AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

@dadtosomekids your wife sounds insufferable. They way I see it you need to have buckets of time one for her alone time, one for yours, one as a couple and one as a family. The family one should be most filled as you have young kids but you can’t leave your alone and couple times empty either- otherwise when the kids are teenagers/adults what will be left of your relationship/self worth if you’ve ignored your needs and relationships needs for so long.

I just don’t get men like this. It’s absolutely bonkers.

Yes, so when he's out at work she does it on her own - when he's not at work they should be 50-50

I think your plan is absolutely terrible, honestly. If she already wants you to do 50/50 when you're home, and you already find it too much, it's going to be so so much harder if you double the number of children. We have 4 children (all very much wanted) but definitely the more we have had, the more time my husband has needed to put into childcare because one parent can easily manage 2 alone, but with 4 there are times where one or two children have something on, that means one parent takes them and the other two are at home, or the toddler wakes up while I'm breastfeeding the baby so he needs to get involved etc. It would be an absolute disaster if she already wants you to do more than you are willing to do, and then you have more children but think you can do less. You will both resent each other, you because you want more time off and her because she wants more support. She might resent you for not having more children, but it might be better to separate and co parent the 2 children rather than how messy it would be if there are 4 children to manage and the stress of it all could lead you to separate anyway when she wants more support that you aren't ready to provide.

I think your estimates are massively off. It sounds like you already do max 30% and are proposing 10% or less.

Gosh, I am a single parent so I have done all the childcare and working fulltime, all the night wakings and all the early mornings. For two DC.
i think the advantage of two parents should be that this is shared. So it would give you both time to work and have time off as well as look after DC. I do agree that your time not at work should be 50/50 but I don’t see why there isn’t leisure time for each of you included.

I think you don’t want more DC so you should not have them. I don’t think you can negotiate time for care based on whether you want them or not. When DC are here, they are your responsibility. Or they should be. But I also don’t think this means both parents are 100% on all the time with no leisure. That’s what you do if you have no support.

I do think your wishes and your wife’s wishes are incompatible in terms of number of DC.

@dadtosomekids you are being unreasonable as you choose to have the 2 kids. So you need to do 50/50.

You are well within your rights to say no more children , You can’t have kids and choose NOT to parent . You are allowed not to be excited , interested in any more.

Most of us are with you OP.

The issue is how exhausting babies and small children are - most of us don’t go into
it a third time.

Use your finances to see how you can buy in childcare and take it from
there. Don’t have 3 children under 5.

What thread are you reading? On this one:

The couple split only the mortgage. The wife pays her personal expenses. OP pays all other bills.

The couple have two children only. The wife wants more.

Not wanting more children is not the unreasonable part. The unreasonable part is you find 50:50 outside of work hours to be too much without seemingly much consideration that she is doing all of that solo 5 days a week: if you find it hard 2 days a week and a little in the evenings when halved, imagine what her days are like. Just because she finds it fulfilling does not mean it is any less work. She also has work in the morning and cannot exactly reign it in after a rough night. I'm sure your job is taxing too, and it's good that you come seeking advice or opinions but I don't think you're being very fair. If you need more time to yourself (and what parent doesn't) talk to her about how you can make space for each other to take a little time out, but I would expect you to be finding as much space for her as she for you. 7 days a week of childcare is relentless.

No the 4 year old does 3 hours a morning. 1 year old is always with her. Thats a lot of the day with both small children at home

Yes, and kids go to nursery too so she has the whole day to herself! Absolute piss take! 😂Of course she wants more babies!

I would say give yourself and family breathing space. Your youngest is only one. You have plenty of time to decide whether you want another child. I was desperate for three children and would have had another in the first 18 months if I could. However we decided to have at least a 2 year age gap. I got past 18 months and decided I didn't want another, 2 wax enough, I didn't want to start with the baby stage again. I think it must have been hormones in the first few months making me desperate to have another.

