AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Wifey is taking the absolute piss here!

You already sound a bit lazy like the kids are hers not both of yours. I would be firm in my refusal to produce more and if she wants them she can find another sperm donor

Childrearing is full-on. It's not unreasonable for you as the dad to be involved at the weekend as your wife is a SAHM and, relatively unusually, making a financial contribution despite not earning. You expectations of gender roles seem to be stuck in the 1950s.

Please put on hold having any more children until you've found a professional to mediate the conversation you didn't have before you got married. The relationship between number of children / amount of work is more complex than this thread suggests. It depends on how you parent individually and as a couple, your tolerance levels, your energy levels, and the nature of the children nature and nurture deliver, and what domestic help you can afford.

OP almost every single person has said pretty much the same thing.

If you don’t want more kids, and if you’re not willing to do 50% of the work of parenting for more kids, then don’t have more kids.

And have a vasectomy pronto.

There is no way the extra kids won’t affect you. Even if your wife agrees to take on most of the work… the house will still be noisier, messier, there will be less money, less free time. Your wife will probably be resentful if you disappear off to the pub and leave her with 3/4 kids at the weekend - even if she had agreed to it.

Honestly this kind of “agreement” would just make you an arsehole and her resentful. Just say no to more kids. 2 is plenty.

You say she’d leave you if you refuse more kids… maybe… but I suspect you’d end up splitting anyway if you attempt the “she does more of the work” version.

You need to have an honest conversation with your wife. No kid deserves to brought into this world unwanted. Talk with her.

No, I don't; but I'm imagining my intense workdays of 7 or 8am start to 1am finish, then a nightbus home. That was pre-kids. Or my post kids work of 3 jobs (one of which was a night job after the day job) and full time single parent responsibilities. I have zero empathy for a man whining about how hard his 9-5 job is.

You seem fundamentally incompatible. Kids are something you are having so you can be with her. She wants kids with someone who finds children just as much of a joy as she does.

It sounds like she has family money. Can you both outsource some of the gruntwork so you can spend more time on the joyful parts? A cleaner, a babysitter to help on some weekends so you can both go out and do fun things occasionally, and so on. Or, is it that, even with more help, you actually just don't want to spend the time with the kids because you don't like being with kids? If it's the latter, then you are back to the problem of being incompatible.

I think its fine to say no.

4 teens would involve a lot of running around and as they get older doing sports and clubs its non stop. Can be football every weekend etc and with 4 you would need to divvy it up.

Then there is the cost! And presuming everyone stays in good health.

You need to speak to her. It wont work at all if you say yes but you wont help as much. When it comes to day to day life that wont be the case. Its not practical to think it will.
Either way it seems you really need to wait a good few years before even contemplating another baby .

Have you cracked immortality? What happens if something happens to your wife?

Meanwhile you are equally responsible for the children already here, what would the extra you pay for 'bills' provide in the free child care you are receiving?

Are you helping your beloved wife protect her financial future?

This is the part that needs addressing most urgently. You are discussing this as though you're half-way to agreeing to more children [as long as there's no extra effort required from you].

But the most crucial part of the discussion doesn't seem to have been resolved. You don't really want more children. You say that was how you went into this - she knew that and thought she could convince you otherwise. That's on her.

As most PPs have said - don't have more children unless you really want them. Tell her you don't want more children. What she does with that is up to her.

She wants a swimming pool and you think it's too much work - fine to agree that she's responsible for it. You want gourmet food every day and she's happy with microwave frozen dinners - shift responsibilities so that you handle meals and she picks up something else. One wants a pet and the other doesn't? It impacts you both and will require some work, but generally fair for the person who initiated to be the primary caretaker. One of you doesn't want more children OR isn't prepared to commit absolutely fully to parenting a(nother) child for the next 18+ years? No (more) children.

Yes, it would have been ideal to be in agreement about children before getting married, and before having the first. Many, many couples, even those deeply in love, split up over this, and it hurts like hell. Since you wanted one child and she wanted several, you got further into the process before it became a dealbreaker. But it can also happen that a couple are genuinely in agreement over wanting, say, three children and one person genuinely changes their mind. You still don't have children you don't want.

