AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

There is always a chance that a child could be born with additional needs and present more of a parenting demand than your existing two - if you are struggling to cope now, how would that effect the dynamic?

i always said I wanted 3-4 kids. My husband said he really wanted 2 but we could come back to it for a discussion once we saw how it would be. Turns out it took us years to have our daughter and then our son and I was left with some life changing issues from childbirth. By the time we went through all that, I was grateful for the two children we both definitely wanted and content with what we were lucky enough to have.

all this to say that these conversations aren’t set in stone and you should both have the ability to reassess. Like you say, the reality of parenting isn’t always what you imagine and it sounds like you both find it pretty difficult. It’s pretty concerning that she can never loosen up about it and hates being away from her kids to that extent as well so I’d be worried about what it would look like as time goes on.

The problem is that once you agree to children, you have them and you have no choice but to step up. It can’t be transactional - particularly as you have no idea what it could be like with 3, 4, etc. You might have a child with additional needs, your wife might have PPD, any other sort of family difficulty could happen. So you have to both be in it and committed to the family you’re creating. It’s fair to say ‘this is me and this is what I can give’ and I’d hope she values you enough to respect that. But you can’t be a conditional parent and opt in and out using a maths equation.

(I’d honestly stop answering her hovering texts when you take the kids out. Just say all is fine and I’m going to focus on the kids now. That’s super controlling behaviour)

In your situation I would book a vasectomy. You are lucky enough to have that control over your reproductive system that your wife doesn't have.

If you aren't wearing protection EVERY time you are intimate then the chances are high that she will end up pregnant and it will be your fault even though you didn't want more children.

I'm a woman and have two kids. I wouldn't have any more but my husband definitely would so opposite situation to you.

I think what’s potentially unreasonable is looking at it from the kids perspective - he’s out 8am - 6pm Mon - Fri. Doesn’t want to share childcare 50:50 outside of that - will the kids see that as: he’s home for an hour before they go to bed and he doesn’t want to spend time with them. Then on a Saturday he wants time off for the football and the pub. So maybe Sunday he spends some time with them - but on his childcare (less than 50%) terms.

I fully agree no more kids if they both don’t want them. And the wife (we only have his side) isn’t coming off well by threatening to leave if he doesn’t agree to more 😬😬😬. But the kids they do have are people who are caught in the middle of this and in time may feel unwanted by a dad who is opting out.

t feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted

I think, you're shirking your responsibility for your own choices a bit. You knew what she wanted and you made a free choice to go with it. You have to make that choice again now, you cannot make a choice to have more kids but not take on responsibility for them, they will be your responsibility just as much as they are hers. If you don't want that (which is perfectly reasonable) then you don't have more kids, and if that means she leaves, then that's up to her.
Own your decisions, take responsibility for them and don't bring children into this world that you don't want to care for.

What evidence do you have for suggesting that OP ‘checks out’ when he is with his DC and that’s why his DE checks up on him? He has said she checks up on her own mother (when she does child care) the same way.

I see no basis for saying OP does not parent the children he’s got. He is the one who gets up with them early in the morning. He does 50-50 care evenings and weekends. The family’s arrangement wherein he is away from home earning money from 8.00-18.00 five days a week while DW is a SAHM seems largely to be her choice. It doesn’t mean he isn’t parenting.

Classic case of shutting the stable door after the horse has bolted. The horse bolted when she decided she wanted 3 or 4 children, you decided you really only wanted one and, presumably you both thought you could change the other's mind. That's not how life works. Children deserve to be wanted and loved. Don't have any more children.

BTW your last post about her checking on how you or her mother cares for the children when she's not there sounds like control-freakery aka being a pain in the arse.

@dadtosomekids But then she expects me to rarely take time off at weekends too. If I say I am going to watch some football (again, rarely, because I don’t like her reaction) she’ll remind me that I’m a dad, ask what time I’ll be home, act like she’s heroically managed the kids alone all day when I do come home…

this is controlling behaviour. It’s unacceptable

insisting on establishing a system will help you set the boundaries. Tell her that you agreed to 1 kid, absolute max of 2 and your position hasn’t changed and won’t. Get that info out of the way asap, the next step is to reiterate what you’ve said and maintain the boundaries. Eventually she will give up.

how old are you both?

I also absolutely hated her manipulation with the “the worst thing you could do is send an email by mistake, I could burn the kids” thing.

id have lost my mind at that. Ok I’m sensitive because I DID accidentally burn my child, so I know the horror of this. Shes not a very nice person at all.

you need to be firm here. Seriously. Call out this manipulative bullshit.

The op said he would like this but the wife doesn’t want it

@Megifer

well, go for a swim and sauna, or for her nails doing or whatever. Op has offered her time out, it’s on her if she refuses it. But it’s doesn’t mean he can’t have his break.

working full time all week is exhausting but so is being a SAHM to a one year old. Could you both give each other time off over the weekend? My husband used to look after the kids when they were young on a Saturday afternoon while I wandered around town, and I'd look after them Sunday afternoon while he did his thing. Worked well for us. You are definitely entitled to not want more children.

How am I splitting hairs? I pointed out if hes going to be off at the pub (or whatever time he gets), he needs to make sure she gets a bit of time to herself too, however that looks.

The rest of it, yea, his wife sounds like a knob tbh.

