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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

608 replies

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:19

I know this is mostly a women’s space, but that’s kind of why I’m here: I’d really like some female perspectives. For context I’m a man, married to a woman I love. She’s genuinely a great mum and a wonderful person that I’m proud of being married to. We’ve got 2 kids, one is 4 and the other is 1.

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me. Parenting is hard, and I don’t find it fulfilling in the way she does, I mostly find it exhausting, although I love my children.

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it. I don’t regret my children, I love spending time with them (but struggle when it’s full days or long stretches of solo parenting) but I also can’t pretend this was ever my dream.

I’m usually out of the house from around 8am until about 6pm for work, 5 days per week. I very rarely get time that feels properly “off”, especially at weekends because we tend to spend the weekends as a family.

My wife is a SAHM, which was always what she wanted. Her day-to-day expenses (things like clothes, coffees, dentist, general spending) are covered by her or family money or inheritance, so money isn’t really a stressor for her in the long term. The house is paid for 50/50 by us. Everything else (bills, children’s clothes, nursery, meals out as a family, holidays) are covered by me.

The thing we keep clashing over is expectations around childcare. She wants everything to be very 50/50: nights, weekends, early mornings, all of it. She also still wants a third child, possibly a fourth, whereas I really don’t. And this is where I get stuck. From her side, it’s “this is my purpose in life, I want a big family”. I get that, and I respect it. But from my side, this already feels like more than I can comfortably handle. It feels like I’m being asked to sign up for something I never really wanted, and then expected to put in exactly the same level of energy and enthusiasm as someone who does. I guess, bluntly, my thinking is this: if having 3-4 kids is something she wants far more than I do, is it unreasonable to think she should be doing more of the work that comes with that choice? Because at the moment it feels like “I want more kids, let’s do this together, but you still have to carry half, or more, of the load”.

I love my wife, I love my kids, and I want to stay with her. I’m not trying to opt out of being a parent. Im
happy to occasionally wake up with the baby or to help get everyone ready in the morning for the day. I just don’t want to pretend that this is equally my dream when it isn’t. I can’t wake up every other morning at 6am because our toddler does, or spend large chunks of the day firefighting tantrums and overtired behaviour.

So am I being unfair here? Would it be unreasonable to say that if you want another 1-2 children be prepared for your load to go up disproportionately to mine?

Would really appreciate honest thoughts

OP posts:
SENmumof22026 · 31/01/2026 18:26

Yanbu at all. I would tell her feel free to leave the marriage and find someone else to have more kids with.

Cherrytree86 · 31/01/2026 18:26

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2026 17:38

Life dream? Boohoo. We can't always get what we want. She should be grateful for what she has.

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@Cheese55

she needs to get a new dream. Thems the breaks

IdaGlossop · 31/01/2026 18:24

JJWT · 31/01/2026 18:22

I'm a bit confused. How does a sahm contribute 50 50 to the cost of the house?!

Inheritance, as the OP makes clear.

Glitter0 · 31/01/2026 18:23

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:37

@bitterexwifeso far I’ve done my fair share with the 2 children that we’ve had. In the newborn days I didn’t wake up because my wife told me there’s no need, she breastfed. Then when we had early wakings, with both children, I’d wake up at say 6am or 5am or whatever time the baby was “up for the day” and let her sleep till 7-7:30 when I’d have to start getting ready for work. In the later stages I’d also sometimes take our eldest back to bed if she woke up in the middle of the night, settle her, cuddle her back to sleep.
My proposal is that next time I am not prepared to do this. I don’t want to wake up again at 5am or 6am. I don’t want my load to increase again.
At the moment I’d say I’m doing my fair share. I just don’t want or need more work.

You sound like you’ve done things fairly so far and I do agree that if she so badly wants more children and she knows you don’t then she has to make the decision as to whether she is willing to do more of the nights and early mornings.
In regards to having your own time, 100% plan to have a few hours off and she can do the same each weekend. You don’t have to spend the entire weekend doing family things. Likewise, you could get a babysitter for a few hours each weekend and go out and enjoy some time together during the day.

