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Original poster

How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

192 replies

ayloan · 31/01/2026 01:17

My partner had a long-term relationship with a woman. During that time, they shared a dog and he said she did not build a relationship with his family. Fast forward, they broke up, 5 years later he met me and we now have a child and live together. I put in effort to getting to integrate into his family and spend time with them. But MIL has increasingly put effort into rekindling her connection with my partr's ex including taking her to lunch, looking after the dog, and keeping in touch with her family. Ex uses my partner and his parents for what. Seems like dog daycare.
MIL does not seem keen on our child or my family but seems to be pouring effort into partner's ex and their dog and keeps in touch with her family.
Am I being unreasonable to be uncomfortable and ask partner to have boundaries with ex?
My partner seems to think they're just doing the right thing by their dog and I'm unreasonable for asking him to cut contact with ex.
If you were in my shoes, what would you do?
Really looking for some perspective here as I'm questioning my experience and expectations.
Thank you.

OP posts:
Feelfreee · 31/01/2026 05:59

Mapletree1985 · 31/01/2026 05:47

Another crazy MIL as presented through the eyes of her son's partner, who is peeved that MIL won't live her life the way OP would prefer.

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It’s crazy for a grandma to show more interest in her son’s ex and her dog than her son’s current partner and the child they share. If you think OP’s in laws’ choices are normal then telling you it’s not normal.

Feelfreee · 31/01/2026 05:57

ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:14

Thank you. I understand I can't control them. I'm disappointed in my partner though. I always thought I'd marry him but I no longer feel like I trust him to know his priorities and have boundaries and put his family first. So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

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I wouldn’t have had a child with a man who has ‘custody’ arrangements over a dog. I’d go no contact with the MIL and if your DP doesn’t stop seeing his ex then I’d ditch him too.

Mapletree1985 · 31/01/2026 05:47

BlueSeagull · 31/01/2026 05:02

Ah another bat shit crazy mil

Depending on breed to dog might be nearing the end of its life. If contact continues after it’s gone i would be very uncomfortable. Not that I would be happy currently.

Another crazy MIL as presented through the eyes of her son's partner, who is peeved that MIL won't live her life the way OP would prefer.

Mapletree1985 · 31/01/2026 05:45

MIL can do what she likes, you can do what you like, and your partner can also do what he likes. It sounds like MIL gelled with the ex as a person. Maybe she also really likes dogs but can't have one of her own for some reason. Are there reasons she might not be showing interest in you and your child? Have you made her feel welcome? Or do you make her feel you merely tolerate her?

AnneBoleynsNecklace · 31/01/2026 05:39

Prioritising ex’s dog over her grandchild! Don’t even engage with her, she sounds awful

tripleginandtonic · 31/01/2026 05:10

QueenofDestruction · 31/01/2026 02:09

Animal. Cruelty bravo. You do not ditch a pet. You should not own pets.

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Of course its not animal cruelty, his ex is looking after it. Presumably if she couldn't he would take it or arrange someone else to take it. My ddog doesn't see my dc for weeks on end as they no longer live at home. Doesn't pine for them, just gets excited when he does. Absolutely no need for 50/50.

Bobloblawww · 31/01/2026 05:02

You can’t force someone to do/not do anything.

If MIL isn’t interested in her grandchild what exactly are you going to do to change that?

I’m not convinced the two issues are related tbh.

BlueSeagull · 31/01/2026 05:02

Ah another bat shit crazy mil

Depending on breed to dog might be nearing the end of its life. If contact continues after it’s gone i would be very uncomfortable. Not that I would be happy currently.

Daytimenighttime · 31/01/2026 04:40

Bobloblawww · 31/01/2026 04:23

Not your business. She can see who she likes. You sound like drama.

Have you actually read OP's posts?
Of course it's her business.

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:37

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:17

Agree.

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Just realised the child is his too. Mil is a bit of a cunt to be preferencing a dog over her own grandchild, but there's nothing to be done about that.

You have a partner problem.

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:31

ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:24

Thanks. A part of me wants to leave DP and his mother to it and if that's the death of our relationship as I'm emotionally shutting down, then it means it was never meant to be.

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It's clear you do not feel valued by any of them. Mil prefers his ex and her dog, and, obviously, he has no reason at all to be hanging out with his ex but he's doing it against your wishes (reading between the lines). Again, shared dog custody is not a thing unless you are clinically insane.

One of the greatest tricks some people will play is to make you feel insecure then blame you for feeling insecure. Mumsnet loves to ignore the reality that feeling insecure is usually a reaction to being treated badly and many here are keen to gaslight and victim blame.

None of this will change if you change nothing.

You could try relationship counselling, though most of the time people know exactly what they are doing to upset you and just want to keep doing it. It might be worth it though for clarity.

Otherwise, you will just have to keep sucking it up as it seems he's not listening.

Idontspeakgermansorry · 31/01/2026 04:25

Whackybakky · 31/01/2026 01:22

So many red flags with this family. I'd run, take the child with me and never look back.

That's not really how it works seeing as the child is 50% her partners too. She's linked to him (and his family) for life.

Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:24

PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2026 04:17

i can only say it from my perspective and I’m very aware I’m not in your life.

