AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

I was a SAHM, my DH works in a finance in the city and works long hours. I took the view that he paid all the bills and I took care of the children. He rarely got up during the nights. At the weekend we did things 50/50 but Monday to Friday it was all me. For 2 years he worked in Germany

Please don't have children that you don't want. Do you really think she'd leave you?

If you have more kids you'll be unhappy and resentful, it's no way to live.

Firstly, you shouldn't have more kids than you want. Having or not having kids isn't something you can comprise about.

She wants things to be 50:50 when you are at home. I think that's fair. It's your home and they are your kids. You are basically expected to do the minimums required to actually live. She isn't on her arse all day eating bonbons she is at home working for your family. It doesn't make money but it does have value.

Anyway, if I was you I'd say no more children. It might be a deal breaker for her and she might leave you but that's her choice. I'd have a vasectomy so I am in control of my fertility. If she does leave you you'll still need to step up and parent and manage your own home and all that involves.

You told her you only wanted one child. You set that expectation but you haven’t stuck to it which has blurred her expectations. Honestly, you should have realised you were incompatible at the point she was telling you she wanted more and would have them regardless. This is what happens when partners don’t respect other people’s boundaries and now you already have children involved it’s even more of a mess to get out of.

Don’t have more children. You don’t want them and you don’t want to be a father to them. If she wants more, she will need to leave and find another man or a sperm donor.

We agreed on the number of children we had (3). However when I was a SAHM and DH worked full time I always gave him Sunday afternoons 'off'. Now finances have allowed him to drop to 4 days a week so he uses that day instead, but we are both people who need a break from the kids built in to our weeks. It sounds like regardless of whether you have more children you would benefit from discussing something like this with your wife.

I think I might not have gone for number 3 if DH had said he really couldn't face getting up with him at 6am. As I find that stuff really hard too. But your wife might feel differently. There's no harm in having an open conversation about how hard you find it currently and what you feel you could realistically cope with.

Well that makes her sound horrendously selfish but she’s entitled to choose that route if she wants to though.
having a child you don’t want will lead to the relationship breaking down anyway though, so you aren’t choosing between ‘happy marriage with an extra child or two’ and ‘single dad with two’

Her leaving is preferable to having children you don’t want.

Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility that was either wilfully ignored by both of you, or never really communicated clearly.

Now is the time to sit down and discuss it properly- total honesty and no false hope or unrealistic compromises. Before an "accidental" pregnancy happens and the child suffers.

I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

Are you really this desperate that you'd continue a marriage to a woman who doesn't care enough about you and the kids you already have, to split the family up and find another man to father a couple more kids with?

You can say no to more children for any reason at all. Make sure you use effective contraception.

You already have a 1yo and 4yo. The days of “Saturday afternoon in the pub alone” to get away from the chaos are over until they’re older. On this you’re totally unreasonable. You made these kids, you’re their dad, you can’t opt out of being with them at the weekend because you never wanted them in the first place. You should have said no to babies 1 and 2 if that’s what you wanted, just like you’re going to say no to 3 and 4.

Why on earth did you make a life with a woman who wants a completely different life to you?

You shouldn't have more children just because your wife wants them.

You really shouldn't have started a family with her at all if you weren't on the same page.

If she leaves you then she leaves you but you won't have made a child you don't 100% want.

It sounds as if she's independently wealthy and has all the leverage in this situation? The only leverage you have OP is that you can refuse to provide your gametes.

You should have made it crystal clear 2 is your max and keep firm on that, she absolutely shouldn’t threaten to leave if you don’t father anymore children, that is not on, if she chooses to leave then thats on her

"Im happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour".

I think that this says more than you think it does...it tells me that because she is a SAHM you should be able to opt out, and that anything you do is optional ...helping her.

On that front, you are very wrong. You should never have agreed to have any children whatsoever if this is your attitude to their needs. No-one dreams of waking up at 6 every other morning (which doesn't sound that bad to be fair) or wrangling toddlers, but it is part and parcel of being a parent of however many children you have.

