AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Oh I missed that! That's a shame.

Well if it isn't a break then it must be a chore.

It's me time. When you're having something done that is purely for you, no-one else.

It's entirely fair! And is how it actually works in the real world for 90% of houses where one half is a stay at home parent and the other half is working full-time, I will bet.

Yes being a stay at home parent is difficult but with one child in nursery and another one aged 1 – they have plenty of naps and you can pretty much lie on the living room rug and nap with them for an hour or two a day if you like, but the deal is, you do the nights & the early mornings and so on. If you're a zombie the next day nobody is going to fire you.

The partner who has to sit upright in an office all day should not be expected to do 50% of the nights and early mornings. They can't nap during the day or just push a pram around the park like a zombie (I've done this, haven't we all?). They have to be alert and perform and WORK in a way that doesn't get them fired.

This is simple common sense and how 90% of families work. Unfortunately we've got the 10% (no doubt divorced by now because of their very unreasonableness) laying in on the poor OP.

Why do you think OP needs advice on contraception and how babies get made?

"If you aren't wearing protection EVERY time you are intimate then the chances are high that she will end up pregnant" indeed!

The problem with your proposal is that you'd be setting an awful example for your children.

They won't learn 'mum and dad made a compromise because she wanted more kids and he didn't'. They will learn that childcare is a woman's responsibility and men are 'allowed' more free time.

And what if she didn't stick to her side of the arrangement? Would you resent the children?

If you're not both fully onboard with more children I don't think you should have them.

Is it fuck. I have never, ever on my 45 years see anyone suggest that a man sitting in a barber chair is a break either. Absolute bullshit messaging.

But she’s chosen to look after them all the time. Even when she’s away from them she micromanages both OP and any babysitter

OP is talking about his going to the pub to meet friends. She doesn’t want to do the same but it’s ok that he does from time to time.

She sounds both spoilt and suffocating.

Finally not sure why you are mentioning NI. She can get that via child benefit claim even if OP earns too much and so they don’t receive the cash

Of course it is

I wonder if he would see sitting in a park watching two children as some kind of leisure time. Somehow I doubt many on here would see it as down time for any man. Different standards, as per.

You shouldn’t have any more children than you want. It is really really wrong for you to bring children into this world that you don’t want. And I seriously doubt that your marriage would survive it.

I have seen plenty of marriages fail after the 3rd child because 1 of the couple didn’t actually want the 3rd child in the first place and once they are here, that 3rd child is what pushes the marriage to breaking point.

I think this would be a good one to take to a marriage guidance counsellor because neither of you are right or wrong: you've got conflicting priorities.

Sorry op i was replying to another reply...I agree with you.

I think if you agreed to have children, then you do 50:50 with your wife. Did she know you weren’t that fussed about having them?
Unless you made it abundantly clear to her before having children that you didn’t want to share the load, and told her you expected to do more child care, then I don’t think you have a right to expect her to do more.
I say this thinking of a good friend of mine. She has three kids aged between 3-12. She does EVERYTHING for/with them. Her husband never wanted kids but he knew it was her dream so was honest with her from the start and said he’d have kids with her but the legwork was on her. She agreed. Apparently he never did a bottle or changed their nappies as babies, has never taken them to football or swimming. She says she is fine with this as she knew it was the deal all along.

Sorry i dont agree. If the mum is sahm and so keen on having more children she should be happy to do more of the childminding when husband home unless he has a relaxed job. I was a sahm for 4 years and you do get some periods of sitting in the sunshine with friends in the park or having coffee on playdates while your children play with friends' children. You sound like a great dad op, doing your share. I wanted a third child but the thought of making my husband do the extra stuff a new baby entails when he already did so much made me realise i was being selfish so we were happy with our two children.

And going to get your nails done isn't a 'break'.

Yeah 🤷🏻‍♀️ maybe it is. But my comment was in response to the - she only spends her money on coffees and clothes point. Hard to know what’s ‘fair’ I’d generally think it’s fair to live as a unit financially if you’re married with kids. That said it doesn’t sound like money is stretched here though…

Out of interest, how did you simultaneously 'go along with her' because you love her, and make it clear your absolute limit was two children? Did you 'go along with her' knowing you would roll back on it? You shouldn't have kids you don't want but that would be a dick move if that's what you've done. And not unheard of either.

The way that worked for us is that whoever was not working for money would get up at night. And weekends are always shared, assuming no paid work at weekends. Basically the person bringing home the bacon has protected nights on working days. But don't forget that kids are pretty self sufficient by about 7 so there's not quite the same early morning drama. You don't have to have more if you don't want them.

You know what, I just made a comment that op should make sure she gets time to herself too. He can "offer" but only he knows if its something the wife actually wants to do, perhaps she could do with more of a "get yourself a bath love ill sort the kids out", or i dunno, whatever he thinks.

Im frankly baffled people are arguing back against that comment but ill assume its because my post was only 99% in complete support of op.

^^This. You dont owe it to her to have more children but it's your job to act to prevent pregnancy and to be a proper engaged father to the ones you have, however many that may be.

Even if your wife agreed to your scheme there's no reasonable way of enforcing it. What happens if she gets PND or develops an illness that means she can't manage the children - are you just going to stand there saying "not my problem? What happens if you lose your job or cant work full time any more? You are supposed to be a team and life does not always work out the way you expect.

While I agree with your overall point, it really is very easy for guys to actually just make sure they ARE wearing protection every time.

Sigh.

"OP (the husband) wants her (his wife) to have equal downtime, presumably to do what she (his wife) wants."

Really good advice.

You say no to more children. You were honest from the start, so was she but she's thinking that she can talk you round/'accidentally' get pregnant, when she says that she will get her own way. And the guilt tripping that her job as a SAHM is more difficult and more dangerous than yours is to my mind manipulation. Not pouring boiling water over a child is a basic tenet of parenting, not something that deserves an award.

I'm not even sure she honestly sees you as a husband. It sounds more like she wants a sperm donor and somebody to share the parenting load 50/50 for the children she so desperately wants. Even though when you do care for the children she has to micromanage you without accepting that you are an equal parent. So she wants it equal when it suits her but not when it doesn't.

I know you say you love her and you love the children you have, but any more and the resentment you'll feel will eventually erode that love and then everyone, including the children, will suffer.

Say no and mean it. If she leaves you that's on her. It shows you where you are in her priorities, which is not very high by the sound of it.

If you don’t want more children, don’t have them. However for any hours you’re not at work it should be 50:50. If you have a child free afternoon one weekend, your wife is entitled to the same. Parents don’t get time off!