How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

Someone is lying somewhere along the way. I'm assuming that's what you feel unsettled by

MIL and the ex always got along really well, both doggie people, that relationship is continuing post break up, MIL looking after joint dog etc - that seems reasonable

But that's not what you were told originally. Why the lie? Why the change?

Ex is in Canada?! I’m confused

How MIL is acting seems to be what the issue is. How DH has been does seem to have changed? MIL does the dog sitting the majority of the time, how is it DHs fault?

you haven’t said DH is regularly communicating or spending lots of time with ex? And that she and the dog live in another country?!!

Agree it sounds like there are lies and mind games going on about the history with the ex. That would make anyone in your position feel unsettled.

You do you. Make the effort toward MIL that makes you comfortable. She will continue to be the grandparent and your other half's mum, so she is in your life whatever. Sounds like she is not very into the baby, or you, sad, but it is what it is. With the ex now so far away it will become really difficult to maintain links and the dog won't last forever. Let it pass you by, you have a young child, keep your focus there. You only really need to get concerned if your DH maintains inappropriate contact. Bear in mind, it's pretty healthy for people to have a little contact with an ex. Unusual for a MIL to go out of their way for it unless bonds were strongly formed but hey, let her do what she wants, it's her loss, putting her energies into your DH's ex will probably mean she will see less of her DH and grandchild as you will be less inclined to go out of your way for her.

What kind of relationship would you like to have with her as a mil? Or as your child’s grandmother? Can you just focus on that and ignore the ex thing as you don’t have any say in who she can see. How does your husband feel about your mother’s relationship with his child? Are your own family in the picture?

I do think it’s weird to not have phased out contact with the dog after all this time. Do you know why they split? What strikes me is him saying she wasn’t close to his family which doesn’t seem to ring true. Why would they still be in touch otherwise?

But what about Canada???

This sounds like a non event now she's in a different continent.

I also read this as mil helping her son by proxy with dog care then being happy with lots of attention from ex.
You are basically the 'jealous lover" and youband the ex are "competing for mils heart "🤢
its also got shades of pick me. "Why doesnt mil love me best"

This is her choice and her dysfunction

Just drop the rope...
Let her cry to your dh you dont engage and say that sounds hard. I try my best. Sorry she feels that way etcetc and carry on putting space in.

Stop wasting hours thinking about her.
Focus your energy on your child and husband and being happy

It took me a while but I know feel v little about my mil and would be quite happy if this happened as alyhough weird... in means shes out of my hair / away from my child.

It sounds like your partner underplayed and lied about his exs relationship and involvement with his family. Why would he be with someone for 10 years and his partner not have a relationship with his family, that’s just odd.

My mum always used to say "mother's of sons" in reference to how her mum used to accepting of her daughter's husbands and not of her son's wives. I've had that experience with my MIL, when we got engaged she kept bumping into one of his ex girlfriends who'd remarried and even asked her round when I was there.
The grass is always greener for some mothers, she probably didn't like your partner's ex when they were together. One things for sure she'll never like you, so stop trying and do what you like. She's shown what a weirdo she is by not being interested in her grandchild.

They’ve moved to Canada?!

Then fab, not your problem anymore. Your MIL is hardly going to go to Canada to get the dog and she poses no threat to your relationship from there!

Sorry what?

The ex and dog are in CANADA and you are UK????

You need to lead with that.

Surely your DH and MIL arent travelling an ocean to go dog sit now????
Or are they?

Also how old is dog and when will it die? Small dogs live longer!

Is MIL one of those people that doesn't like change? I sort of get that, if your DH had a 10 year relationship with someone that she liked it's going to be jarring to have to get used to a new spouse. That said she should suck it up and make an effort with you and keep her relationship with the Ex separate.

To be honest whilst I'd always considered whether or not to date men with children from previous relationships I never thought I'd have to consider dogs from previous relationships. Do dogs really need people to go out of their way for shared custody?

I'd be telling your DH that while he can't control MIL his ex is far too present in your lives.

Forget the MIL & whatever she gets up to with the ex partner, the dog, whatever.

What is important is your relationship with your DP with whom you have a child. To feel this freaked out by the ex and MIL situation you must, deep down, feel insecure about your relationship with HIM.
That's what's actually going on here, the whole MIL/ex/dog thing is a smoke screen.

You need to reflect on why this situation is making you consider your whole relationship with the father of your child.

What is HE doing & saying to make you feel insecure and question everything. That's the key, the other stuff is irrelevant especially if it's happening in another country anyway.

