AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Think about the kids. Like someone else said you should consider that your wife could die before they are all fully adult (more like 25 than 18 these days) and then they would need all the love, care, affection and parenting from you. This happens more than you might think.

I never understand this ‘SAHM is on duty 24/7 while WOTHD works 8am-6pm five days a week and does very little else’ notion. You both work full time 8-6 on weekdays, one at home, one elsewhere. Decent people split the evenings and weekends fairly, each have time off and have family time together.

Hardly any FT jobs are going to sack someone for being a bit tired. Hard to be a surgeon or operate heavy machinery perhaps. Most workplaces are very tolerant of tired parents of young children. Which is good, given most parents of young children work.

OP knows what hard work looking after small children is - that’s why he doesn’t want to do it. There is no question that his wife is working hard at home while he works elsewhere.

How about the wife gets a job first and then they both do 50/50 after.

You’re spot on OP.

There’s no reason to burn your kids on sleep deprivation. It’s not that hard to mind kids on little sleep, you just need to be awake. And mothers can nap during the day when their kids nap.

Whereas in the workplace - fine-tuned intellectual work that needs to be wholly accurate - that is harder on less sleep ime. And if something went wrong at home she’s not going to get fired, whereas you may - and then her mealticket expires and she may need to get a job.

If she finds SAHparenting so hard - she either needs to find a childminder or she’s not cut out for it and further kids is a bad idea.

Has she any idea how expensive having a large family becomes as they grow older, not to mention once they start at University then one, two or all of them come back to live with you.
The only people I’m aware of that have more than 2 children these days are either exceptionally wealthy or are on benefits.

Ooh, a passive aggressive "sweetie". How very original 🤣🤣🤣

Some unnecessarily horrid replies on this thread, I think many PPs are projecting their own frustration with a lazy husband. OP's wife sounds like a spoilt little madam used to getting her own way.

Not voting as it's a split. You are not unreasonable for not wanting more children and you need to both work through that together but you are unreasonable if you don't parent your existing children 50/50. The SAHM parent is also up at 6am and all day and doing night wake up and the rest. There isn't ample opportunity or time for rest. You should have a good weekend system that allows you both to have a lay in. And shared bedtimes too.

I agree with all of this.

It’s ok to want the trad wife role - I may not understand it but some women and men too want to live like that - but then do it properly: SAHM does the nights and early wakings - if it’s too much then get some childcare. But don’t ask the breadwinner to do nights as they’re the one keeping the entire show on the road. If they get sacked from a sleep-deprived mistake - you’re all fucked.

She wants her cake and eat it: to be bank-rolled at the same time as demanding a 50:50 input that would only be valid if she was working FT too.

I also agree that the line must be drawn on children. She may not want more hypothetical children if she actually pulled her weight with the ones she has.

Not upset, sweetie.

You were hardly the first to suggest a vasectomy, if “not rehashing” is so important to you.

Tattie-bye!

You knew that lots of kids were part of the deal. You made that deal, chose that life. Now you’re trying to renege on that deal - while retaining the parts of that life that you want. A pick-n-mix marriage.

You've deceived her. Tricked her into believing you’d agreed to the life she wanted - that she was very honest about up-front.

You’ve already decided how much / little effort you’re willing to put in - based I suspect on how little you think you can get away with, without her divorcing you or showing overt resentment towards you every day. How little you can get away with while still expecting to be viewed - by yourself, by people outside your marriage - as a good guy.

You’re here to test the waters with us - ‘how little can I get away with and still have other women think I’m ok?’ So you can throw that back in her face. Shame on you.

Be a good person. Be honest up-front (as she has been). Make agreements and stick to them. If you can’t parent more children don’t have them. Face up to her disappointment and take responsibility for your role in setting her up for that. This will be uncomfortable for you. Face that.

Don’t pretend to be a ‘Good Guy’TM while adopting dishonesty, deception and manipulation to perpetuate your selfishness.

If you want an honest, open conversation with her, have it. No-one really knows how much work children are until they have them. You’ve reached your limit for being a good dad. What can the two of you work out together?

Fucking ridiculous. Ypu don't solve your marriage problems by "gifting" a child.

You either hold your line on no more kids or you go into it with your eyes wide open and throw yourself in.

In other words, if you concede to be a dad, you become a dad and step up.

You don't get to opt out because you're trying to play the nice guy who only wants to please your wife when really you just want an easy life.

Take some bloody ownership of your life choices.

Sorry to be rude but you've really really pissed me off with your "nice guy" dilemma, which is really just a shiny package for a man who doesn't like parenting and cba but doesn't want to lose his family man status or home comforts.

Your points have already been discussed ad nauseam on this thread, I'm not really interested in rehashing those points.

Very sorry if that upsets you.

