How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

I agree with this - it’s all being conflated and the @ayloanneeds to see the wood for the trees.

MIL can have any relationship she likes with the ex and her dog. OP needs to let that lie. Seemingly OP or her DH have not even met the dog in 5 years and the dog and ex live in another continent and time zone.

@ayloanis a people pleaser and bent over backwards to develop a relationship with her MIL before pregnancy shifted the dynamics. Maybe MIL was miffed she wouldn’t get full attention, maybe OP recognised her finite emotional energy needed to focused elsewhere. This is understandable but maybe the MIL sensed this withdrawal and was confused and upset. That doesn’t mean OP was wrong - just that both can be happening at once and the skill in life is emotional adjustment to shifting changes in life.

From a distance the comments from the MIL in the early days that OP has spent more time with them in 2 months than ex did in 10 years is revealing. OP look this as flattery and a delicious snub to the ex. However it might reveal that ex worked out the needy/dysfunctional MIL early doors and put in healthy boundaries or that MIL worked out OPs needy people pleasing flaw and was suggesting she was engulfing or wanted to exploit that. Could be all of it.

OP is now understandably hurt and confused that MIL is not interested in being a grandmother -possibly to OPs preconceived expectations and she reads this and her actions as passive aggressive and these are impacting her and her marriage.

The OP can choose to accept that her MIL has these priorities but she can also choose her own agency in taking responsibility for emotionally protecting herself so that she doesn’t get hurt, or it is processed quickly - and she can focus her finite headspace and energy on intentionally positive emotions for the benefit of her baby, herself and her marriage.

Seems to me OP has poor boundaries - even in her own head - to conflate a dog on another continent being responsible for her marriage disintegrating.

Start by accepting MIL doesn’t like you, never will and is hurting you. That takes time to come to terms with - but don’t get stuck ruminating there - you now have to actively take responsibility for taking yourself out of punching distance. You can do this by limiting contact, information, bland responses etc. Dropping the rope to her game without drama. Emotionally detach in your head - not to bitterness but indifference. You won’t notice her if your life is busy and fulfilling - make it so.

Then turn your back and focus hard on building an emotionally positive and stable family unit. Have you recently had your baby - could PND be in the picture as well ? It lasts for 2 years. Maybe you need some professional support at this time as well.

The dog now lives in Canada so no one will see it. Before it emigrated MIL used the care of it to meddle in OPs relationship by offering OP and her DP as dog sitters right when their baby was due.

I’m confused. Does your DP see the dog, or is it just MIL?

I genuinely don’t see how the MIL is the issue here. OP sounds like a controlling, green eyed demon tbh.

Ah, I see.
Gosh, MIL’s are tricky beasts.

Just continue to step right back from your MIL. If she texts and you feel you have to answer just reply using an emoji, or yes or no. If she complains about you to your partner explain how busy you are with the baby. Ask him each and every time he moans about it, if he would like to take on more responsibility with the baby ( he won’t) so that you can spend time with his mum. Be specific about the list of tasks he can take from you full time every day, so you can be more responsive to his mum.

Before long he will be responding to his mum by himself and not involving you or moaning at you.

There’s no ‘popping over’ being done here… OP and MIL live on opposite sides of ends of the UK, which is why it’s even weirder that OP is making such a drama over this.

Mother in law sounds awful. So sorry to hear she is making you feel this way OP.

Tell your partner how this is making you feel. Surely he notices his mother makes no effort with your child?

Try to rally your partner round to your way of thinking and you must stop going round to her. You don’t want to turn him against his mother but you and he need to be a united front against her. If he wants to take your child to see her, yes let him but you busy yourself at home. Your absence will speak volumes.

Likewise if she pops over to you, you suddenly need to nip out and run an errand. Do not ban her from your home or stop her seeing your partner or child, but refuse to be treated badly. Believe me, you’ll see a change in her when she notices you no longer place her on a pedestal.

Old crows can be tamed. It’s not easy, but it’s doable!

you have asked your partner to put boundaries. He has said you are being unreasonable. So you may have to decide whether to stay in this relationship or walk away.