JJWT · 31/01/2026 18:22

I'm a bit confused. How does a sahm contribute 50 50 to the cost of the house?!

IngratesGrate · 31/01/2026 18:20

Minortour · 31/01/2026 18:09

It really isn't. If you've been led to believe this then I'm sorry for you.

If OPs wife was a nanny by profession and looked after a child during the day, would you say the same thing? It's the same job - but she's earning money!! That entitles someone to get out of parenting their own child doesn't it?

Or what if was doing an unpaid internship? Say, in medicine? She's not earning money then, right so should be treated like a servant and do all the nights and the grunt work.

Which is it?

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Jesus. Comparing being a mother to a paid employee shows just how profoundly you don’t understand the responsibilities of parenting.

The person you were responding to was bang on the money. Practical and reality based.

FallingSlower · 31/01/2026 18:19

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 31/01/2026 18:09

Bluntly, you are fucked. You don't want more kids but she'll leave you if you say no. So you are saying she can have more kids but you won't put the work in. She won't agree to that.

What she wants is for you to feel the same as her about having a big family. But you don't feel that way.

My friend wanted kids, her husband didn't, he already had 3. Their agreement was that she would do ALL the childcare. He would support financially but that was it. He has always been part of the family in that he does all the cooking, they go on holiday together, he engages with the kids quite normally. But no getting up in the night, school runs, homework, decisions on schools, parents evenings etc etc. The kids love him. She also had to go back to work because he couldn't afford to support all the children he ended up having without her working.

Then there’s nothing ‘normal’ in his engagement with the children, if he’s their parent, lives with them, and his only ‘parenting’ involves cooking and going on holiday.

semideponent · 31/01/2026 18:16

A different way of seeing this might be a discussion/negotiation around:

time for each of you to spend as you want individually
time for you as a couple without the children
time for you as the family that you are now

It sounds as though the money is important, but really thinking about the above three categories might be helpful first. Money can be such an incendiary topic. Figuring out what you want as individuals, a couple and a family unit first might help you gain some common ground for finding a way forwards, whatever that is.

NeverSeenThatColourBlue · 31/01/2026 18:10

You can't have a third child but abdicate responsibility for it. You don't want more children. Children deserve to be wanted, not begrudgingly fathered with conditions attached. It was a bit daft of both of you to get married knowing that your dreams were completely incompatible.

Somerdays · 31/01/2026 18:10

IngratesGrate · 31/01/2026 18:03

She is likely to find her market value in the dating market has declined somewhat, as a single mother with two young children, who does not want to work, but wants a man to work to pay all the bills and holidays, and who also wants to have two more kid with her new husband, and for him to do 50/50 care for four kids when he’s not at work.

Good luck finding a man like that.

She also does not sound like a woman who wants to do all the work for four kids solo, by having IVF.

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OP expressly says that money is no stressor for her due to inheritance.

I have a lot of kids and got married for a second time after the end of my first marriage. Second DH and I had another child, and fostered and then adopted a foster child - there are men out there who really enjoy parenting too. Smile

Megifer · 31/01/2026 18:10

ColinOfficeTrolley · 31/01/2026 17:41

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it

So you lied to her and let her think you were up for a big family and you unilaterally changed your mind? Kind of sneaky don't you think?

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Not at all sneaky. Op is absolutely entitled to change his mind. It doesnt sound like he intended to string his dw along.

Bulbsbulbsbulbs · 31/01/2026 18:09

Bluntly, you are fucked. You don't want more kids but she'll leave you if you say no. So you are saying she can have more kids but you won't put the work in. She won't agree to that.

What she wants is for you to feel the same as her about having a big family. But you don't feel that way.

My friend wanted kids, her husband didn't, he already had 3. Their agreement was that she would do ALL the childcare. He would support financially but that was it. He has always been part of the family in that he does all the cooking, they go on holiday together, he engages with the kids quite normally. But no getting up in the night, school runs, homework, decisions on schools, parents evenings etc etc. The kids love him. She also had to go back to work because he couldn't afford to support all the children he ended up having without her working.

