AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

I did a deal a bit like this with DH. He wanted to stop at 2 and despite trying to feel differently for years I desperately wanted no 3. We went ahead with no 3 but I took a step back with career (resigned and went self-employed after a long mat leave), work shorter hours than him and generally do more at home / with the children. I think it's a fair deal and I am very happy. I really love and appreciate DH for agreeing because it really wasn't what he wanted.

But other times we can get what we want, and this woman is presumably pretty wealthy, and really wants more DC. So it's conceivable that she might leave OP, to have more kids with someone else, or through IVF. OP will then be parenting his two children on his own some of the time, though presumably he'd have no interest in 50/50.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it

So you lied to her and let her think you were up for a big family and you unilaterally changed your mind? Kind of sneaky don't you think?

Sorry if repeating but she's being a bit drama queen with the whole 'I might break a child vs you sending an incorrect email' . She's saying her job is more important whereas actually yours keeps the family functioning and safe.

I was a SAHM for only 1 admittedly but felt it my responsibility to do house/cook/child care/admin etc. My partner went out to play football then pub religiously every Wednesday. He needed that for his mental health. He was happy for me to go out.

She's a micro-manager. I'd be 'not seeing' some of those texts when you've got them. She's being patronising (unless of course the untold story is that you're incompetent. 😏

Life dream? Boohoo. We can't always get what we want. She should be grateful for what she has.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids... It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does.

This is the problem. You knew from the start that she wanted a big family and went into a long-term relationship hoping she'd change her mind. Did she know you only wanted 1 child before you both committed to a long-term relationship? If so, when you chose to have children together you both signed up for a compromise. If not, then you signed up for a big family when you chose to have children with her.

Right now though, you need to be honest that you don't want more children. It's up to her what she does with that information. In the meantime, you don't get to opt out of 50:50 parenting just because you're bored. Parents don't get standard working hours. You're a parent every hour of every day for the rest of your life. Parenting small children is relentless and if you're not really into it, pretty joyless. The good news is that they get older and less needy and that gives you more time to have "off" time. Having time to yourself, e.g. an evening to do a hobby, one weekend day a month, is normal for both parents so you both get decompression time. It's completely reasonable to ask for that as long as you give her the same.

No he’s saying that if she wants more children then she needs to do more than 50% as he’s at his limit.

The actual answer is no more children but his wife would rather leave him and break up their family than stop at 2. Extraordinary behaviour.

Aside from the inaccuracy around bills, there is some merit in sharing this perspective, no matter what one thinks of it.

However your statement about why the wife checks up when OP does child care is purely speculative. We have no idea what goes on. OP has said she also checks up on her own mother.

I have one piece of advice. Do not have sex with your wife again unless you are wearing a condom. Seriously.

I think you need to have a frank discussion with her and say you don’t want anymore kids that’s it
if she chooses to leave you then that is up to her
and book a vasectomy asap!!!!!!

my brother had this with his ex partner he left her in the end but is still a good Dad but her demands are were just too much!

You can call them 'child related tasks' all you like, but what you mean is parenting, and your wife is already doing significantly more of the parenting than you, as a SAHP.

You refusing to parent overnight/early mornings with a 3rd child won't work, because with a baby and two older ones, there will often be 2 DC needing different things at the same time.

And ultimately, you don't need to have more children if you don't want them. If so, have a vasectomy, because it wouldn't be fair to expect her to take responsibility for contraception when she wants more children.

Given that she's told you from the start that she wants a large family, your wife can't be blamed for being upset at you making this decision, however. Given she is so wealthy that she doesn't need to work outside the home whilst paying 50% of house expenses, she has a lot of options, so although divorce sounds drastic in this scenario, I suppose it can't be ruled out.

I wonder if there's a middle ground of hiring a night nanny for first year with new baby?

I completely agree. It just sounds as though the reality is he’s saying, during that short time he shouldn’t have to parent because his wife likes being a mum more than he likes being a dad and he's been at work. Is that fair on his wife, is one thing. Is it fair on his kids is another…

@Needlenardlenoo

how sad your husband felt that he had to do nothing!
did he gain weight?

Don't have more kids than you want. It's as simple as that.

It's not like a kid who gets a hamster on the promise they will be the one who cleans it out. There are some compromises that are never going to work. You have always been clear 2 was your limit. She chose to be with you knowing you didn't date her dream and her dream was dependent on you agreeing. And you never have.

A vasectomy would be a good idea.

I also think, at risk of being a pessimist, don't have more children than you can cope with solo. Say you have 4 kids and she's hit by a bus, or just really ill and incapacitated for a long time. It's partly the want to do it makes people pull through the hard times and you don't even want to do it in good times.

Only half the mortgage? Is the family eating air and going naked? Having no holidays? Using no transport? We know the older DC is in nursery, paid for by him, even though her mother stays home.

OP says his DW pays half the mortgage and her personal expenses. He pays everything else. At least get your facts right.

On average children do better in households with both their parents.

Why does the wife get what she wants at the expense of her existing children?

@usedtobeaylis

well, whatever constitutes a break for OP’s wife! It doesn’t matter! The point is that OP has tried to facilitate that, she has declined. That’s on her. But it doesn’t mean that OP shouldn’t have a break

This. If the children go to nursery that means she gets some free time on her own. It’s therefore only fair that you also get some free time on your own.

Parents getting divorced is not the end of the world. He's not that bothered about the children and can see them every other w end. A step dad might be more involved.

But he isn’t opting out, yet.

He just doesn’t want to sign up for more.

Wanting to go to football or out with mates or otherwise do something for himself more than once every few months also isn’t negligent. Ordinarily I agree partners should have equal amounts of personal time. But when one partner won’t be parted from the DC it isn’t fair to insist that the other not be.

The thing is it sounds as though your wife will agree if you said she needed to take on more of the load....its easy to say yes I will do more but when another 1 or 2 children are here that would be forgotten or dismissed and you will be expected to do your share.
It isnt really an argument you don't want more children so don't have them and then opt out of parenting

But I’d say the same. She sounds suffocating

On weekends - the DH is allowed some time to himself sometimes.
On chasing him up when he looks after the kids - let him be their parent.

I don’t think you are being that unreasonable. It’s a no from you. The compromise is her doing more.

Book yourself in for a vasectomy then.

Your body, your decision.

Best to discuss it first rather than surprise her but then everyone has to accept the situation - that there won't be a 3rd or 4th child. She may be disappointed and sad. That's ok. She may need some therapy to grieve or just some time.

But don't keep dragging the conversation on. If you don't want more children with her or any other woman, book a vasectomy.

Bugger the two who already exist eh?

They get divorced parents so their mother can have two more babies with her new bloke.

Children that already exist are more important than hypothetical ones.