Your children are still extremely young and a third child could be unthinkable at the moment . And two young children at this age are totally draining for everyone with almost no personal free time to sleep or do something else .However it does get easier and more enjoyable especially when they can speak and say what they need . Also school was a great step forward for us and I made a lot of friends who are still the centre of my life 20 years later . It is possible that when they are 4 and 7 and at school a third child could be reassessed . But it would be insane to be planning at the moment when you are both struggling .
Also it seems rather manipulative to suggest you could spill boiling water on someone because you were overtired and to equate that with holding down a responsible job .
I was a SAHM for our third child and really tried to protect my husband . We would have had such a rude awakening without his salary and support . And actually our third child was a total joy and his brothers were old enough to really love him . Nothing was as hard though as the earlier stage of having two young children together and I still can look back with relief that it is over .

If she’s the one pushing for more children, then she needs to discuss with you who should be doing what.

You shouldn’t ever be just a sperm donor for her wants - you need to both want and care for your children. 🤷‍♀️

So it's been baked in frim the start that you want different things from life, yet you made a life together. I'm quite shocked tbh.

As to where you go now Im honestly not sure. As the old joke goes, I wouldn't start from here. Perhaps some joint counselling so you can see into wach others ' hearts a bit, rather than just joking about it.

Doubt this.

she’d have to go to work for one thing.

you need therapy to help get you both through this.

having kids needs to be a 100% agreement from you both, or it’s a no. You have agency in this decision. She has no right to pressure you anymore than a man should force a woman to have children she doesn’t want.

are you using contraception? You need to be or she might fall pregnant accidentally on purpose

Absolutely this
@dadtosomekids
Do not have any more children, absolutely not

Please think about the children you do have
They need a loving involved father
I cant believe you think you might get up occasionally !
WTAF, you are responsible for raising them and yet you barely care about them at all.

You have zero idea of what the responsibility of fathering is.

I've just seen your username
@dadtosomekids
Is this a joke, it has to be

The OP is not the wife.

I think you could reasonably say that you have had a rethink and that you are finding 2 kids lovely but really hard work and want to stop at 2. You could never 100% know exactly how you would feel until you become a parent.I always think that if you have 2 healthy children you are very lucky indeed but then adding a 3rd or 4th child is taking a risk that you will may not have more healthy children.

I don't get the why of this either. I grew up watching my dad come home from work and do the square root of fuck all. Threw his weight around instead of pulling it. My mum barely sat down from the minute she got up til the minute she went to bed, running around not just after kids, house and pets but after him because he wasn't doing anything. It was a miserable, miserable life, objectively. There was no reason in the world she worked all those hours and he had a clearly defined start and finish time every single day where he could switch off from everything.

You're splitting hairs. OP wants her to have equal downtime, presumably to do what she wants with.

OP, the most important thing is that you make it crystal clear you are NOT having any more children.
Two is work, but lord 4 is relentless, absolutely relentless, even with great children.

It is so busy if they do sports, activities, friends, parties, all the things you want them to have.

It really is ok to say I am done.
Because it will destroy your marriage to have more when you really felt you had enough with 2.

I have known women with 3,4, and even 5 children, professional women with excellent big careers that insisted on having large families because they could easily afford them, but to be also very frank that they hated school holidays/weekends, with a passion.
Like WTH?
They have husbands in the background, but undoubtedly carry the mental load.
Nobody forced them to have 5 children and look absolutely miserable with them, and complain about them.
Really bizarre to be honest.

Two children is more than enough for a lot of people.
Actually, increasingly I am hearing of "one and done" from my nieces late 30's, because they have big busy professional careers, and they feel one is manageable in its impact.
Extremely reasonable IMO.

Don't have them and regret them.
Two many men do, and are shit parents as a result.

Certainly; I can explain my thinking. At no point did I say or imply that a man working makes a woman flakey. The OP has not said money is the issue, but that seems to be the point you return to, rather than addressing the crux of the matter, which is that OP finds parenting harder than he thought, he doesn't enjoy it and he doesn't want more kids.

• You made what came across as a snide remark about financial responsibilities being 100% on the OP, when they're not.
• You then claimed, "The OP explained she spends her money on coffee and clothes. She isn’t earning family money. That’s on the OP to do."

So when I said "your language makes her appear flakey...", I meant that, in your posts, by only acknowledging what this woman spends on day-to-day luxuries like coffee, and failing to mention the not insignificant cost of contributing to 50% of the mortgage, it reduces the impact of both her financial and home contributions. By constantly referencing the OP's financial contribution (yet not his parenting) but failing to give credit for his wife's financial contribution (not to mention her doing the lion's share of parenting), your posts give me the impression that you see her as someone who is somehow taking the piss. It makes me think you want to make her small.

There's nothing 'incel' or 'mysognyistic' about me disagreeing with you, or about me thinking father's like the OP should step up and take a more active parenting role with their children.

Actually I think that is a fair enough point. And if you lose your job because you are consistently too tired to do it corrrectly/ make mistakes through tiredness you presumably will have no money, a non working wife and 4 kids. She is a SAHM, she wants the kids, she should really face the facts of no more kids. She sounds like she wants her fantasy and wants to force you to go along with it. Its not fair on the kids to end up with 2 resentful parents, and it wont do your marriage any good anyway.

I was a SAHM… still am in a way but oldest is 40 now.
My husband never lifted a finger for the children, not a single nappy change! He is useless at practical stuff.
All 3 were solely BF until weaning.
Strictly speaking having offspring was his idea, he ‘promised’ he’d ‘help’ 😂. We have different ideas of what help is, I guess?
Yep I am in UK & wfh, mostly seamstress.
Just giving a different pov, I suppose.