So your partner travels to a different country to see the dog? Are we talking driving from England to Wales. Or is the dog abroad?

I don't see the issue. Your partner is only looking after a dog, who your mil talks to is nothing to do with you, you don't have to see the ex. If your mil doesn't want to see your daughter why would you push it? It won't be nice for anyone. Just let her know that she's welcome to yours, daughter loves her and leave things to happen at their own pace. Build on positive relationships elsewhere.

It's not really about the dog I think. Your MIL has tried to upset the apple cart because she was upset your baby came along, and she has succeeded. She couldn't care less about the dog it sounds like and has taken up a sudden interest to try and make you feel shit.

Presumably he was taking responsibility for his dog the early years you were together prior to baby and mil acting out?

Is it possible you just need your dh to acknowledge her behaviour and be on your side?

Reading yet another post about an “evil MIL” who supposedly has no interest in her grandchild makes me question how much of the real story is being left out.

In these threads, the OP almost always paints themselves as the endlessly patient, reasonable one who “tried so hard,” while the grandmother is reduced to a cartoon villain. Everyone accepts that a woman who (the OP has said) remains in contact with her son and the the OP, would genuinely prefer a dog in another country over her own grandchild.

Op, if the reality is that you truly made every effort and she rejected the baby from the start or attempted to undermine the child’s relationship with their father, then yes — that behaviour is bizarre and indefensible.

But if in reality you restricted access, discouraged bonding, or made her presence uncomfortable, it’s disingenuous to act shocked when she disengages. In that case, the issue isn’t a grandmother choosing a dog over her grandchild — it’s a rewritten narrative designed to avoid accountability.

I am a MIL in a very similar situation. DS was married for 10 years to someone I grew very fond of and built a good relationship with.
Her own parents were deceased so we became close.
The marriage broke down due to various reasons stemming from a shared tragedy.
The couple had a dog that we all dated on and during lockdown their jobs were such that they were working all the time, we were not so we looked after the dog. After the split dog went with ex DIL, and she moved away to an area we often go to to visit friends, so we would call in and see her for a coffee and to cuddle the dog.
DS is now remarried and has a beautiful baby with his lovely wife.
OP do you think I should no longer meet with his EX for the occasional cup of coffee, send her a birthday card, ring her up for a chat?She is someone who I like, I have no argument with her?
I don't flaunt my relationship with her in my new DIL'S face, who I am also fond of, but I see no reason why I should not retain this relationship, we are all adults after all.
It shouldn't be because your partner has "fallen out" with his ex that his mother should too.
Just my point of view but try and see the bigger picture here. Also once the dog dies and over time the relationship will probably become less close because without the dog there will be less interaction all round.

Honestly, I'd pull right back from your MIL. She sounds at best indifferent and at worst almost hostile to her grandchild and she has purposely re-kindled the relationship with your partner's ex-girlfriend to make you feel bad.

She isn't a positive influence in your baby's life so you can stop making any effort to maintain a relationship with her. She sounds like a manipulative, needy nightmare.

If your partner doesn't support you, I'd be re-thinking the relationship with him as well.

This realisation is correct OP. You can only do so much to try to integrate and to build family bonds.

But before you start to emotionally shut down with your partner, check that MIL isn’t already having to move on from her relationship with the dog and the ex now that they have moved to a different country.
How can it be such a problem if she can no longer dog sit.
Maybe the ex was as fed up of the games MIL appears to play as you are, so she moved away.

Your partner now has no reason to be in such close contact with his ex if she and the dog live in another country. So allow time to see if things settle down a bit with her out of the picture and without MIL’s manipulation.

In the meantime, I wouldn’t be chasing MIL because she has already shown what a tricky character she is, but if and when she makes contact, I would be polite and amenable, whilst accepting that she will always likely to be blowing hot and cold.
And try not to let it affect the relationship between you, your partner and dc while you wait to see what MIL does next.

she prioritising a dog and her sons ex over her own grandchild. Of course she can do what she likes but it certainly not what most reasonable people would choose.

Doesn't the fact that the ex and their dog have moved to a different country recently solve a lot of the issues? I assume no more doggy daycare from MIL or partner?

Now you can focus on the real issues which are (a) your MIL shows little interest in her grandchild and (b) your MIL seems to like the drama of being a bit of shit stirrer by constantly bringing up the Ex/playing games with you. The answer for both is to sit down with your partner and say - this isn't working for us, I'll be polite but nothing more with your MIL and you can organise any get togethers if you think its important for your child to spend time with MIL.