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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

608 replies

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:19

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

OP posts:
rainingsnoring · 02/02/2026 21:25

Millymolly99 · 02/02/2026 21:11

Absolutely this

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I think this is fair, especially as it appears that she wants to carry on as a SAHM/housewife once the children are at school.

rainingsnoring · 02/02/2026 21:23

NewHere83 · 02/02/2026 19:48

I didn't say being sahm was harder than doing both together - I said it was harder than doing my job. Ie, the hours I spend doing my job are easier than the hours I spend being sahm. My view is therefore that the job wife is doing during the hours husband is at work is at least as hard as the job he's doing during that time. Do responsibilities outside of that time should be split.

Baby was v good sleeper (breastfed cosleeper) and job is challenging one that not many could do.

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If you are only talking about 'working hours' in an average job vs SAHM to one baby who is a good sleeper, with everything else being shared 50/50 with the working party, I would say that the SAHM has a far easier job compared to most jobs. The demands of only one child are far less than my job and many other types of jobs. I think most people would agree.
Multiple pre schoolers without any family support is certainly hard work.

Millymolly99 · 02/02/2026 21:11

IngratesGrate · 31/01/2026 13:53

I don’t at all agree that it’s 50/50 when you are not at work.
SAHM means house are kids are her job predominantly and the family livelihood is yours.

You can’t be expected to do nights when you have to get up and keep your job to keep the family.

Furthermore, this is her vocation and her dream so she should step up.

You should expect your weekends to be predominantly family orientated of course. But I would expect g you to only occasionally do nights.

Your wife will, after all, get a lot of free time once all kids are at school, but you will not till your retire. It’s reasonable therefore, for her workload to be too loaded in these early years, especially as she feels this is her dream.

Absolutely this

croydon15 · 02/02/2026 20:57

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:37

@bitterexwifeso far I’ve done my fair share with the 2 children that we’ve had. In the newborn days I didn’t wake up because my wife told me there’s no need, she breastfed. Then when we had early wakings, with both children, I’d wake up at say 6am or 5am or whatever time the baby was “up for the day” and let her sleep till 7-7:30 when I’d have to start getting ready for work. In the later stages I’d also sometimes take our eldest back to bed if she woke up in the middle of the night, settle her, cuddle her back to sleep.
My proposal is that next time I am not prepared to do this. I don’t want to wake up again at 5am or 6am. I don’t want my load to increase again.
At the moment I’d say I’m doing my fair share. I just don’t want or need more work.

This - l think it's fair, she wants more children then she can deal with the early mornings and broken night sleep as you are working to provide for them.
Can you afford more children, most couples can only afford 2 or 3 maximum

Minortour · 02/02/2026 20:33

MyEdgyOliveTraybake · 02/02/2026 02:18

Completely. I have four kids, 2 of whom are severely autistic. My wife and I both work and spend 100% (not 50%) of our non working time dealing with the kids and the house.

i often wonder what parents who have simpler circumstances complain about.

I am a father but I’m confident I have more of mental load and do more for my kids than most mothers who bleat about being hard done to and who moan about their lazy husbands. That said, I am also confident my wife does more than I do.

all of my comments were done without a need for a strike through/tm/etc. or mockery.

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You think you do more than most mothers? Or you think you do more than most bleating mothers?

Or you think you do more than the lazy husbands?

NewHere83 · 02/02/2026 19:48

rainingsnoring · 01/02/2026 11:14

Then your job was a particularly easy one relative to the generous salary or perhaps your baby was an exceptionally poor sleeper.
I have 4 DC and it would have been much easier to be a SAHM than combine work and family life. I always did the night wakings when on mat leave as I was breast feeding and DH was at work. Once I returned to work, we shared them. It's definitely easier to be sleep deprived when you don't need to focus and make multiple decisions with potential repercussions in a professional role.

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I didn't say being sahm was harder than doing both together - I said it was harder than doing my job. Ie, the hours I spend doing my job are easier than the hours I spend being sahm. My view is therefore that the job wife is doing during the hours husband is at work is at least as hard as the job he's doing during that time. Do responsibilities outside of that time should be split.

Baby was v good sleeper (breastfed cosleeper) and job is challenging one that not many could do.

MyEdgyOliveTraybake · 02/02/2026 11:03

MorningActivity · 02/02/2026 09:54

Slow clap 👏👏

The game of ‘I have it worse than you’ is frankly annoying.
Because you might think you have it harder (even though notice that you, yourself, acknowledge your dwife has it worse… so not dissimilar to the OP right?), but I can tell you there are many situations that will be different but just as hard if not harder.

