How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

That kind of callous attitude towards the dog would be a major red flag for me, and I am not even a dog lover. It's a good sign he still cares about the dog and doesn't ditch the responsibility - time and financial. People like that would otherwise just as easily ditch responsibility for children and elderly relatives along the line. What MIL does is up to her, as long as she doesn't invite the ex to shared events, it's no one's business.

Op you are being incredibly childish, controlling and unreasonable.
it is literally none of your business who your MIL has contact with.
if your partner is able to have a cordial relationship with his ex that is a good thing, and also as far as I’m concerned absolutely none of your business. People come with baggage and past relationships, just because we are in a relationship with somebody does not mean we get to tell them who they can and can’t speak to.

That kind of callous attitude towards the dog would make me run for the hills, and I am not even a dog lover. Yes, they are both responsible for the dog while it is alive, if they both assumed responsibility together when they got it. So contact about arrangements for dog care, including costs, only between the partner and ex. Not dissimilar to shared children. As far as MIL is concerned - she can have as much of a relationship with the ex as she likes, as long as she doesn't overstep shared event boundaries like Christmas etc. That she is not interested in the child is sad, but can't be helped.

Yes if you want to sound ridiculous say this ^.

It wasn't just the ex's dog- it was hers and DP's at one time.
A dog is a huge tie sometimes when you need to work away or have a holiday etc etc. When their relationship broke down and they discussed who would keep the dog, it's quite likely that they made some sort of agreement that DP would help out with the dog sitting when needed. The alternative could have been that they rehomed the dog when they split up. It's part of being a responsible dog owner.
We don't know the history in this case, and it's interesting that OP hasn't actually SEEN the dog in five years! And it's in Canada now!
With the greatest of respect OP, I think your PND may be clouding your thinking at the moment. Just get on with your life and smile politely when you see MIL, or just have a chat with her about what sort of grand parent she wants to be when the occasion arises.

The Canada thing changes this situation a lot! Let the MIL invest her time in a woman and a 9 year old dog if she wants, it’s unlikely any of you will ever see her or the dog again.

But I would say to MIL, ‘When I first met you, you said you had spent more time with me in two months than you did with Rebecca in ten years. Now your son has moved on and has a child and a partner, you can’t get enough of her! How come you’re still in touch? It’s the one thing that will stop me marrying Pete. My mother wouldn’t text my ex partner, they would see it as disloyal to Pete’.

I m going to be blunt OP . You need to take a good hard look at how your partner is treating you , what his priorities are and how important you are to him.

You also need to stop trying to integrate yourself in your BF family. She’s not your MIL and even if she was, they are still not your family . If you and your BF split up ( which is a 50% chance ) you will probably never see them again .

So stop sending her videos and pictures, let your baby’s dad do that . I assume he has a Mobile phone , there’s no need for you to do this .

Dont see his family alone , only when he is there . Let him take baby to visit his family for the day at the weekend while you do something nice for yourself . If necessary , tell him you are going to visit a friend who is having a difficult time because her gran is unwell / she’s split with her BF / she’s worried about her job . TBH I’d say that at any given time there’s at least one of my friends who actually has some issue , so I’d just use that .

Then invest all that time and emotional energy you are wasting on his mum and his ex and his dog and put then into YOUR life . Your own friends and family , your own education or career .

don’t make any announcements or drama , just do a slow fade on your involvement . Be polite but distant - it’s not your circus and not your monkeys .

get back to work full time after your maternity leave . Your DP needs to learn to pull his weight in the house and with your child . And you need to keep your options open .

don’t use his family for childcare , only use yours or paid .

remember that right now you are losing income , pension contributions and career opportunities to protect HIS. But you have no claim on him if you split up . So wise up - you have a child to support for the next 20 years , you can’t afford to be self indulgent.

I'd be careful what you disclose to your MIL. I think when someone isn't kind to you then it's not a good idea to tell them vulnerable things about you if that makes sense, it can make you feel much worse. I think you have to have very realistic expectations of this woman when it comes to you and your child.

That's what the thumbs up emoji is for. Just don't give her, the ex, or the dog any headspace.

The dog was there first 🤷‍♀️you knew he had a dog already when you chose to get with him and have a baby. You wouldn’t discard a first born child just cos another child has come along later down the line, would you?

that’s honestly what some mumsnetters seem to think! They go crazy when a dog is involved

I’d openly to say to her ‘You always seem a lot more concerned with Rex than your human grandchild’. How is Rebecca (the ex) it’s been a few weeks since we’ve had some pictures of her and Rex’.