I dont think this is unreasonable when your wife is a sahm. At the end of the day, you are the breadwinner and fund the children's lifestyle. She is the default primary caregiver, therefore meaning she does the primary caregiving! I was a sahm and it has it's benefits and drawbacks, but on the whole, she can have a lazy day at home if she's up in the night, whereas you needing to work does mean you trump her on the sleep imo.

I don't agree with that. I don't think he lied. He says he went along with it. He sounds like a passive sort of, easy going man who gets persuaded into things. He wife is clearly used to getting her way and bullied him into agreeing.
I think they are equally responsible.
Circumstances change, things happen, many people can't cope with multiple children. That's life.

Don't have any more children @dadtosomekids. Get a vasectomy. Take responsibility and tell your wife, very clearly, that you won't be having more children. It would be a huge mistake to go along with or 'accidentaly' have more children when you do not want and do not feel capable of raising more. What she does is up to her. Personally, I think she is being very selfish. It sounds as if she is used to getting her own way throughout life and just assumes that you will fall in line when she clicks her fingers. Perhaps it is because she comes from a very wealthy family and has an income without needing to work at all. Either way, it isn't a pleasant chracteristic. It is also v unfair of her to constantly critique your parenting and sent you reminders as if you are a child (unless you are constantly forgetting things).

I do actually know of one woman who really wanted a third child and her husband did not. After many discussions, she agreed that she would do all the night wakings, early mornings, etc and he didn't get involved in these exhausting bits of parenting but still joined in family activities with all the children. It worked for them and now they are both v happy with their three children. It doesn't sound as if your wife is prepared to do this though.

Everyone reading this thread is not understanding. It's all in his OP. His wife categorically stated that she wanted a big family. He KNEW he didn't want it, but 'went along' with it because he 'WANTED' her. He lied and said 'okay, same'

Now it comes to crunch and he's reneged on the deal because the fake promise he made, is too much hard work.

That's the top and bottom of it.

The ones he agreed to when he got with her because he 'wanted' her.

He lied about it and tricked her into staying with him because he future faked her and then changed his mind, because he didn't want her to go with another man and have the family HE promised her

Nobody should bring children they don't want into this world to appease someone else, and then refuse to look after those children with equal care and attention that they gave to the 'wanted' children. That's cruel to the children. Your wife's and your wishes here are not really relevant - the issue is that children deserve to be loved and wanted and cherished. If you can't do that, you have no business having them. So, no, you can't just expect your wife to do everything for the new child because she wants it more. Just don't have them. (FWIW I wanted several kids and my husband, after one, said, 'I can't do any more, I really cannot.' And so we didn't have another. I am sad, but also, both parents have to be on board because that's what a child deserves. Also, leaving the father of your child(ren) because he won't do what you want is enormously selfish if all else is good).

You really haven't read the thread have you? Or even OP's posts.

The wife pays towards the mortgage, the OP pays all other bills and all other family expenses.

He hasn't impregnated her four times. They have two children. His wife wants more.

How is she subsidising him not working when he's the only one working?

You don’t have to have more children unless you both want them. But, you knew she always wanted a big family, so she may well get v upset if you renege- that’s a risk you’ll have to take.

You should share getting up in the morning/in the night if there’s a bed wetting incident/ill child equally with your wife - that’s just part of being a good Dad; it doesn’t last forever.

Huge red flag she’s having to cover all her personal expenses when you’re the only one working. Who is ACTUALLY paying for this? She shouldn’t have to be using her inheritance when she’s basically subsidizing you not working. And yes you should be doing 50/50 when off work.

I’m not against more traditional gender roles within the family home if it works for the couple, however you have quite a nerve to expect to be relieved of 50/50 parental duties, when you both pay 50/50 towards the mortgage and bills. If you’re not going to pull your weight with childcare, you need to compensate elsewhere (financially)

If you want a traditional wife, act like a traditional husband.

Also no one forced you to impregnate her 4 times. I’ve noticed from the tone of your posts you come across as a rather hopeless figure, you can’t passively sit by and pretend like you have no control over your own life because it’s easier to place to regrets and blame onto your wife.

Knowing she wanted 3/4 children when you wanted 1 - why did you marry her?