On the subject of more kids, yanbu, whoever doesn't want them wins. Though perhaps you should never have married someone who wanted such different things to you...telling her you were ok with it, and then resenting it so much?

Do you not share the waking up etc now?

If dh was the sahp, I would expect him to put the same hours in as I was working, then we'd split the rest.

I'm a teacher, so more of the household stuff used to fall to me in the holidays. In term time, he stepped up.

However, being at home was a complete doss compared to being at work AND having to come home to general house shit, so I do think the sahp should be doing the bulk.

Bollocks to having more than 2 kids though.

If you don’t want another child then you absolutely should not have one.
The resentment will destroy everything. But in answer to your question, no I don’t think it’s fair to expect more input from one partner than the other to ‘pay you back’ effectively for agreeing to another child
You decide where your limit is and you stick to it. Her desire for more children does not trump your needs

I think your overall point is reasonable. It’s ok to say I don’t want more kids and if you do, you have to go for a more traditional model because I want some me time. It’s a hard one as neither of you are wrong but your wishes mismatch and hard as it is you need to be very upfront before any further pregnancies.

However. Saying ‘I can’t do regular early wake ups or toddler tantrums’ - unreasonable. These children are here now and I do think you need to share their care. It’s fine to agree that when you are getting up early for work, she does more of the mornings, for example. And all the other many household and parenting responsibilities- of course she will take more of these due to being a SAHM. But do you think she doesn’t find that exhausting? She’s skipping along through these 6am wakes and toddler wrangling? She’s exhausted too, as she’s doing a really hard job, just like you are.

I also think it’s fine to say ‘we agreed your load would go up because you’re the one who wants this’ but the reality of 3 or 4 kids and a completely wrung out exhausted wife - it’s not likely to be good for your relationship if you just stand back and say ‘well this is what you wanted’. Will you just stand back and let her struggle alone? If you really don’t want more kids I think you need to be clear and draw a line.

The two of you should get equal time off, so that means you doing 50:50 when you’re not working (unless it’s both children at nursery? In which case I’d say she’s getting a fair bit of time off during the week).

I don’t think anyone should have a child that isn’t wanted by both parents. So I think you have to say no to more children if you don’t want them.

These are human lives you’re talking about, if you don’t want anymore have a vasectomy. Please don’t bring more children into the world whose father doesn’t want them and thinks they can just subcontract out their love and care.

I don’t think you’re a bad person for not wanting anymore children, you obviously know your limits, I wouldn’t want that many either. In terms of time to yourself, as long as both of you get equal downtime then it shouldn’t be an issue. Weekends should split evenly, you could do something with them one weekend day and she could do the next weekend day and you can go and do what you want. Then one day all together. When the children get older and start doing clubs and seeing friends you’ll have more time.

Oh no. This isn't bargaining like, "you wanted an expensive car, you can pay the maintenance bills" would be, your children are people. They get one Dad and that's you. You can't half-arse it.

So don't bring children into a home where they're not wanted. Don't tell your wife that "you wanted kids, you deal with them" either. Don't have them, be open with your wife and give her the opportunity to find someone who wants a future that aligns with her own ambitions.

”im happy to occasionally wake up with the baby” - why only occasionally? You have two children currently and still want to be hands off?
In principle though, I understand where you’re coming from - I have 3 children - second birth was twins. My EX husband and I were thrown in the deep end as we planned for two not three. He’s very very hands on equal parent though, and I was the SAHM. Evenings, nights, early mornings and weekends though were 100% split, often him taking on more than me.

it wrecked our marriage because we were just battling with three small children constantly, but we both focussed on the kids 100%.

it doesn’t sound like you would want to do that, and so I really think it would definitely wreck your marriage if you kept having children you don’t want

You didn't want the same things at all so I'm confused as to why you started a family with her.
Before you had children did you tell her your expectations? It really isn't unreasonable to expect a father to do even parenting whem he isn't working.

Ultimately you should not be having children you don't absolutely want.