The problem isn’t who has it worse.
The problem here is fairness.
Fairness towards both parents - is it ok for a parent to just step out of their responsibility as a parent. If responsibility isn’t stated for let’s say getting up at night, will it really be confined to night waking or will it spread to day time stuff too
Fairness towards the children (the ones they have and the potential ones)
Fairness and respect towards each other - respect for the person, the work they both put in for the FAMILY rather than a selfish attitude ‘because love’

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Slow clap. Ooft! Thats me put back in my box.

I find it “frankly annoying” when people don’t have manners, start sentences with “because”, fail to use question marks, etc.

I found the rest of what you said hard to follow.

MorningActivity · 02/02/2026 09:54

MyEdgyOliveTraybake · 02/02/2026 02:18

Completely. I have four kids, 2 of whom are severely autistic. My wife and I both work and spend 100% (not 50%) of our non working time dealing with the kids and the house.

i often wonder what parents who have simpler circumstances complain about.

I am a father but I’m confident I have more of mental load and do more for my kids than most mothers who bleat about being hard done to and who moan about their lazy husbands. That said, I am also confident my wife does more than I do.

all of my comments were done without a need for a strike through/tm/etc. or mockery.

Show quote history

Slow clap 👏👏

The game of ‘I have it worse than you’ is frankly annoying.
Because you might think you have it harder (even though notice that you, yourself, acknowledge your dwife has it worse… so not dissimilar to the OP right?), but I can tell you there are many situations that will be different but just as hard if not harder.

The problem isn’t who has it worse.
The problem here is fairness.
Fairness towards both parents - is it ok for a parent to just step out of their responsibility as a parent. If responsibility isn’t stated for let’s say getting up at night, will it really be confined to night waking or will it spread to day time stuff too
Fairness towards the children (the ones they have and the potential ones)
Fairness and respect towards each other - respect for the person, the work they both put in for the FAMILY rather than a selfish attitude ‘because love’

SandyY2K · 02/02/2026 02:59

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:26

@RosieCottonDancingsorry perhaps I explained this quite terribly. It’s not that I would do 50/50 with Child 1 and Child 2, then nothing with Child 3 and Child 4, I would just do overall (let’s say, although it’s very theoretical and can’t be measured exactly) 30% of “work” of having children with all the 3-4 of the kids rather than more with the eldest and less with the youngest.
in practice, perhaps that looks like I don’t wake up in the night unless it’s an emergency / my wife really needs it but in an ordinary night my wife handles the night waking up. Or I have some weekends where I’m at the pub on Saturday afternoon, away from the chaos that 3-4 children bring.

The number of children should be something both parents really want.
You should never have agreed to this, knowing she wanted at least 2 more kids than you do

I may be in the minority here, but I would say, yes, if she's the one who wants more kids she should do more of the child related stuff.

Having said that, she will only end up being resentful that you don't do more and the marriage won't be a happy one.

Perhaps you need to revisit the number of kids... just because you agreed to this before, doesn't mean it's set in stone.

The reality of having the kids and the amount of work is different.

If you continue growing the family, you will be resentful about the kid related work and the fact that your life as a couple takes a backseat with each child.

I'm speaking from the perspective of a Therapist who sees individuals and couples with these issues... and it doesn't go well. One or both are miserable and feel trapped in the marriage.

MyEdgyOliveTraybake · 02/02/2026 02:18

Minortour · 31/01/2026 18:45

She can work full time and help 50/50 with the two kids you already have when she comes home from work.

You realise that's what the majority of women families do day in day out, right? Work full time and then come home and take care of their families?? To suggest it's somehow a burden is absurd. "Wah I'm sooooo tired, doing a Full-Time™️ job just like I almost certainly used to before I had children, I can't possibly do a single thing else, it's inhumane I tell you!"

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Completely. I have four kids, 2 of whom are severely autistic. My wife and I both work and spend 100% (not 50%) of our non working time dealing with the kids and the house.

i often wonder what parents who have simpler circumstances complain about.

I am a father but I’m confident I have more of mental load and do more for my kids than most mothers who bleat about being hard done to and who moan about their lazy husbands. That said, I am also confident my wife does more than I do.

all of my comments were done without a need for a strike through/tm/etc. or mockery.

Userxyd · 01/02/2026 18:51

You have a combined responsibility to provide for your kids financially and emotionally and with washing/cooking/hometime etc. If you do more of the job work and she does more of the family/house work the. That’s fair. Main thing is that you both have the same amount of downtime - sofa/chilling time in the house, plus me-time however you prefer it so alone time/going out time etc.

