AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Re whether you should do 50/50, I don't think that's a helpful metric.

You should both do your fair share.

That means that at the end of a week/ month/ quarter or whatever timescale you use, you should both have roughly had the same amount of leisure time.

And I really think you should go for couples counselling. You want different things so one of you is going to have to change their mind or you split. If you go to counselling, the one who changes their mind if that's the way it goes, will be able to feel much more positive and happy about the change and if you split, you will have a much better split and your children will not suffer as much.

Please book the counsellor.

Going against the grain here but I think YANBU. If she wants more kids and her „dream“ is to have a big family with lots of kids then given the circumstances that you are working FT outside of the home where you get assessed and graded based on your work, I feel she should handle the home element and devote more time to theming children she so clearly wants.

If your DW wants a traditional set up then tell her to be the trad wife she longs to be. MN is full of women who want 50/50 everything but not everyone is after that and you are within your right to express your wishes. You need to speak to your DW and discuss this.

Get a vasectomy asap. I wouldn't put it past a woman like this to "accidentally" get pregnant, then before you know it the number 3 then 4 will be there, and there's no turning back. Plus she sounds completely boring and unambitious. She is thinking of her needs only, not yours.

OP isn’t bringing in all of the money though - he’s only paying half of the mortgage and DW provides her own money for her own expenses.

I agree, I have a 1yo and an older child and I am dead tired but I don’t think you need to be 100% awake to look after basic needs and keep them alive. My DH has a daily hour’s commute each way to work - for this reason I do all nights - the idea of him having a car accident because he’s tired is very scary. Whereas I can catch up on sleep during the day, buy a ready meal instead of cook, let go of cleaning until the weekend etc, and don’t have to answer to anyone except DH and he understands nights are hard and that things are sometimes a mess at home.

I have 4 kids and when the night feeds and temper tantrums stop, the mental load steps up. You can not underestimate how much hard work it is for a very long time. My eldest is at uni so mostly out of sight, out of mind but if he calls it's still sometimes for big issues.

Physically is a doddle but mentally it's not

OP, just something to think about, but I think this is how it would appear from your wife’s perspective:

I have two children with my husband. I’m a stay at home mum whilst he goes out to work. Although he contributes more than I do to general household expenses, we go halves on the mortgage and I use my own money for my own expenses so he doesn’t actually provide for us financially much more than I do.
DH always knew I wanted a big family before we married. He always said he wanted one, maybe 2 but still married me. We’re at 2 now and he’s on the fence about wanting a third.
I do all of the childcare during the day, but ask DH to help with bath time and bedtime once he’s home half of the time which he grumbles about because he says he’s tired after work (despite me working all day too). I’ve always done all of the night feeds when they were babies.
At the weekends I like to plan days out for us all as we don’t get to spend much time as a family, but DH often wants to go to the pub or just watch football without me or the DC which I think is unfair.
DH rarely has the kids by himself and moans when I check that things are running smoothly when he does. I do this as he tends not to know how things are done/where things are as he spends little time with them during the week.

She'll be unhappy and leave him without more children, as she should . She said she wanted 3/4, he said OK and can't back out now depriving her of her life dream.

Parents are allowed to go out without their children sometimes. An afternoon watching football at the pub every so often isn’t unreasonable.

And an hour at night is how life is when children are small and go to bed early.

I don't agree with many of the posters and am sure I'll be flamed but if you are working out of the house I don't think you should do 50% of the childcare , housework etc when you get home . I also think you shouldn't have to have more children if you really don't want to . I've had four children ,my choice , and did 80 % / 90% of t he childcare , I thought that was fair .

I am of an older generation so maybe that influences my view.

I'm just going to h ide behind the sofa ! !

She appears to not want a day to herself though? Obviously we only have one side of the story here, but this woman appears to have no friends, hobbies or interests outside the children.

I can relate to that part of the OP as my DH's only hobby (long distance cycling).wasn't very baby compatible, so he stopped, and did nothing, so I felt bad for wanting time off. We had it sorted by the time she was school age though and used to tag team at the weekend.

