AIBU to want my wife to do more of the child-related tasks as she wants a large family?

Because there's next to fuck all to do and you get to watch TV, drink coffee and meet family and friends all day whenever you want.

In what way is it piss easy?

It's still piss easy to be fair, let's face it.

I agree with the others, all children should be wanted children. If you feel so strongly then yes, have a a vasectomy. It would be very sad for a child to feel ‘unwanted’

She married him knowing his bottom line was 2 children, did you not spot that?

Non negotiables are coercive? Hmmm.

I don't think it's coercive to have a bottom line which is so important to you that you will be prepared to leave a partner if they transgress. Whether that's having 4 kids, following a religion, never wearing brown shoes... whatever it is, whether other people think it unreasonable or not, it doesn't really matter, as long as you are upfront and honest about it.

Threatening to leave your partner if they don't do xyz can be coercive. But having bottom lines isn't necessarily. I think it's really difficult to know unless there's a huge amount of other information given.

And of course, no one is entitled to have a relationship with someone else. It isn't coercive to leave however much it hurts someone else. I think we need to be quite careful about how we use that word. It's a really complex area of relationships IMO.

Maybe try reading the actual discussion before wading in and making a straw man argument. Of course wanting 'a break' from parenting is normal but we are not talking about that.

@rainingsnoring

stop being holier than thou - everyone knows that parenting can be great and it can also be really really hard, boring and frustrating. Wanting and needing a break from it is entirely natural and normal.

I also enjoying my job but it is objectively far harder than looking after one small child in office hours,

It is subjectively harder. To you. That's my point.

Also, this whole thing isn't about office hours. It's about one person doing their job 24/7 and the other one getting to check out.

You've imagined a lot of things. I can think work is a break and still enjoy my kids! I also didn't call myself a skivvy - I used that word yes but that's not the same.

I imagined you don't like being a parents because you said work is a 'break', presumably a break from being a parent. In saying that, and calling yourself a 'skivvy', it does give the strong impression that you don't enjoy parenting. I also enjoying my job but it is objectively far harder than looking after one small child in office hours, something which need everyone is capable of doing. That doesn't mean that everyone who has a job will feel the same. Equally, the other poster can't generalise that, just because she found one child hard, everyone else does too.

We're in a fairly similar position to you (however I work so slightly different). I want four children but my husband would stop at 2. We have a three year old and 4 month old at the moment. My husband was struggling with the step up to two children and we had a serious conversation about it. He said he felt like everything was a grind and he never had a minute of free time between work and the kids. Since then I've really tried to step up and take things off his plate (e.g I do all the nights now with baby, husband just does our older son who occasionally wakes up for the loo, I'm doing all the cooking, grocery shopping and more bedtimes with toddler). I've also suggested he do some things just for him, like going to play golf on the weekend or going to the gym but he has said no. He seemed like he was really struggling and I wasn't at all (I'm actually loving maternity leave) so I definitely felt like I could pick up more. It's also a bit self serving as I want to show that having more kids would be manageable. I guess if you feel at your limit and so does she, how would you have more kids? If you're at your limit but she has more capacity you probably do need to redistribute the load. I guess for me it's not about everything being literally 50-50 at all times but that each person feels supported, takes on as much as they can but with both still having some free time.

You seem to think you can speak for everyone else's life. Why do you imagine I don't like being a parent? I can love it and find it rewarding but still not think it's easier then my actual work? I've always enjoyed my job which is why I chose to go into it, it sounds as though you find yours more challenging which is fair enough but that's your opinion and your experience - mine is different, as are others on here.

Work is a break from what? Being a parent? I have always enjoyed being a parent, which is why I chose to have several DC. It sounds as if you don't enjoy parenting, which is fair enough but it doesn't follow that it is therefore hard, certainly not harder than most medical jobs. Who treated you like a skivvy? Was that your partner?

If you go back to the initial comparison, it was only caring for a baby during working hours, a baby that was a good sleeper. Looking after one child, your own child, in office hours only compared to most medical jobs is a doddle.

I'm a doctor too. Sure it's demanding but work is a break, and I really enjoy it. Staying home with a baby 24/7 and being treated like a skivvy? Not so much.

You are very lucky to have that sort of job. I don't and nor do many people.
It's undoubtedly harder than caring for one child. Admittedly, I do have 4 DC so one seems very easy to me (barring SEN, etc).

Do you mean at work?
Nope, it's just a hard job. I'm a doctor. I think most people would agree that it's a demanding job.

Exactly, my job is quite easy compared to parenting. I just turn up to meetings (often someone else is kind enough to arrange my diary), do some work in peace, have a cup of tea, think a bit, do some more work. Repeat next day. Parenting is far more challenging and the stakes are far higher.

The demands of only one child are far less than my job

Perhaps you set yourself unattainable standards and made yourself super anxious which make it seem v hard?

If you truly believe that she would leave you if you don’t have any more children that’s crazy… why are you happy to continue to be with her if she feels that way?

You both need marriage counselling.

You need to book a vasectomy because if she’s as intense about having children as you’re making it out to be then she will make it happen… and you can be in control of this happening.

You can go to the toilet with a baby!
It sounds as if you took your parenting responsibilities extremely seriously on mat leave (not a criticism, far better than the opposite!). In the end though, parents can only do their best in their individual circumstances. Perhaps you set yourself unattainable standards and made yourself super anxious which made it seem v hard.

This ☝️ 💯 ✂️
Get a vasectomy.

@NewHere83

why wouldn’t you go to the toilet when needed when you’re at home with your baby?? Genuinely don’t get why you wouldn’t!?

I am talking about one baby, yes. The hours I spent/spend caring for my baby are wonderful, they're the most rewarding thing I've ever done but certainly the hardest. My job is high pressured, but no one's future happiness and mental health is riding on me consistently and positively responding to them. At work I can go to the toilet almost whenever I need to, and I get several cups of tea throughout the day.

T00thl3ss

I’m sure he’d love to not be the only one commuting and working so probably best to share it all.

My commute involves sitting listening to music in the warmth of a car, and even when I got two buses to work there was just me and my own thoughts/ some music, then I get to work where I get an hour break, recognition for my work, I get to interact with other adults and I earn money. While both sahm and work away from home have their pros and cons, throw him into her life for a few weeks, I’m not sure he’ll complain so much!!!

I don’t understand why you don’t man up, take a deep breath, tell her you’re getting the snip because you much as you love her and your two children, you really don’t want any more children.

You are otherwise planning to have a third, be a crap dad, blame her, and probably leave her and your kids.

Note - this is the hardest season of parenting though. 1 and 4. Did you go to uni? You’re only part way through the course. Once they’re 4 and 7 it’s easy. I have 4 - we planned 2 - it was very hairy for a while but we are happy now and it’s easy now they are all at school and fairly self sufficient! I always wanted to work though I did have a period of time it made more sense for me to be at home.

It might not be the end of the world to be a dad of 3 or 4 lovely young people. They’re not always toddlers!

But you’re perfectly entitled to be firm, but you HAVE to have the snip NOW and not make it her fault when she becomes pregnant and it’s ’her fault’ and ‘she did it on purpose’.