How to handle MIL keeping in touch with my partner's ex

Animal. Cruelty bravo. You do not ditch a pet. You should not own pets.

Thank you for understanding and for the kind advice too.
I have discussed with him that I do not appreciate his mum planning with him things to do with his time in a way that takes away from our family and leaving me in the dark and I do not want him sneaking to talk to his ex through his mum. I will discuss with him to just own his stuff if that's what he chooses to do and I'll make my boundaries clear
And yes, I will work on my independence and security.
I agree with someone who also said my PND may affect how I feel. When baby was born, I told the mum that I had PND and how the lack of support from her is affecting us, and things that I requested from her was to leave me out of things with ex and dog but not much as changed. She just now has increased her communication with ex and 'mistakenly' forwards messages to me.

MILs behaviour only changed once OP was pregnant. So that commitment was made before her DP's family started with the mindfucking; since when she has naturally felt less committed to the man who thinks his mother's behaviour is fine and dandy.

Your mother in law has integrity. She does not abandon people or animals on the basis of her son moving on. I respect her for that. Animals are part of the family and love the people who have been theirs for most of their lives. They do not forget.

My MiL tried 'love bombing' me last year when she realised she hadn't seen me for three years. She unexpectedly sent me a gift when I was in hospital. I responded with a thank you via snail mail - no way is she having my personal contact number.

I find it quite amusing that the last time she saw was me a couple of months after I'd nearly died in an accident, then again from surgery complications. Not only did she not bother to ask how I was (which I didn't expect) but she cut me dead and refused to speak to me in my own home (which I did). A brief 'hello' would have sufficed and is the most basic courtesy anyone is entitled to expect.

By this point, I was through. It was the last time I saw her and the last time I intend to. Long story, of course.

As to your MiL, I'd say from personal experience that the best way to deal with this is to withdraw. The 'push pull' idea you describe is a common part of the cycle of emotional abuse: you can Google several variations on this theme. Without the occasional kind parts no one would tolerate their behaviour, so they give just enough to keep you embroiled within the cycle. I have no time for people who behave like this. I'd drop the rope and let your DH contact her in future. She is his mother, after all.

And sorry, but this 'joint custory of a dog' thing is over-emotional, anthropomorphic BS. Dogs are not children, do not require the same care as children, and are not at the same level of priority as children. I've always been fond of dogs, which I treat as dogs, not as 'fur babies'. Some owners these days have completely lost the plot and fail to recognise that treating dogs as human beings is not necessarily in their best interests.

Protect yourself at a distance, OP. 💐

Thank you for understanding and for the kind advice too.
I have discussed with him that I do not appreciate his mum planning with him things to do with his time in a way that takes away from our family and leaving me in the dark and I do not want him sneaking to talk to his ex through his mum. I will discuss with him to just own his stuff if that's what he chooses to do and I'll make my boundaries clear
And yes, I will work on my independence and security.
I agree with someone who also said my PND may affect how I feel. When baby was born, I told the mum that I had PND and how the lack of support from her is affecting us, and things that I requested from her was to leave me out of things with ex and dog but not much as changed. She just now has increased her communication with ex and 'mistakenly' forwards messages to me.

Thanks for the advice ẞ@Vaxtablei'm distancing myself from MIL as I do not think she's deserving of my time or attention any longer but she's manipulative by texting me one liners pretending to care and then complaining to my partner that I don't respond. It's push and pull. She starts texting me when she notices I pull back and when I re-engage, she pulls away. For example, I send her videos of my baby and her son but she'll not acknowledge them. And then I pull back, then she begins texting me after a while asking whether we're enjoying the weather.

I m going to be blunt OP . You need to take a good hard look at how your partner is treating you , what his priorities are and how important you are to him.

You also need to stop trying to integrate yourself in your BF family. She’s not your MIL and even if she was, they are still not your family . If you and your BF split up ( which is a 50% chance ) you will probably never see them again .

So stop sending her videos and pictures, let your baby’s dad do that . I assume he has a Mobile phone , there’s no need for you to do this .