Minortour · 31/01/2026 18:09

SteelyEyed · 31/01/2026 16:43

It's entirely fair! And is how it actually works in the real world for 90% of houses where one half is a stay at home parent and the other half is working full-time, I will bet.

Yes being a stay at home parent is difficult but with one child in nursery and another one aged 1 – they have plenty of naps and you can pretty much lie on the living room rug and nap with them for an hour or two a day if you like, but the deal is, you do the nights & the early mornings and so on. If you're a zombie the next day nobody is going to fire you.

The partner who has to sit upright in an office all day should not be expected to do 50% of the nights and early mornings. They can't nap during the day or just push a pram around the park like a zombie (I've done this, haven't we all?). They have to be alert and perform and WORK in a way that doesn't get them fired.

This is simple common sense and how 90% of families work. Unfortunately we've got the 10% (no doubt divorced by now because of their very unreasonableness) laying in on the poor OP.

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It really isn't. If you've been led to believe this then I'm sorry for you.

If OPs wife was a nanny by profession and looked after a child during the day, would you say the same thing? It's the same job - but she's earning money!! That entitles someone to get out of parenting their own child doesn't it?

Or what if was doing an unpaid internship? Say, in medicine? She's not earning money then, right so should be treated like a servant and do all the nights and the grunt work.

Which is it?

TheIceBear · 31/01/2026 18:07

Sometimes people don’t realise they don’t want 3-4 kids until after they realise how much work it is. I mean 2 kids is hard work. Op is entitled to not want anymore kids. The wife can leave if she wants . If someone already has 2 kids with their partner and would leave them because they want more they must not love their partner all that much in my opinion, especially one like the op who sounds reasonable and supportive

poetryandwine · 31/01/2026 18:06

Tammygirl12 · 31/01/2026 17:59

I don’t think the older kid at nursery is costing them - it’s universal funding for kids over 3. Not income assessed/ doesn’t need both parents to be working unlike the funding for younger children

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Thanks

MO0N · 31/01/2026 18:05

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:48

@UnbeatenMum
when we do discuss it the discussion goes like this basically:
I’ll say that I find it difficult to wake up at 5-6am especially when I have a full day of work ahead, she’ll say she does too and her job has bigger risks (she’s told me before that a “really bad mistake” in my job would be sending an email to the wrong client and leaking some confidential data, in her job it could be accidentally spilling hot water on a child whilst cooking if she’s tired and lacks concentration). Which brings me to my point… it’s such hard work for me that I’m not prepared to take on even more work, if it’s such hard work for you then we shouldn’t have another child, if you want another child despite it being such hard work… then you are prepared to take on more work whilst I am not. Which part outweighs the other? Do you want a child enough that you don’t mind the extra work?

I think you are in 'playing chess with a pidgeon' territory here, with your wife taking the role of the feathered party.

IngratesGrate · 31/01/2026 18:03

Somerdays · 31/01/2026 17:43

But other times we can get what we want, and this woman is presumably pretty wealthy, and really wants more DC. So it's conceivable that she might leave OP, to have more kids with someone else, or through IVF. OP will then be parenting his two children on his own some of the time, though presumably he'd have no interest in 50/50.

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She is likely to find her market value in the dating market has declined somewhat, as a single mother with two young children, who does not want to work, but wants a man to work to pay all the bills and holidays, and who also wants to have two more kid with her new husband, and for him to do 50/50 care for four kids when he’s not at work.

Good luck finding a man like that.

She also does not sound like a woman who wants to do all the work for four kids solo, by having IVF.

Tammygirl12 · 31/01/2026 18:02

ColinOfficeTrolley · 31/01/2026 17:41

From the very start she was clear she wanted a big family, 3-4 kids. I’ve always been more of a one-kid person. If I’m being totally honest, 2 already feels like a lot to me

That said, I love her and I wanted / want to be with her. I knew that lots of kids were basically part of the deal, so I went along with it

So you lied to her and let her think you were up for a big family and you unilaterally changed your mind? Kind of sneaky don't you think?

