AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

This is such a tricky situation @dadtosomekids I think it's very wise of you to admit you're at your limit and cannot take on anymore. That's absolutely fine. It's better to acknowledge this, than just be steamrolled into having another couple of children, then you becoming so overwhelmed and burnt out that you cannot cope or become utterly miserable. Everyone will suffer in that situation.

I can absolutely see from your wife's view too, her maternal instincts are craving another and another. I get that too. And yes, it's fair to parent 50/50.

However, you both need a break each week, whether you both individually get a morning or afternoon or evening to recharge.

What are your wife's plans for when the youngest child starts school? She already has her wealth, will she just be chilling and enjoying life then? Then still expect 50/50 parenting whilst you're not at work? Just wondering if either of you have thought that far ahead yet.

In terms of a vasectomy which many have said, whilst I do think that is wise, absolutely do not go ahead with this before full discussions with your wife. To go and do this without her knowledge would be a huge betrayal and would probably end your marriage.

There are no winners in this situation. I do think as you've hit your limit that you shouldn't have more. It's just how to frame that to your wife. I'd explain to her pretty much what I said in my first paragraph.

I do get your wife's yearning for more (although, I personally didn't want a large family), but I do understand women who do, but realistically, we don't always get what we want in life, and sometimes compromises have to be made, I do think it would be somewhat selfish of her to demand another two children, when you already expressed you had only ever wanted one.

You cannot resolve this without one of you being unhappy. I do feel in this case it should be your wife, as I don't feel it's fair to bring more children into a family where a parent is already at their limit with parenting life.

He pays the household bills doesn't he? Says in original post.

He said they paid 50/50 because she had family money. So while she isn't working outside the home, they share costs.

Hmm, wonder if this is one of these man threads where he doesn’t get the replies he wants and doesn’t come back? Seems a lot of them lately.

No, this man, father of two is taking the piss. He has children, wife pays half of the cost of everything

She pays nowhere near 50/50.

On the one hand you have things insanely easy with your wife.

Although you work, you have a full time SAHM PLUS she pays 50% of the household bills and pays for all her own expenses.

So you have the benefit of full time childcare and half the bills being paid; very few people get this.

If you split up, you’d probably have to do/pay for more childcare AND pay all household expenses by yourself.

That said, no one should have more children than they want and you seem set at two, so that’s all you should have.

When does your Wife get to spend Saturday afternoon in the pub without the kids?

It doesn't sound like you are that invested in the ones you've got.

Tell your wife honestly so that she can make her own decisions.

You work 8-6 on weekday... you seem to think that because she's opted to look after your young children she should do that 24/7.. except for the times when you occasionally chip in to "help" which is seen as a real kindness/favour because you don't see it as your role at all.

You seem to want all the benefits of having a wife, children, family home, without any of the downsides which are that it is jolly hard work looking after young children 24/7. You say you work 8-6 but so does she, she is working as a child carer, housekeeper etc. Weekends are when you should share the care. Most fathers actually find this quite rewarding. My DH couldn't wait for the weekends and spent a lot of time taking them to sports lessons and other outings.

Finally.
"I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour."

But you expect your wife to do all of these things that you can't. I think this really sums up your attitude towards your wife and children... you just aren't into it.

Seriously, you need to tell her this so she can make her own decisions about whether she can put up with this or not. Its not fair to keep all this resentment under your hat without giving her the choice too.

Just because your choices/outcomes were insane/unlucky it doesn't mean everyone else should be judged by them.

Honestly, the whole "I've had it worse than everyone" schtick is ridiculous.

She always made it clear that she’d like 3-4, and jokes that she’ll get her way. She’s never talked about kids in a way that would suggest she’d ever stop at 2. It’s a “given” that she’d have more. I know she’d leave me if I refused to father more children.

Reading this make it sound like she just wants someone to make babies with and right now that someone is you.

If she'd truly leave you, that's really telling, shows who she really is.
I'd settle for that now, be better for you in the long run to have two DC you actually love to look after and pay child maintenance for as opposed to four.

He pays all the bills, no? She pays for her own spends, her clothes cup of coffee etc and the dentist. He pays to the household bills and the childrens costs, as well as holidays. I am pretty sure his would cost more.

You are not doing your fair share you are doing the basic very bare minimum. This is an APPALLING proposition DO NOT have two unwanted children. There can be no guarantees labour is easy and wife doesn't need care afterwards or she could die mate and you would be stuck with your poor unwanted children as a single dad unless you oalm them off into care, they could be so high need its a two parent job (it should be anyway you are lazy). Dont do it

I don't think that 'you want a third child, you do most of the work' is the solution here. Either you're going to end up treating one child differently, or you're going to treat them all differently than you do now, which the older one will notice (if you currently do 50 50). And I don't think it's actually possible to add another tiny needy human into the mix and it not impact at all on your workload.

Your reasons for not wanting another are valid. But your wife isn't listening to you. What's her response when you tell her that you find parenting hard and you don't want to add to that?

I think you need to double down on contraception as this sounds like a situation where an 'accident' could easily happen. I think you then need to go for joint counselling on how to get over this issue, as there is no obvious easy 'compromise', and people in general shouldn't have children that they don't want.

