laid her cards on the table.
The time to be honest was before the wedding, but he wasn't.

So why did the wife go ahead and marry him knowing that he didn't want any more than two children and she definitely did? He laid his cards on the table.

The time to be honest was before the wedding but she wasn't.

This. You have wishy washy'ed yourself into a situation you don't want. Why on earth have you allowed it to get this far? You have always wanted different things from the outset. At least she was crystal clear.

By staying and having kids, you have tacitly agreed to parent and parenting means 50/50. The end. You can't try and pull a fast one over technicalities now.

But he’s going out to work
she’s a sahm out of choice

if she went back to work I’m guessing the load would be split but if people “choose” to stay at home then they have made that decision!

She always made it clear that she’d like 3-4, and jokes that she’ll get her way

Sounds to me like an "accidental" pregnancy waiting to happen, as recommended all too often on here when a woman wants more children and her partner doesn't

This is a post of two halves and I’m going to address part one.

When you say you don’t get much free time, as you do family things at the weekends, does your wife get free time? This is something you should manage so you both have it.

Side note, I have done maternity leave with a baby and a toddler and let me tell you that is harder than 99.9% of jobs out there, going back to work was like a spa break both physically and mentally and I have what would be considered by some a stressful job. Would you swap?

Second point, I think you need to have an honest discussion with your wife, she wants that big family but if she is left to do a lot more, she may struggle and resent you, your kids may also see their mum doing everything. She’s always been honest with you that she wants a big family but she might not want it if she’s having to do everything alone.

I know a couple who are similar to you, she’s got her way and had the 4th baby and expects him to do everything when he gets in from work. All of them look utterly miserable and I feel so sorry for the kids. Don’t do it.

I don’t think you should have more children as simply put, you don’t want them. What someone says they will do and the reality is very different. Your wife may say she will do all night awakenings but the reality is she won’t.

From what you have said I think you would really benefit from a hobby / steady night off. You can offer the same but it’s not selfish or bad to want time for you.

Can I ask - why did you marry her if she was clear that she wanted a large family, but you only wanted the one child? Seems a pretty fundamental mismatch of life wants that should have been considered before you started.

I feel this conversation should have happened a long time ago.

You 100% should not have any more children and it's not unreasonable for you to not want more, but you do need to be honest with her. The ball is then in her court.

I'd be devastated if I thought my husband felt forced into having a child, but she does have the right to then either step away or stay.

Also another point of view; my FIL has always (in my husband's words ) been there as a provider and given them everything they needed financially, but has never really been there emotionally or with his time. His relationship is non existent with his Dad. But his Mom.made up for it in buckets. His mom recently passed and his delightful Auntie told him and his siblings that their Dad never wanted children. My husband said it explains a lot.

People who don't want children, should not have them.

Yes. I think she's being incredibly selfish and OP is quite right to worry about the consequences, which are not fair on him at all.

YABU. If you have kids, you look after them 50/50 when you’re at home, end of story.

You cannot neglect any future kids - or your wife - because you resent having them. Either have them or don’t. But if you do, you need to be a proper father and husband. You don’t get to shirk and be a manchild or deadbeat as a compromise for them daring to be born.

If you really don’t want more kids, just get a vasectomy. I know you won’t because you want your wife to do all the work of contraception (that she doesn’t want) as well.

Your proposal is unreasonable. You can't have kids and refuse to parent them. Your unwanted children will soon realise that they are unwanted and unloved by you. It's just a miserable idea.

Ultimately, if your wife wants more children more than she wants to be married to you, then you don't have much choice other than to end the marriage. You will also then be able to completely shirk your parenting of your existing two children if you choose to do so.

50/50 and you knew she wanted 3/4 kids from the very beginning. Why did you marry her?

But she’s also sticking to what she said when they got married? That she wants 3-4 kids? He knew this when he married her. I think if you truly love someone you don’t shut them off to the possibility of having the life they want because you want to be with them. He was thinking about his wants not hers. Now they’re married and he’s pulled the rug ‘actually, the thing I said about 2 kids maximum I was 100% deadly serious and there’s not a chance I’ll willingly have more with you, if it were to happen then it’s your problem/ extra load to bear’ Perhaps if he said that before they married she might’ve taken him at his word.

I just don’t think they were compatible, thoughts on children need to align. I’ve always wanted children, I could’ve met an amazing man who was lovely in every way but if he was firmly child free or wanted 10 children, he wouldn’t have been the man for me. I wouldn’t try to change his mind, I’d respect his choice and move on. This is what they both should’ve done. It’s obviously too late for that now but I think they both made a bad call in assuming they could get the other to change their mind.

It is HER being coercive.

You're not being unreasonable, but I can see that your discussion with her could be a minefield.
Good luck.

If she's a sahm then I agree she should be getting up at night if you have work in the morning. The home parent should do more of the childcare that is effectively thier role. I work part time, I do the housework, dinners, pick ups ect as partner is at work. One is not less valuable but the one with more time does the chores and childcare it's not rocket science. Do not have any more children if you don't both agree. Weekends are different and you should be wanting to spend time with your children. You don't want more children, she's already got two. This really should have been discussed fully before marriage

Where are all these dead babies from tired mothers?

They're there if you look.

There are bloody loads of tired mothers

Because their partners aren't pulling their weight

What if their partner also works??

Whereas plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on

Yep. And do you imagine they all have SAHPs? Do you imagine that none of them pull their weight at home, nor should be expected to? It can be done, it is everyday.

If you have small children and can't possibly imagine how you'd cope being so very very tired in your job and you can't afford a night nanny, then you should probably get a career that's more suited to you - or not have children.

It’s also okay to change your mind. We both wanted a big family originally but after having 2 children, by husband is done and I respect that. It’s hard

It sounds like you didn't really want children and do what a lot of men do which is when a woman has requirements/non-negiotables instead of walking away to prevent future issues you succumb and change your own requirements because you don't want to not have that person and it never ends well.

You do need to parent the kids you have 50/50 and to prevent having more kids you should have the snip so no 'accidents' can happen.

I agree with both of these posters.

I think that if you don’t wish more kids you shouldn’t be forced to have them. However if your wife really wishes another she should absolutely be doing all the night feeds, early rises etc.

Plenty of mums on here do almost all childcare AND work a full time job (which they shouldn’t have to admittedly). Your wife sounds a little lazy.
Bring a SAHM is a complete doddle compared to doing it all on top of a job. You should still make sure she gets one lie-in at the weekend and some me-time as well. This is just my opinion, as you have asked us all!

I do find it weird I have to say. I think happiness in life does not depend on how much you reproduce. So I guess we beg to differ .