Show quote history

I will be so upset if this happened to me. It’s a betrayal to make someone think your life plans are aligned and they aren’t

Summerunlover · 31/01/2026 18:01

Sorry when does she get a break? While I agree you Shouldn’t have more kids.. they fact she is paying her way and having to parent the kids more than you isn’t on.

PardonMe3 · 31/01/2026 17:59

dadtosomekids · 31/01/2026 13:53

@Nevermind17i think this is also partly the issue. Before marriage I knew I wanted 1, it looked like hard work and people said it’s hard work, but this was also the woman I loved and she said she wanted kids, she wanted to do most of the child-related work… how hard could it be?!

Said exactly like a man who isn't spending time parenting his kids alone and doing the rest of stuff necessary to manage a home.

Tammygirl12 · 31/01/2026 17:59

poetryandwine · 31/01/2026 17:31

Only half the mortgage? Is the family eating air and going naked? Having no holidays? Using no transport? We know the older DC is in nursery, paid for by him, even though her mother stays home.

OP says his DW pays half the mortgage and her personal expenses. He pays everything else. At least get your facts right.

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I don’t think the older kid at nursery is costing them - it’s universal funding for kids over 3. Not income assessed/ doesn’t need both parents to be working unlike the funding for younger children

GoldenRosebee · 31/01/2026 17:55

@dadtosomekids what about live-in nanny? I think it's ok for you to do little bit less because your wife doesn't work, but I would say 4 kids would be a lot for 2 adults to handle and it would be too much for 1 person to handle. So don't have more children because I agree it will be lot of work.

Ohlovelyamansopinion · 31/01/2026 17:53

'More red flags than a parade in Beijing' as I read in a thread the other day.

Mate, you really do sound surplus to requirements in this relationship, and writing the words ' She is wonderful and I love her' doesn't really make it true.

Every thing you have written about her is dripping with resentment and loathing. You clearly are miles apart on what your future should look like.

Do you really just want to be a sperm donor in this relationship, with absolutely no agency or voice?.

It's absolutely vital that you do not have any more kids with your wife. No ' accidents' - you actually make her sound quite chilling when you you say she is confident that she will always get her way.

You have lots to think about. You already resent having two children, anymore would be a complete disaster.

IngratesGrate · 31/01/2026 17:51

ScreamingBeans · 31/01/2026 16:52

LOL. If the person with care is always tired, s/he could accidentally kill the baby. That's a bit more serious than losing your job.

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LOL. You are talking to someone who for months got about three hours sleep a day and that was in tiny chunks, not even a solid three hours in one go. And he screamed most of the time ( reflux baby).

I could still manage to look after my baby whereas I could not do my job that tired. Where are all these dead babies from tired mothers? There are bloody loads of tired mothers. You can still take basic precautions to keep your child safe.

Whereas plenty of people have jobs where there actually is a serious risk of them killing someone if tired, any type of driver, nurse, doctor, firefighter, welder, any operator of machinary, surgeon, I could go on. And of course driving to and from work.

Strawberry53 · 31/01/2026 17:50

You are not unreasonable to not want more children.

However this scenario you have painted where more children means more work for her because she wanted them, is nothing more than a fantasy. Even if she agreed to it, which I think is an unfair agreement by the way, the reality is not going to shake down like that, it’s just not.

You have to be all in with children, like all in! You can’t just become a part time Dad it’s just not realistic. Resentment will build you will end up falling out over it. You’re also not taking into account all the unknowns, what if she ends up with post natal depression, you’re going to have to step up even more, what if one of your children needs extra support in some capacity? When you commit to more children you commit to all the possibilities that come with that.

Your children will also sense your resentment, children are very perceptive as I’m sure you know and that’s just so unfair on them when they didn’t ask for this.

I think you need to say no to more children unless you can really look at it and decide you can do it with 100% effort.