YABU. You either need to commit fully to being a dad of 3/4 with all the early wakings and disturbed nights that it brings or you need to say 'No, I'm done, I don't want any more children.'

You can't half arse parenthood. It's unfair on the children and on your wife who will really struggle with never getting any time to herself.

You are perfectly within your rights to say that 2 feels like enough and you don't want any more. Hell, get a vasectomy if you want to ensure it.

He's only out of the house until 6pm. That is a pretty light day if he's arriving home and doing nothing.

He should be doing nights because it's his baby.

It sounds as if you have always been consistent in wanting a maximum of 2 children, as you now have. If you want no more it is reasonable to continue to hold the line on this.

Is it really so likely she would leave you, the father of the 2 children she already has, because of your refusal to have more?

You shouldn’t have a child that you don't 101% want. That is the bottom line.

My friend was like your wife, when she got to 30 and biological clock was ticking, boyfriends were interviewed as to their willingness to start a family.
She got married and quickly pregnant, husband was okay with this but not keen on a second. Pretty soon she got pregnant again, he went along with it. Then she wanted a third, he didn’t. She got pregnant, once the baby was born he then started going to the pub or the gym on the way home from work until he was sure they were in bed. Fairly soon after they got divorced, before the eldest had even started school…
It’s really not fair on a child to be born to a parent who doesn’t want them. If it’s a deal breaker from your wife then so be it.
I’d also think about how you’d cope if one of you died, could you manage three alone?

She would leave you if you don't agree to 4 children, or more?
Your marriage is not strong if that's the case and it's blackmail. She of course can go and chase her dream of many children without you but I'd not be blackmailed personally. You guys are supposed to be a team.

No, this man, father of two is taking the piss. He has children, wife pays half of the cost of everything and he wants her to be the maid too. Doesn't want to get up with HIS children. Expects to be off when he arrives home from work, while she continues with the house, kids, domesticity.

He wants a maid and a nanny with a fanny while she continues to pay half.

"Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us."

I didn't say it was 50:50, but she contributes significantly more than is usually expected for a SAHM who is earning nothing, so it was disingenous of the poster I was replying to to say it was 100% on the OP to bring in money.

DH and I have 4dc and both got up 6am at weekends years ago and occasionally still do as youngest has additional needs. Eldest almost 19. Youngest 8. Stops any arguments over who sleeps longest at weekends 🤷‍♀️

When she said she wanted 3-4 kids and you wanted 1 that’s when you should have broken up. Instead you agreed that was fine because you wanted to keep her and instead decided to snatch that away from her when she was trapped instead of being honest.

Great job…

And no it’s not fair to have time to yourself away from the family or not wake up for your kids and expect your wife to do 90% of the work. That is called being a dad. You should’ve picked a wife who also wanted one child.

Dont have any more children. But prepare for her to resent you. Because you lied and misrepresented yourself.

If she would be willing to break up the family and leave you because 2 children isn't enough then that is a pretty crap situation.

When you discuss it with her, rather than arguing the toss over the little details like early wake ups, explain the big, long term reasons why you don't want more children.

If op is out of the house at work all day then why should be required to routinely do nights when the baby wakes up? When I was on mat leave, and my DH was back at work, I did nights. He would have struggled hugely in a professional working environment with no sleep, while I was at home (admittedly with 3 kids), but it is a different situation.

When I too returned to work then of course things had to be divided more equally in that sense.

op, if you don’t want more children then please don’t have them.

You shouldn't have more children unless you know that is what you want. You should take responsibility for contraception/vasectomy.

You should do 50:50 childcare and household tasks outside your working hours. You and your wife should have equal free time. This means you being responsible for both children sometimes, on your own, in return for time to yourself. You may be someone who finds children easier than babies, as they start to develop their own interests.

They're your children. 1, 2, 3 or 4. Once they're here, they are a joint responsibility. What if something happened to your wife and you were solely responsible for them?

If you don't want more children, be firm in it, and have a vasectomy. You have control over any more children. If you don't have a vasectomy, at some point, more children will arrive.

You said, I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family. When does your wife get time that is 'properly off'?

You said, 'I find it difficult to wake up at 5-6am especially when I have a full day of work ahead'. Your wife also has a full day ahead. I'd rather have YOUR full day than a full day of two under 5 children. You presumably prefer your own option too.

You claim to really love your wife and want to be with her. You don't sound like a loving, supportive partner. You sound like a person who wants what they want, and the other person has to pick up your slack.

She may not work outside the home but she is providing half of the family income (you said you go 50/50 on everything) and looks after YOUR two children every day. Her work doesn't finish at 5pm so yours shouldn't either. Get home and engage. If you don't want to do child related stuff, cook dinner, do housework, do the laundry, sort out the dishes, dust. It isn't wife work. It's adulting. If you lived alone you'd have to do it. You don't get to step back because she doesn't work outside the home.

So stop treating her like a maid, man up and do your share. And take responsibility for your fertility. She wouldn't be able to force you to have more children if you took adult responsibility for it.