Crochetandtea · 01/02/2026 18:29

Do not have more children you’re not willing to parent. You need to explain how you feel to your wife. If you go ahead resentment will build and it could destroy your marriage.

daysfilledwithdappledlight · 01/02/2026 16:16

I understand that you’re desperately trying to find a compromise to what she wants, but it’s not fair on either of you.
You should only bring more children into your family if you both want them and are prepared to put the work in. You’ve been honest about where you stand and it’s for her to decide if she can live with that.
Having more children while not wanting the added responsibility for life will not end up in a happy family / marriage / sustainable life together.

poetryandwine · 01/02/2026 16:05

BowstotheSettingSun · 01/02/2026 16:00

What of the childcare and housekeeping she provides for her husband to allow him to work full time? Does that have no financial worth?

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Of course they have worth. But that wasn’t how the comment I responded to was worded. We don’t know how the household chores are divided or what support there is. And as we understand it, the financial burden of further DC would be OP’s alone

BowstotheSettingSun · 01/02/2026 16:00

poetryandwine · 01/02/2026 15:58

Her only financial contribution seems to be to the mortgage and her personal expenses

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What of the childcare and housekeeping she provides for her husband to allow him to work full time? Does that have no financial worth?

poetryandwine · 01/02/2026 15:58

JHound · 01/02/2026 14:22

She is contributing financially.

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Her only financial contribution seems to be to the mortgage and her personal expenses

StMarie4me · 01/02/2026 15:47

Do not have any more children. They will know that you didn’t want them, it will drive a wedge between you and your wife, and your marriage will be over. If she can’t accept stopping at 2, and the marriage is over, at least there are not more children in the mix.

T00thl3ss · 01/02/2026 15:43

Morepositivemum · 01/02/2026 15:32

Just because someone loves their kids and wants to be a sahm doesn’t mean she should be happy to do everything 24/7. Why doesn’t she deserve time to herself if you do?

I’m sure he’d love to not be the only one commuting and working so probably best to share it all.

Morepositivemum · 01/02/2026 15:32

Just because someone loves their kids and wants to be a sahm doesn’t mean she should be happy to do everything 24/7. Why doesn’t she deserve time to herself if you do?

BellissimoGecko · 01/02/2026 15:24

It sounds like you need a long discussion. I’d tell your wife that you’re done at 2 and won’t be having any more dc. She’d be pretty selfish if she then decided to leave you.

It also sounds as if some separate time would be really healthy at weekends. If your wife doesn’t want time to herself, that’s her choice. There’s nothing to stop you having gym time or football time or whatever. Her being passive aggressive about it is not healthy.

DannyDeever · 01/02/2026 15:09

ByWarmShark · 01/02/2026 14:55

This is ridiculous. Children are not a commodity. They are human beings in their own right. Not bargaining chips.

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Any arrangement they come to will have to be a bargain. "I want more children and you will need to step up" is also a bargain.

ByWarmShark · 01/02/2026 14:55

DannyDeever · 01/02/2026 12:16

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids

If you promised 3 kids at the start you have to stump up 3 kids. You don't get to put conditions on or move the goalposts after its too late for her to find a guy who wants 4 kids.

If you hadn't promised then yeah, she has to have extra kids on terms you both agree to, which is she gets the bulk of the "benefit" so she does the bulk of the work.

This is ridiculous. Children are not a commodity. They are human beings in their own right. Not bargaining chips.

ByWarmShark · 01/02/2026 14:51

IngratesGrate · 01/02/2026 10:34

It’s not though, is it? Every woman throughout history has been able to look after a baby ( except rare cases of those with substantial impairments), whereas only a minority of women could do a six figure job.

You may have found a baby boring and tiring. It may have been new and you needed to adjust and develop some basic skills and strategies. But it’s not difficult.

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Both are quite easy to do badly. Both are very hard to do well. I'm not quite on 6 figures but not far off (and perform better than quite a few people i work with who are) and being a good parent is far harder than being a good employee.

Aluna · 01/02/2026 14:44

JHound · 01/02/2026 14:42

Well we can’t say the same for her side as we can read the OP.

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Yes we can.

"I have always made it clear that I want 1 child, 2 is my absolute limit."

Megifer · 01/02/2026 14:44

JHound · 01/02/2026 14:37

And had he maintained that position all would have been well. That would have been “pretty clear”.

He did not. Realising he may lose her he instead decided to pull a bait and switch by agreeing to lots of children. So no, he has not been “pretty clear” at all.

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And if she'd have taken that on board at the start, instead of thinking "she'll get her own way", then she could have made her choices.

You cannot think its a good idea to being 2 children into a relationship where they arent wanted by both parents surely, just to keep a promise that never even really existed?

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