Honestly I think she’s being unreasonable. You are working full time and she’s expecting you to look after the children the same amount as she does when she is a SAHM. Yes I know financially she is independent through inheritance but you still have the right to say you don’t want anymore children. Her desire to have more doesn’t trump your desire to keep the stays quo.

it feels like she’s more forceful personality wise and you are going to get railroaded into it regardless. All I can suggest is you put forward the compromise of dropping down to part time and her contributing more financially. Then your time is freed up to dedicate to child care and she has the funds to make the appropriate financial adjustments. Everyone’s happy (except we all know she won’t be).

Yes! This. I guess it’s how it was then. But when we were small (3 under 5) mum was a SAHM (when the three of us were older and in school she went back to work) and Dad worked. He’d come back filthy and tired but desperate to see us - take us off down the garden to play & work on the veg patch, while mum cracked on with cooking tea etc.

That really informs understanding for kids. Here it’s a squabble here between the couple about whether they should both do 50% when they’re both there… but I remember that my Dad loved being a Dad (I’m sure we were hard bloody work, there were times of tired parents and frustration) and guess the kids here will pick up on how the Dad feels about parenting them and who’s responsibility that is…

I've only read the OPs posts but from them I'd say you are incompatible. Two kids is hard work enough let alone 3 or 4 when your wife expects you to spend as much time with them as she wants to at weekends.

100% agree. SAHP can nap during the day when the baby naps as assume 4yo is in nursery school or primary.

I remember when mine were babies. I’d get an early night. DH would do the last feed before he went to bed and then I’d get up in the night for any night feeds.

... Why did you create a family with someone who openly wanted 3 or 4 kids and you didnt?

I’m a SAHM and the agreement to me leaving work was in the week I’d be the majority carer for our children. Weekends we’d both get a lie-in each. I don’t have any real advice because she’s been very clear on her expectations and how her future looks. You’ve just gone along with it and now it’s become a sticking point. You can’t have more children you don’t want and in truth it’s unfair to expect her to be doing the majority because you find it hard to get through a few hours. It’s unfair to expect her to not have a day to herself occasionally because you’ve now decided to be truthful

The answer to this is that you shouldn’t have any more children. You SO clearly don’t want more (which is completely fine!). Please don’t have more children with her. It’s not fair for children to be brought into the world without being wanted by two parents.

It’s absolutely not ok to have children and then tell your wife that she has to do all of the work.

Maybe it "gets easier" for some people. I've got a demanding 13 year old and a demanding job. I'd probably have cracked up by now with 1-3 more of her!

I can't believe how divisive this post is.

I truly believe the OP who is working full time should not be expected to be doing nights, that's the SAHP's job. Especially if she's got childcare for 1 of the 2, and no money worries, and she's the one who wants more children.

LOL. If the person with care is always tired, s/he could accidentally kill the baby. That's a bit more serious than losing your job.

I say that to my DP monthly 😂

Tbf though, hair cuts are essential and difficult to do at home. Gel nails not so much.

It is even more important to keep your job when you have 5 or 6 people to support.

Arguably, it would make sense for the wife to take on more childcare responsibility here so the DH can advance his career, make enough wonga to keep 5 or 6 and pay for some weekend childcare so they can occasionally do things as a couple.

If you're going to do single earner/SAHM, might as well play to your strengths.

Haven't RTFT yet just the first post but my immediate thought was: if you didn't want 3-4 children and she told you upfront that she did and you agreed to it instead of saying no, I want to stop at 2, then yab unfair to not have been straight up about that to begin with. This is the sort of thing you need to sort out before you have kids.

Having said that, you have to start from where you are. Which is that you are a father and parenting is fucking exhausting but it suddenly gets much easier much sooner than you were expecting. Life is long and you get out what you put in.

Will now RTFT.

because one person is bringing in the money to keep the family going. Of course that person should be less tired. They could lose their job. Which is the only job the family has.

I spent years as a SAHM. I could do that tired. I could not do my job tired.