Dp’s ex wife and ex mother in law are friends of ours. This is a good thing.

In my view ‘setting boundaries’ very quickly tips over into trying to control other people. It simply isn’t your business who your MIL spends time with or what she does. Your dp is free to have friendships with people you don’t like. I would start from there.

Thanks. A part of me wants to leave DP and his mother to it and if that's the death of our relationship as I'm emotionally shutting down, then it means it was never meant to be.

OP posts:
Bobloblawww · 31/01/2026 04:23

Not your business. She can see who she likes. You sound like drama.

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:23

ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:20

It could be. Only that she never walks the dog or look after her. She complains to her son that it's a lot of work and makes her husband do the care.
Also, partner had to ask if we can come over to their house and she goes away to think about it. So, her door isn't automatically open to me and my child. But it is to the dog. The dog is about 9yrs old or so.

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The most obvious answer is nearly always the correct one - she doesn't like you or your child much and doesn't value having you around.

Up to you if you want to suck that up.

Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:20

ThisHeartySloth · 31/01/2026 04:16

Could it be that she just really likes the dog, and likes it when he/she comes to stay? How old is the dog?

It could be. Only that she never walks the dog or look after her. She complains to her son that it's a lot of work and makes her husband do the care.
Also, partner had to ask if we can come over to their house and she goes away to think about it. So, her door isn't automatically open to me and my child. But it is to the dog. The dog is about 9yrs old or so.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 31/01/2026 04:17

i can only say it from my perspective and I’m very aware I’m not in your life.

Dp’s ex wife and ex mother in law are friends of ours. This is a good thing.

In my view ‘setting boundaries’ very quickly tips over into trying to control other people. It simply isn’t your business who your MIL spends time with or what she does. Your dp is free to have friendships with people you don’t like. I would start from there.

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:17

Whackybakky · 31/01/2026 01:22

So many red flags with this family. I'd run, take the child with me and never look back.

Agree.

ThisHeartySloth · 31/01/2026 04:16

Could it be that she just really likes the dog, and likes it when he/she comes to stay? How old is the dog?

nothanks2026 · 31/01/2026 04:15

Well of course there is no reason, at all, for him to have anything at all to do with his ex. Shared custody of a dog is not a thing unless you are clinically insane.

As for mil, she can do what she wants, don't worry about it and don't involve yourself in it at all.

Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:14

Itwasallyellow2 · 31/01/2026 02:50

If your partner and his ex agreed when they split that he would help look after the dog when she is at work etc then he is simply abiding by that agreement. However it sounds as though most of your concern lies with your MiL’s energy going into his ex than you and your child. There’s nothing you can do about that. You are never going to be able to control what she does or the fact she wants to maintain a relationship with his ex-partner.

You have to decide what you want here. Is this a life and relationship you want? Are you willing to feel sidelined by MiL and tolerate the fact she may always have a friendship with your partner’s ex and not invest in a relationship with you and your child.

Do you have a long term plan to marry your partner and would this help you feel more secure in your relationship?

You can’t control what other people do. You can only control what you do. If your partner and MiL see the dog as a shared responsibility with his ex then there is nothing you can do to change that but you can choose whether he is the right partner for you.

Thank you. I understand I can't control them. I'm disappointed in my partner though. I always thought I'd marry him but I no longer feel like I trust him to know his priorities and have boundaries and put his family first. So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:10

The dog and MIL always lived in different cities so she had to really go out of her way to go and get the dog and now more recently the dog has now moved to a different country with ex partner but MIL is still checking on ex to get updates on the dog and then forwarding messages from ex to my partner. It all just feels too unnecessary to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:06

BlackCatDiscoClub · 31/01/2026 01:26

This feels really pointed by MIL. Deliberately giving the dog more care and thought than her GC? How are things between you more generally? I'd be saying to DH, I get you share a dog, but I am unhappy that your ex has become such a big part of our life and it needs to change. I am also unhappy that your mum is prioritising her relationship with your dog over our child, and you need to resolve that.

Things between me and MIL were great because I was overlooking her neediness and I was being nice. Once I had baby, I could no longer put her needs above mine or my child's and this is when tension built up from her side.
She was upset when we told her we were pregnant and when baby arrived, she was trying to distract partner from parental responsibility by always coming to house for tea or to take son out for a walk but was refusing to hold baby

OP posts:
Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 04:00

To make clear, they were together for 10 years and have broken up for five years. They agreed she'd have the dog when they split. When she goes on holiday, she'll ask him to take dog so she doesn't have to pay for dog care. His mum began requesting to take the dog more and more to their house and look after her. My partner himself is too occupied and can't look after the dog so it looks like he's happy for his parents to do the hard work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ayloan · 31/01/2026 03:56

Thanks for the advice ẞ@Vaxtablei'm distancing myself from MIL as I do not think she's deserving of my time or attention any longer but she's manipulative by texting me one liners pretending to care and then complaining to my partner that I don't respond. It's push and pull. She starts texting me when she notices I pull back and when I re-engage, she pulls away. For example, I send her videos of my baby and her son but she'll not acknowledge them. And then I pull back, then she begins texting me after a while asking whether we're enjoying the weather.

OP posts: