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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

608 replies

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:19

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

OP posts:
PevenseygirlQQ · 31/01/2026 13:28

I think if you don’t want anymore children thats totally fair, and I think your wife has to come to terms with that, however you also did know pre-children how many she wanted you should have made it clear then you did not want the same, maybe she thinks once a 3rd is here you’ll feel fine.

If you don’t want anymore get a vasectomy, birth control doesn’t just have to be up to your wife.

ArseSkinForAFriend · 31/01/2026 13:27

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Yes this would be unfair.

What you need to do is grow a spine and tell her you do NOT want any more children.

What she does with that information will then be up to her.

But you need a vasectomy pronto.

You can't go into parenthood half-arsed.

You either want more kids or you do not.

sundayvibeswig22 · 31/01/2026 13:27

You shouldn’t have more children because you already said 2 is enough. All children should be wanted and you don’t want more.

on the other hand why can you not get up at 6am to parent your child? Your wife doesn’t get to ‘just’ parent 8-6. Parenting outside of work hours should be split pretty fairly with both of you getting downtime. When your kids are in school that’s a different matter imo as if your wife is still at home she’ll have lots of free time.

MakingPlans2025 · 31/01/2026 13:26

You should be doing 50:50 when you’renot working tbh. IMO that applies to early mornings and overnights too unless your job involves driving or heavy machinery as she is “working” all day too looking after the kids. But you shouldn’t agree to more kids if you don’t want them.
also why are you paying for nursery if she is a SAHM? If they’re at nursery during the day she should be doing pretty much everything else. Or get a job. The “family mjney” thing makes me suspect she is a bit of a princess.

Original poster
dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:26

@RosieCottonDancingsorry perhaps I explained this quite terribly. It’s not that I would do 50/50 with Child 1 and Child 2, then nothing with Child 3 and Child 4, I would just do overall (let’s say, although it’s very theoretical and can’t be measured exactly) 30% of “work” of having children with all the 3-4 of the kids rather than more with the eldest and less with the youngest.
in practice, perhaps that looks like I don’t wake up in the night unless it’s an emergency / my wife really needs it but in an ordinary night my wife handles the night waking up. Or I have some weekends where I’m at the pub on Saturday afternoon, away from the chaos that 3-4 children bring.

OP posts:
Livelaughlurgy · 31/01/2026 13:26

If you have the kids then you need to be responsible for them. You have to look at it from the kids point of view. They don't understand the reason mom does everything is because dad didn't really want the last two so negotiated his way out of parenting by providing sperm....
It could be worse- if she was working you'd have to do 50% of the sick days and dentists and dinners and clothes shopping and extra circulars

RosieCottonDancing · 31/01/2026 13:22

If I definitely didn’t want 3-4 children, I wouldn’t agree to have more children, personally.

How will you explain to kids 3 and 4 that you’re not going to do XYZ for them because you never really wanted them?

Alwayslurkingsometimesposting · 31/01/2026 13:21

2 separate issues here. If you don't want any more children then that's it- there shouldn't be any more children. BUT I would say you are responsible for doing 50:50 in your non working time with the 2 you have so I'd stop resisting that if you want to have a good marriage

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