Partner’s drug use and lies

OP he's am addict. Addicts lie about their use, it's par for the course.

For example - my late DH was an alcoholic. I used to find his hidden bottles of vodka and he'd deny it - he'd claim they were there from months ago when I'd checked those areas the previous day!! I'd show him my online bank account showing a purchase today of £8.79 (the price of 1/2 vodka from the shop next door) and he'd deny it.

I knew of course he was barefaced lying and HE KNEW THAT I KNEW.

We'd been married for 20 years and I would have said, before this took hold, that he was a very up-front person, especially about himself and his failings.

It is completely insane and can drive YOU insane.

My DH died nearly a year ago very messily but quickly as a result of his alcoholism. I can honestly say it's a relief for both of us.

Your BF is an addict and he will always lie about it even if the truth is staring him in the face.

You can't help him.

My XH was also a wonderful guy....when clean and sober. I still divorced him, because despite me doing everything I could to support him getting clean and sober, he didn't even try to engage with it. Not through the private rehab that cost £££££s, or the counselling/therapy, or anything else.

It's down to you OP. I worked out that I'll never be able to change my XH's behaviours or actions (that is purely down to him), but I can change how I react or deal with his behaviours/actions. After nearly 7yrs, I put in clear boundaries and stuck to them. It was life changing (for the better). FWIW, he's a wonderful guy even now (when he's clean and sober!), but I won't be part of the nonsense, drama and crap that comes with his addiction.

Your "D"P might not be addicted to drugs in the same way that my XH was/is, but you've shown him that you're prepared to accept the lies and disrespect by sticking by him. Even if it is just a handful of times a year that he goes off the rails. So why would he bother telling you beforehand that he's going to have a binge? HE knows you're not going anywhere and that you've accepted the lies/disrespect. In the same way that I subconsciously accepted the awful behaviours that my XH showed towards me when we were married (before my lightbulb moment!). After I divorced him, he actually said to me that he never thought that I'd pull the plug on things/follow through with divorcing him.

So either you stick with him, warts and all, and put up with the crap. Or you say "enough is enough" and dump him. I know what I would do (it's the latter option).

Hold on, he does drugs like 3 times a year (🙄 as if) and the drugs will always be more important to him and you’re fine with that?

No, you’re not. You should not be fine with that.

I’m a recovering alcoholic. I drank heavily for 20 years. In the last couple years, every day. The booze was not more important than my children and my husband, though I may have acted like it was some days. As soon as I realised that the trade off was realistically going to be my kids for the booze. Nope, no way. I quit and never looked back. You should never be okay with that. It’s not acceptable and I would not have expected Dh to sit around twiddling his thumbs while I moved out and shirked all my responsibilities for substances. That’s no way to live.

He doesn't tell you because he doesn't need to.

He knows you will tolerate it. You have lowered the bar to accept being less important than drugs and you have shown him this.

He has no respect for you because you have no respect for yourself.

He isn't a great guy. He makes a decision when he is sober to create a situation that will affect you negatively. I don't know why you're trying to pretend that avoiding him during these times makes it all go away.

^
OP - but, but, excuse after excuse
Just proved my point.

The three times a year that he uses are tainting 365 days of the year as you wait for him to mess up.

Do you understand?

Stop wasting your one and only life in this man.

Your time would be better spent examining why your self esteem is so low that you would be remotely interested in a drug taking liar as a partner.

It doesn't just sound like you are denial, you actually are.

You won't leave him. He won't stop. He puts drug above you.

No one can help you if that's your position.

You need to wake up.

If he’s ’intelligent, warm, funny and kind’ then why is he supporting the criminal gangs who supply drugs and who shoot, torture, murder and harrass the junkies who can’t pay?

To him, you are a hole to squish around in a bit and dump sperm into.

Please, please find your self respect, move away from him and live a nice life somewhere peaceful.

Boring ,repetitive and also pointless.
No idea what op expects from this thread.

Threads like this are so boring and repetitive.

OP - my partner takes drugs and lies
Posters - you need to end it and raise your bar
OP - but he is a great guy
Posters - no he isn't
OP - I will never leave him
Posters - then you have made your bed and will have to lie in it. He will always prioritise drugs over you.
OP - but, but, excuse after excuse

@Dixie81 why are you doing this to yourself. If you won't change the status quo then put up and shut up.

Why would a man respect you? when you don’t respect yourself ?

Hes not a great guy. And you think he’s good enough to stay with ? Get some self esteem and get rid of this loser .

Is it cocaine? I don't see how naming the drug could be outing.

Anyway, I highly doubt he's only using 3 times a year. If it was that infrequent it wouldn't be causing so many problems in your relationship.

He lies about it because he's a liar. Plain and simple. He's probably using way more than you know and doesn't want to admit it.

Just get rid, there’s far better men out there

If you don't expect him to stop using drugs why on earth do you expect him to change his behaviour? That is part and parcel of him being a drug addict.

Higher your standard. Why commit to someone who thinks more of drugs that he does of you? You deserve so much better. You’ve given him the green light to do what he wants. And he will.

drugs will always be more important to him

Why would you be with a guy who values drugs more than you?

Are you ok? Is there some reason why you have poor self esteem?

I agree with pp, if you won’t end it then you put up with all the behaviours that go with it. He knows that he can do whatever he wants and you won’t leave. You’ve made your bed.

You've got 2 choices.

You accept the behaviour. ALL OF IT.

You dont accept the behaviour.

You say you wont split because of the drugs, you dont have too - you can end it due to the lack of respect and honesty, the lies, betrayal & deception.

If you wont split because of the drugs, thats you making your bed, you have to accept the lack of respect and dishonesty too. Its part and parcel.

What if things go badly as they do at some points in life? Will he use more then?

Telling him you’re not going to break up over it is just approving it as others say.

Personally I couldn’t put up with horribleness and the lying.

Please tell me there aren’t children involved in this shitshow

FFS why are you tolerating a liar?!?

A relationship based on lies is not worth it.

He is never going to choose you over the drugs.

Walk away.