WHEN AND IF someone does have children, those children necessarily become the top priority, and they are going to know, and suffer, if one of the parents is indifferent or part-time or checked out. Yes, there are single parents and there are cases where one parent HAS to be absent or very busy for a period of time and there are parents who just suck and are neglectful and there's nothing the other parent can do. People make the best of those situations, but intentionally and knowingly CREATING this situation is madness. Don't do it.

Being a sahm is different to working full time. If she had to get up early to see to kids she can have a nap during the day. She can run her own timetable to suit her. Working full time for an employer is different, you can't just have a nap at work to make up for a disrupted night. Your wife is incredibly selfish not to see that. Share the load equally at weekends, build in rest time for you. The week child/home cover is her job. Wanting more kids would enable her to lead this quite cushy setup lifestyle for longer. Once the current two go to school she might need to get a job!

As a SAHM when my kids were young, I saw it as my job. I enjoyed being a mum and preferred it to working, finding it more fulfilling and flexible - so it worked for me. My husband went to work five days a week and I looked after the children, which meant I did the night wakings and the early mornings during the week, with him doing 50/50 of the household jobs/childcare that took place after work.

In practice, that usually meant he cooked three nights a week, did any housework I couldn't get to during the day (there was always something!), did half the baths and bedtimes, and took his turn entertaining the children.

On the weekends we were 50/50 as well.

So I don't see an issue with that sort of set up, in theory. If your wife wants more children and you're not fussed, then it makes sense that - not working - she takes on the night wakings and early mornings so you're in good shape for work, but you split all your non-working hours evenly (because she deserves time off from her job of being a mum, too!) However, it doesn't sound like she would want to do that, which could lead to resentment building up on both sides, so...it's probably best to not have any more children.

You have no idea how intense his workday is. That hour drive each way could easily be spend having work calls and whilst there it can be very intense.
the op is not getting any break during his week and it sounds like he needs it

If you don't want a bigger family, don't have any more children.

You fundamentally should absolutely not agree to having more children if you don't want more children. I can see how you might think that a bargain where you agree to more children if she agrees that if she gets what she wants and remains a SAHM, she will do the majority of the childcare and domestic work, but that is clearly not going to work here, as she is already not on board with the idea of it not being 50/50.

She will leave you if you insist on stopping at 2? That is not the sign of a solid marriage. Had you always given her the impression that you would let her have a big family even though you didn't want one?

Not U of your wife to want you to do some night / early morning / weekday parenting, but less than 50% would be fairer. especially if she’s not doing paid work as her wish but against yours.

It’s clear from the OP that her financial contribution is not 50/50.

Stop it with the "grow up".

He's obviously communicated with his wife and so far is at a stalemate. He's now seeking advice from women to broaden his perspective. In what possible way is that childish?

she said she wanted kids, she wanted to do most of the child-related work

She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it.

What happened between her statements one and two to change things?
Does she find it hard going?

If she loves you as much as you do her she wouldn't keep on to you about having more DC, she knows that you feel you can't handle more than two and still she continues, that's pretty selfish and no one, be it man or woman should be falsed to make DC they don't want.

Wear protection and book a Dr's appointment about getting a vasectomy.

This. I have 4 DC my DH worked hard so I could be a SAHM. I was happy to take on all caring responsibilities and nights. He had a job that involved driving so needed to sleep well. If this is her dream and she enjoys it there is no reason why she shouldn't have the responsibility to look after them most of the time.

Popcorn 🍿😀
Medal for bravery to the OP 🎖️
Dunces trophy to OP for being mostly wrong 👏🪣

The point of a SAHP is to raise the children, take some of the stress from the working parent, otherwise you might as well both be working FT.
Weekend lie in should definitely be split and bedtimes but not getting them ready in the morning before work.?

You're struggling with the 2 kids you have. Be honest about that. You need to tell your wife. You married her knowing she wanted a big family when you didn't. A mistake you're now going to have to rectify. Because you cannot agree to adding more children to your family unit when you're not coping with the kids you already have.