By the way, how did your relationship with your dp start?

Why on earth are either of them doing it? Who looks after their exs dog?? There are no kids involved with the previous relationship, he now has children with his current partner that should be his priority. The MIL can do one OP.

Why are these threads always about the women involved (crazy ex, difficult MIL) and never about the man??

This is a non issue with the Canada element.

Focus on your DP & your child & forget your MIL. If she doesn't want to see her own grandchild that's her loss.

What??!

Third edition deleted

My MIL had a relationship with ex-DIL for around 40 years, sent christmas and birthday money to her and children (not her grandkids) until she could no longer do so. Likewise ex-DIL sent her cards and flowers.

My MIL had a relationship with ex-DIL for around 40 years, sent christmas and birthday money to her and children (not her grandkids) until she could no longer do so. Likewise ex-DIL sent her cards and flowers.

Then closer to my due date, MIL planned for us to take dog for 3 months immediately after our baby was born and I said no as we are first time parents and can't look after dog. So, she took dog without me being aware. Just began seeing dog at the house. She didn't need to. She could have just told DP's ex to make her own arrangements for dog as it is not a good time. They've just had their first grandson and we are first time parents.

So you, quite reasonably, refused to have the dog, so MIL had it instead. What's your problem with that? Why shouldn't she? She stepped in perfectly reasonably. Your new baby was no reason for not doing.

The more you post, the more I think that you're causing your own drama.
And FFS, ex and dog are in Canada, so why are you dwelling on this now? Your partner isn't in touch with her.

Had my late DH and I split up, I'm in no doubt that I'd have remained in touch with his MIL. I hope we'd have done so considerately, but your expectation that your MIL should cut contact is unreasonable.

What you've got is an unenthusiastic grandma. I see that as your only problem/ disappointment.

Finding this all quite confusing. But are you saying she was fine with you until you got pregnant? If that’s the case maybe the ex and dog are a complete red herring.
Could it be she doesn’t like her new supporting role of being grandma instead of the main mother role? I know some mums can find this an adjustment.

Please draw a line under the dog thing, there’s an ocean between you now, I think you need to move past it.

💯

A dog is not a child. A dog has a single owner. You don’t share custody of a dog.

edited to say I shared pets with my ex. We took one each - the one we personally owned. Don’t think the one I took even noticed they’d gone (I would go so far as to say she was happier without them!)

OP, I have to wonder whether MIL hugely increased the time she had the dog specifically as a means of getting at you, or whether the ex simply needed more dog care for whatever reason- work commitments, holidays or whatever.
You seem to be making this dog such an ongoing central drama in your life, when it doesn't need to be, especially now the dog resides in Canada.

People who put dogs on the same level as children are ridiculous imo

You’ve never met the dog in the 5 years you’ve been together? So your DP never had any custody or responsibility for the dog? Your thread is so confusing.

I understand @ayloan . Sometimes things happen which cause us to see our partners (and their family) in a different light. It’s really hurtful when we feel disregarded or that we are way down their priority list. All you can do is talk with your partner about the way you are feeling and see if he can make any adjustments that would help you feel more secure and important. Remember, he is with you not his ex but I guess from your post you are worried that his ex is becoming more part of the family than you are which I understand.

Have a think about what you need to feel included and talk with him about that. It may result in some changes which make things more bearable for you. If not, then you know that this relationship isn’t for you.

Whatever you do, maintain your financial independence if you have it. If you work, keep working. If you have savings, keep them safe.

I wish you well.

If the ex is in Canada you have nothing to worry about. Ignore the Mil. If she "accidentally " sends you messages forward them to your dh. If she gets no reaction she'll eventually stop. I wouldn't be making any effort to send her pictures or information about your child her son can do it.
I wouldn't ruin my relationship for an interfering Mil.

The more of OP responses I read the more I'm siding with mil. OP wants to control the relationships and actions of others and is angry when they don't react how she wants.

#teamMIL