AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Doesn't sound like you were ever truly compatible if you had never agreed on how many kids you wanted.

You need to have no more children. You do not want them. Your wife can then make her own decisions on what that means for her.

You 50/50 made them. You 50/50 parent them.

My point still stands. People are entitled at any point to say they don’t want more children . 2 is plenty. If she wants more let her leave

Where do you get this idea?

He is the one who gets up early with the DC, because his wife feels it is more important for her to sleep in.

When OP gets home and at weekends they are doing 50-50. He doesn’t want more children.

And also it’s not so easy to do - just dropping and picking up jobs short term

What are you living for?

DH and I had a similar dilemma. When we got married he wanted 4 children, I wanted three and we decided to play it by ear. He was by far the larger earner so once first DC arrived we agreed I'd be a SAHM. I did 90% of housework and childcare and he did bits and bobs at weekends.

About a year after having second DC I wanted to start trying for a third. At which point he told me he'd changed his mind - he wanted to stop at 2. He found the pressure of financially supporting 4 people too much. His earning capacity wouldn't stretch to supporting 5 people while still giving him the life style he wanted.

I acquiesced because I didn't have any logical reason for wanting another child whilst DH had a list of sensible reasons for not wanting one. Also I had been an unwanted child myself (as I was repeatedly told while I grew up )and I didn't want to do that to do that to another baby.

All that was nearly 30 years ago and we are still together but it changed our marriage and not for the better. I spent years mourning that 3rd child I didn't have. It destroyed our sex life - every time we had sex using protection during my fertile time I'd end up crying all the way through because I was heartbroken it wouldn't end in pregnancy . After years of this, sex fizzled out completely. I literally cannot remember the last time we had sex. We are cuddly and affectionate but that's as far as it goes.

We stayed married and I still love him and we are happy together now but if I'd known in advance that he was going to change his mind I wouldn't have married him.

edited for typos

Can you claim any time back from work - less commuting / working from home? Can you afford to work four days a week? There might be space for you to get some time off if you can make work fit better into 9-5 rather than 8-6.

Caring for children gets easier the more you do it / the better you know your kids. Kids also become more interesting as they hit 4- 5. It's not going to be all about nappies and potty training. (Yes, different challenges but ones that might suit you better).

I think couples +/- individual counselling is a good way to go.

I wonder if your wife is expecting pressure to find a job when the youngest reaches school age so wants to keep a younger child round for as long as possible? You could talk about being supportive of her finding a hobby / doing some sort of college/ uni course etc You can talk through finances - are you both happy with her being a SAHM while your kids are at primary school?

There's various advice about the optimal gap between pregnancies - a quick look suggests 2 - 5 years between pregnancies is optimal. So you may have time to see how you feel about having more kids once your existing children are older.

Adding more children needs to be a two 'yes' discussion.

You probably also want to talk about finances and how that affects the support you can offer each child. A third child may well mean needing bigger cars to fit three child seats in the back.

He didn't change his mind - he always felt like that. He went ahead and got married knowing he didn't want 3/4 and that his wife definitely did. She laid her cards on the table.

The time to be honest was before the wedding, but he wasn't.

It sounds like this would be much harder on the OP since he is the one who finds childcare draining!

100% agree with this. You have to be completely honest with your wife and tell her you don’t want any more children. She can then decide whether or not she values you and her current family more than the idea of a bigger family with someone else.

She can work full time and help 50/50 with the two kids you already have when she comes home from work.

You realise that's what the majority of women families do day in day out, right? Work full time and then come home and take care of their families?? To suggest it's somehow a burden is absurd. "Wah I'm sooooo tired, doing a Full-Time™️ job just like I almost certainly used to before I had children, I can't possibly do a single thing else, it's inhumane I tell you!"

Except she wants to be with the kids and micro-manages them if OP or her mum has them

Where is she going to go though? Do you really think she’s going to leave you and find someone else to marry just so she can have more children?
There is absolutely no way that you will be able to dictate to her how much you’re going to do with the kids if you have another. The simple fact is that you care about her and the children you have, and you won’t feel any different if it happens again. You would feel dreadful leaving everything to her.
You need to have a sit down chat with her, make your message clear- absolutely no more children. Then make sure you get the snip!!
edit to add- your job is your 8-5 or whatever it is, her job is SAHM. When you finish work you should be doing 50/50.

YANBU to stop at 2 kids. YABU to not expect to do 50/50 when you are at home.

Thank you! Very sexist 😆

Suggest to your wife you have a trial.

You take a break from work and stay at home with the kids. She can work full time and help 50/50 with the two kids you already have when she comes home from work.

It’d be interesting to see how that works.

A case of women wanting equality on their own terms?

Plus, as another pp said, this is the wife’s vocation and passion. And despite the tiredness and broken nights / early mornings, she wants more babies.

If OP likes a bit of peace, imagine the years of noise and feeling overcrowded ahead: the taking kids to and from activities ( that hasn’t even started yet) while looking after 2/3 other children, and will the house and car be big enough? Increasing the size of your family is a serious decision with years of repercussions and work and responsibility. Fine if it’s agreed and your vocation, but not if it isn’t

Or Mum can go to the pub .Or Dad have tea with his mates !

SAHM earn at least the cost of full- time childcare so to suggest they're not contributing financially is short-sighted. If the person 'bringing in the money' doesn't earn enough to pay for an overnight nanny and a servant then they should bloody well expect to pull their weight. The responsibility for the family you created doesn't stop at the office door.

And your ability to do your job well is really your own issue. What if you both worked? You'd have to share the nights - are you suggesting you'd be constantly at risk of being fired then?

If you don't want to be tired, don't have kids. It's part of looking after them.

But he NEVER wanted 3 or 4 kids by his own admission. He KNEW he didn't but because he wanted the woman, he lied and said he did, just so he could 'have' her.

He's said it himself in black and white if you read the OP. He tricked her into being with him at the end of the day.

Why is looking after a child different when you're earning money for it? Are you suggesting you'd do a better job for someone else's child?

It’s what loads of couples of do I think! Ensures you can both maintain your own interest, friendships etc - which is so vital when you become a parent

This is exactly what we did - it worked perfectly for us

Have you considered getting a vasectomy as you don't want more children?