AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

You signed up for the large family dream. As per usual, the real true graft and being in the trenches of parenting has got in the way. But your wife is still holding on to the life you both agreed to. Or did you lie?

If it’s any consolation, you might find that more kids actually becomes easier in the long run because they play and distract each other. Certainly the workload becomes peak at 3 (I wanted loads and stopped at 3). Your wife might too.

You should be 50/50 with any kids you agree to have, but you shouldn't agree to have more kids than you want/ can manage.

Get the snip. If she leaves you, so be it. You will know the marriage wasn't her priority.

This.

I'd never say this unsolicited but I honestly think that having more than 2 kids in the absence of extra family help or paid help is more often than not a really bad idea. Trust your instincts and stick with 2 even if it means some difficult conversations.

Do you want a child enough that you don’t mind the extra work?

Never mind that.

The question you should be asking yourself is 'Do I really want to stay married to a woman who has so little regard for me and the kids we already have, that she'd split the whole family up if I refused to father more'.

You should never have more children than you collectively agree on. It sounds like you should have stopped at 1, but now you have two, so that’s where you’re at.

Parenting should be largely 50/50 when you aren’t working. Yes, assuming she is well, she should do the bulk of (but not all of the overnights) especially if you have pressing things on with work the next day that require you to be well rested.

But having been home FT with small children and doing 6am-8pm days with a long London commute, I can tell you that working is definitely easier and less exhausting than being a SAHP. I pretty much ran out of the house and back to the office!

You don’t get to relax and put your feet up because parenting isn’t your passion project. Otherwise, it works the other way too. You get to go out to work instead of being stuck solo parenting 40-50 hours a week. You should be skipping around full of energy because you get to do your thing all week.

When you’re both home, you’re both on duty. You take over from her when you get in because you’ve missed out all day. You both get time to yourselves too. Not everything has to be a family day out all the time. But you get a day off for a hobby or a weekend away, she gets the next day or next weekend or whatever.

I don’t at all agree that it’s 50/50 when you are not at work.
SAHM means house are kids are her job predominantly and the family livelihood is yours.

You can’t be expected to do nights when you have to get up and keep your job to keep the family.

Furthermore, this is her vocation and her dream so she should step up.

You should expect your weekends to be predominantly family orientated of course. But I would expect g you to only occasionally do nights.

Your wife will, after all, get a lot of free time once all kids are at school, but you will not till your retire. It’s reasonable therefore, for her workload to be too loaded in these early years, especially as she feels this is her dream.

If you'd have more children you don't want just to stop your wife leaving and your wife would break up your family if you don't agree to have more kids then I'm not sure either of you have your priorities straight. You have two children who deserve better than parents who are prioritising themselves.

Your 9-5 job is working for your employer. Your wife's 9-5 job is looking after your home and children. Outside that time, you are equal parents. Being employed in paid work does not mean you get to duck out the rest of the time, and if you get time away from the kids to recharge, so should she. It really pisses me off men who think childcare isn't work and they should only have to occasionally babysit or "help out" with their own damn kids outside work because their money is all they need to bring to the family table and everything else is just gravy. Kids need fathers who do fathering, not just a bloody bank account.

Which brings me to my next point. If you are not doing that much fathering with the two you already have, what on earth are you even considering another two for? If your wife leaves you over not wanting more kids, that shows you are not compatible in the life you want. And you only want to be a part time dad anyway by the sound of it, so being an every other weekend father may well suit you nicely. At least then you won't be bringing unwanted children into the world whose upbringing you won't really be participating in.

Grow up and make some adult choices, and do your fair share with the kids you already have. SMH.

If she's joking that she'll "get her way" I'd be getting the snip urgently if I were you mate!

I like your wife wanted a large family. We now have 5 DC. My DH was not as fussed as me and was happy to stop at two. The difference is I do most of the work for the DC. I accept I am home most of the day. At the weekends I carry on doing most of the work as I feel my DC works so hard during the week he needs a break. I get the odd break when the children are at school or having a nap. It works for us.

Agreed it is unreasonable to push people for more children than they want and it is quite reasonable for you to say that now you have experienced two, you know that is quite enough for you

To me your wife sounds unreasonable.

I think you should go to couples counselling to talk this out before you have any other children. She needs to know exactly where she stands before having any more kids.

She's not wrong to want 4 children and you're not wrong to want to stop at 2. If you're willing to compromise then she should too. This means her taking on more of the baby care.

Usually the stay at home parent does the bulk of the house work/child care anyway. Not all of it, of course you still need to pull your weight. Which it does sound like you do with a 70/30 split.

What is the reason you don’t want to care for your children? Is it exhaustion? Maybe as a family you need some more support.
I think she is reasonable to want your support when you are at home. But you will have different strengths.
Im one of 4 and my Mum says that when Nr 3 comes along it actually becomes easier because you stop fighting the - I don’t like the word chaos - energy that three bring.
Also ever phase of childhood has pluses and minus. Maybe you are not so skilled in the small child phase but excel at tweens and teens.
This is a joint effort between you and your wife. At the moment your descriptions imply it’s you on one side and wife on the other.
Maybe a night nanny for those short (in the scheme of life) disrupted sleep could be possible. Or an au pair.

Do 50-50 with the kids you have when you are at home.

Also, get the snip. You are entirely within your rights to say no to more children. I very much doubt she’d leave you over it. She would probably have to get a job if she did and no guarantee that she would meet another person to have a kid with.

Sorry I was interrupted by my son and it posted! The working in Germany, he was home every weekend.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable about the childcare but agree with everyone else who says you shouldn’t have a child if you have reservations. You need to sit down and agree terms.

To be fair, I don’t think anyone knows how many children they want until they’ve at least had one! You can say you want four, but once you realise how hard it is you’re entitled to change your mind.

I think that both of you should be able to have times where you get breaks e.g one weekend you have an afternoon with your mates, the next weekend she goes out for a morning etc etc. Maybe you go to the gym one night and she goes to a hobby group one night. Things like that. Without planned breaks and solo time , the burnout hits fast. I don’t think any of us would want our lives solely taken up by parenting and work.

Really you need to spell it out to her though if you definitely don’t want more children. And if that is a deal breaker for her and she leaves to find that elsewhere, then from your perspective maybe that’s a good thing as then you become a “50 / 50” dad and get your breaks half the week.

God knows why you married her jf you didnt agree on planning a larger family. Please don’t have any more, it’s not fair on the prospective kids. You should both have an equal amount of kid free downtime. How you work this out is up to you

Think about your future kids rather than you or your wife for a moment. You are basically considering fathering kids you don't want.

How is that going to play out long term in how you show up for your kids? In terms of how your kids see you being a father? And judge themselves, and you on it? You are basically saying that if you have more than you already have you are going to opt out of decent parenting.

Please don't do that to them, or yourself.

I don’t think you can have more kids. You are being realistic about your limits and it’s just not going to be great on the future kids if you weren’t really wanting them. You will end up resenting both the kids and your wife if you have more just to prevent her walking away - what happens then? If she is a good mum and wife she will recognise that pushing you to have more children than you want isn’t the right thing for anyone, even if it’s a hard swallow for her. I want more children that my husband, but hard as it is, I will stop at his limits. I’d rather my existing children (and me!) have the best of him.

Does your wife get a Sunday afternoon away from the chaos?

Commit 50:50 to the ones you have. Consider getting the snip or other form of contraception if you don't want more, and tell your wife why.

Maybe she will leave, but I think that it is easier to say than do with a 1 and 4 year old.