And thank you so much for ignoring the actual points I made. How pointless of you.

Have a wonderful day.

And thank you so much for ignoring the actual points I made. How pointless of you.

Have a wonderful day.

OP I have had the same internal debate, as my DH wants a 3rd child and I don’t think he is even doing 50/50 with the 2 we have. I’ve been thinking “if he promises to xyz would I do it?” as I would quite like a 3rd.

The answer has to be no. In the world where you talk it out and she agrees to do 70% of childcare, she gets pregnant then says “ah I feel terrible you’ll have to do 100% now” you have NO COMEBACK. It’s done. It doesn’t matter what each person promises to do.

Your choices here are to put your foot down and say no more kids, risking your marriage.

Or you say you feel over capacity now, but look forward to talking about it when 2 oldest are in nursery and your shared capacity is greater. You can reframe this as wanting to be the best dad for the kids you have, as it’s clear from your post you’re not finding joy in them which is contributing to their behaviour and stress.

Obviously it’s hard with little kids, but please do think about whether as an older adult you will enjoy parenting three teens, or having 3 adult children to help out.

Well thank you so much for correcting my very obvious typo that I didn't spot until the unreasonably short time limit for corrections had expired.

In future I will attempt to satisfy your pedantic need for correct grammar even though you understood perfectly what my swype keyboard had supplied.

🤣😂🤣

You're baffled that there are women who scheme and use emotional blackmail to get their own way.

Ahahahahahaha nope.

She was clear, he was clear (apparently) and they married anyway. Either of them could have said “this is an incompatibility and we should split up” just as many couples do if, eg, one wants kids and one doesn’t at all.

He's tried, "I've said two I meant two, special now I know how hard work they are

You mean “especially”

But - has he, in fact, said this to her? Given his OP is about “if she wants another, is it fair to get her to do more of the work”. That doesn’t sound like a definite no, it sounds like
a “yes, if…”

She sounds quite insufferable, and like she needs to get a job/outside interest... but in reading all your posts I honestly don't know why you married her if you had very different ideas of what your future together should look like. This is the inevitable outcome of not being on the same page.

If she wants to be a stay at home mummy, and wants a load of children, she needs to take on the trad-wife role and suck up the bigger share of the responsibilities of having a load of children. IMO. If it's so difficult and tiring for her why does she want more children?

But ultimately I agree with PP who say you should put your foot down if you don't want any more children. Don't bring children who aren't 100% wanted into the world. If your wife would leave you and break up your children's lives then I'd be seriously reconsidering what kind of person she is. Does she really care more about theoretical children, that do not yet exist, than her actual living children?

All? Errr, no. I'm not baffled.

You're baffled that there are women who scheme and use emotional blackmail to get their own way.

I think maybe you don't meet enough women.

He's tried, "I've said two I meant two, special now I know how hard work they are. Her response has been to intimate that she will leave him and find another sperm donor sugar daddy/brother.

God this forum is very anti men at times isn't it? I also think I'm reading a different thread than other people at times.

He told her before they married that his preference was 1 child but that he could manage 2.

She married him anyway believing that he would be so besotted by his own children that he would change his mind, or that she could grind him down. She's trying the grind him down approach now he's found out how hard work children are.

She's clearly indicated to him somehow that she will leave him if he doesn't give her more children. He's trying desperately, including posting on here to face the criticism that he's had, to work out how to keep her happy without driving himself into a breakdown.

And this is his fault somehow? He has lied to her somehow?

I hope he has the sense to get a vasectomy.

I think a lot of people will have an idea of how many kids they want and then change their minds when they actually start having them. People don't always realise how hard they will find parenting or they'll assume a level of help from extended family that doesn't always match reality. Even if promises are made this isn't one that can always be kept.

I think we are all baffled as to why they got married if they were both clear (as OP claims) about the number of children they wanted.

Adding another layer of bafflement is why OP hasn’t said “look, Jane, I said before we married that I only wanted one, max two, and I haven’t changed my mind on that. I am happy to go to couples counselling to discuss and to get a vasectomy so that you aren’t responsible for contraception, but that’s how I feel, I’m sorry”

I was reading it as if he was a bit meh whatever about it.

However I can see now ive reread op posts with a different view that it seemed he wasn't so meh and actually made it pretty clear he didnt want more.

So if hes in the wrong so is the DW for thinking he'd change his mind as she'll "get her own way".

They're as bad as each other over this. But I still think its OK for someone to put their foot down over number of children conceived if parenting hasnt been what they thought. Its the responsible thing to do tbh.

I love the way you're complaining about never getting time off.

Also, calling women "females".

How much time off does your wife get?

It's odd that a woman who really wanted a big family ended up with a man who really didn't want that at all. Did you lie to her to get her to marry you?

Your financial setup is also really, really odd.