Call her out! She’s being a bitch, so be one back! Ask her why she’s so invested in her son’s ex who he hasn’t been with for 5 years and lives in another country!!

Sorry, this is a hell of a drip feed. So your partner's parents live hundreds of miles from you. Ex and dog now live in Canada.

Puts quite a different spin on it.

So is your problem the Mil (she's not your Mil if you're not married), your partner or both? I love my daughter's partner like a son. I would be broken hearted if they split up. I would always consider him family but would I keep in regular contact? No. That would be odd.

Your partner's actions are pretty dodgy tbh. There's absolutely no reason for him to be continuing a relationship with the ex. It's a dog, not a child. How invested are you both in the relationship? I'm guessing him less than you.

Grandmother's attitude to the child - odd.

You need a proper chat about this one.

Its been 5 years , he now has a child with a new partner. I think the dog ship has sailed...

Seems a lot of drama. I don’t get this crazy “co-parenting” of animals, but as the ex is going to Canada, the problem will solve itself.

You cannot dictate who other people should mix with. 🤷‍♀️

The less reaction you give her, the more annoyed she'll be. Just mute her chat and archive it so if she does play silly text games with sending and deleting messages you won't see it anyway.

Trying to "share custody" of a pet doesn't work after a breakup. It keeps two people who need fresh starts tied together and is uncomfortable for most new partners. I'm a massive dog lover, and have my own, but hard as it is you have to just say goodbye and cut that cord if the dog doesn't reside with you

From reading your posts it sounds like your partner needs to step up and acknowledge the issues with his mum. The ex isn’t the problem here. As others have said your MILs odd behaviour is clearly linked to you both having a child. Whatever the cause, the main problem here is your partner not being willing to recognise that her behaviour is odd. He could be reassuring you and reassuring his mother (if her problems stem from insecurity rather than something less benign), but instead he seems to be carrying on as normal? Are you able to have a good conversation with him about this?

Your MIL is a nasty immature manipulator.

Please don’t ever think you can control her bitchy actions, you can’t. But you can control how you deal with them.

So stop playing ‘her games’ and ignore her.

Hopefully she will see the light and grow up and realise her family are more important than an ex and their dog who are long gone.

Some people are just born mean and like causing upset, and she’s one of them.

Good luck 💐

Buy a new dog???? I hope you haven't got pets, with that attitude

You've changed from this is happening to this used to happen. Your posts are all over the place.

I went from thinking your partner was chasing his ex to realising you were just deliberately obfuscating and changing your story repeatedly.

I think you're lying. And even if you are telling the truth that mil wanted the dog more than you and the kid, the dog is - according to you - in another country with the ex.

So who fucking cares?

I think the dog to some extent is a red herring, it’s moved to Canada now and is an older dog so it’s not going to be a fixture in your lives for much longer.
You have a DP problem, he sounds like he’s a bit unsupportive and MIL sounds like she likes to be the queen bee and controlling the narrative.
I wouldn’t rise to it, I would either keep sending the occasional pic/video of your DP and Baby and not expect anything back and if she messages to say ‘are you enjoying the weather’ you just send a ‘yes thanks’ bland message back.
You’re tying yourself up in knots and overthinking about it because your MIL feels able to keep up a relationship with the Ex, she’s either doing it because she genuinely cares about her and the dog or she’s doing it because she knows it’s driving you nuts and your DP is entrenched in the situation as well. At the end of the day, it is a dog (and I say that as a dog lover) he had a child and needs to step up.
Drop the rope and concentrate on something else, I’m polite with my in laws but I don’t make any effort to engage when it became very clear that there was a strong preference for the grandchildren from their daughter then ours.
I honestly could not continue to get annoyed about a dog and woman living on the other side of the world where contact is not going to be maintained, however I would be annoyed at a DP who didn’t have boundaries and was useless.

Stop investing any time in your MIL.
It all sounds rather toxic.
Don't waste your time and life with someone who isn't loyal to you.

As I said and others have, it's not about the MIL, the now Canadian ex or the dog.

It's about the DP and how he makes the OP feel but instead of focusing on this she's firing shots at the MIL!
Always got to be another woman's fault...

I can’t see how her DP sees the dog often if OP hasn’t even met this dog in all of the 5 years they’ve been together.