Dont see his family alone , only when he is there . Let him take baby to visit his family for the day at the weekend while you do something nice for yourself . If necessary , tell him you are going to visit a friend who is having a difficult time because her gran is unwell / she’s split with her BF / she’s worried about her job . TBH I’d say that at any given time there’s at least one of my friends who actually has some issue , so I’d just use that .

Then invest all that time and emotional energy you are wasting on his mum and his ex and his dog and put then into YOUR life . Your own friends and family , your own education or career .

don’t make any announcements or drama , just do a slow fade on your involvement . Be polite but distant - it’s not your circus and not your monkeys .

get back to work full time after your maternity leave . Your DP needs to learn to pull his weight in the house and with your child . And you need to keep your options open .

don’t use his family for childcare , only use yours or paid .

remember that right now you are losing income , pension contributions and career opportunities to protect HIS. But you have no claim on him if you split up . So wise up - you have a child to support for the next 20 years , you can’t afford to be self indulgent.

So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

Yet you had a child with him which is an even bigger commitment?

@Patagonia21

FFS, it’s a DOG! So long as it gets fed and walked it’s fine, it doesn’t give a shit about its MIL!

Your mother in law has integrity. She does not abandon people or animals on the basis of her son moving on. I respect her for that. Animals are part of the family and love the people who have been theirs for most of their lives. They do not forget.

Don’t be ridiculous. Dogs are not replaceable anymore than children are

Thank you for understanding and for the kind advice too.
I have discussed with him that I do not appreciate his mum planning with him things to do with his time in a way that takes away from our family and leaving me in the dark and I do not want him sneaking to talk to his ex through his mum. I will discuss with him to just own his stuff if that's what he chooses to do and I'll make my boundaries clear
And yes, I will work on my independence and security.
I agree with someone who also said my PND may affect how I feel. When baby was born, I told the mum that I had PND and how the lack of support from her is affecting us, and things that I requested from her was to leave me out of things with ex and dog but not much as changed. She just now has increased her communication with ex and 'mistakenly' forwards messages to me.

Thank you. I understand I can't control them. I'm disappointed in my partner though. I always thought I'd marry him but I no longer feel like I trust him to know his priorities and have boundaries and put his family first. So, I'm no longer thinking about marriage as strongly as I used to.

It's clear you do not feel valued by any of them. Mil prefers his ex and her dog, and, obviously, he has no reason at all to be hanging out with his ex but he's doing it against your wishes (reading between the lines). Again, shared dog custody is not a thing unless you are clinically insane.

One of the greatest tricks some people will play is to make you feel insecure then blame you for feeling insecure. Mumsnet loves to ignore the reality that feeling insecure is usually a reaction to being treated badly and many here are keen to gaslight and victim blame.

None of this will change if you change nothing.

You could try relationship counselling, though most of the time people know exactly what they are doing to upset you and just want to keep doing it. It might be worth it though for clarity.

Otherwise, you will just have to keep sucking it up as it seems he's not listening.

It wasn't just the ex's dog- it was hers and DP's at one time.
A dog is a huge tie sometimes when you need to work away or have a holiday etc etc. When their relationship broke down and they discussed who would keep the dog, it's quite likely that they made some sort of agreement that DP would help out with the dog sitting when needed. The alternative could have been that they rehomed the dog when they split up. It's part of being a responsible dog owner.
We don't know the history in this case, and it's interesting that OP hasn't actually SEEN the dog in five years! And it's in Canada now!
With the greatest of respect OP, I think your PND may be clouding your thinking at the moment. Just get on with your life and smile politely when you see MIL, or just have a chat with her about what sort of grand parent she wants to be when the occasion arises.

Thank you for understanding and for the kind advice too.
I have discussed with him that I do not appreciate his mum planning with him things to do with his time in a way that takes away from our family and leaving me in the dark and I do not want him sneaking to talk to his ex through his mum. I will discuss with him to just own his stuff if that's what he chooses to do and I'll make my boundaries clear
And yes, I will work on my independence and security.
I agree with someone who also said my PND may affect how I feel. When baby was born, I told the mum that I had PND and how the lack of support from her is affecting us, and things that I requested from her was to leave me out of things with ex and dog but not much as changed. She just now has increased her communication with ex and 'mistakenly' forwards messages to me.