To think my Grammar School DD 2 with an IQ of 119 should be aiming for at least Grade 7's in all her GCSE subjects.

However, I think children that have been brought up in a economically very comfortable stable backgrounds with Prep schools from 4 -11 have a unsigned written contract. This, to at least achieve academically in similarity to their peer group they have been placed with. This especially being true if no issues such as physical or mental disabilities have presented themselves.

This is a terrible concept. They are a child, who had no say where they are placed at 4 years of age. It wasn't a choice for them, you decided to place them there, that's on you OP.

Your children have a responsibility to themselves to do the best they can, not a responsibility or 'contract' with you. Motivation has to be intrinsic to truly succeed.

As I tell my daughter when she moans about doing her 11+ homework, its her choice and her consequences, it doesnt actually affect me, she doesn't have an responsibility to me to do anything beyond treat me respectfully. She has to make a choice for herself if she wants to go to Grammar and to put the work in to get there.

It does sound as though Grammar probably isn't the right setting for your daughter, and that the pressure had squashed her confidence.

As parents we can provide the best conditions for success, such as emotional support, a quiet place to study etc, but we cannot chose it for them, or ask it from them.

My parents regularly moan that they paid for private school for my brother and he is now working in a minimum wage job. But I tell them that was a choice they made, with all the best intentions, but still their choice.

she doesn't have an responsibility to me to do anything beyond treat me respectfully.

Agree, And I think any other view is actually emotional manipulation.

People get very envious of dc from wealthy families, with independent education etc but they can, in fact, fall victim to a lot of this type of manipulation and abuse and guilt tripping: "But we've given you sooooo many opportunities."

And this won't be a popular comment with all, but it is why I feel some of the judgment of Prince Harry and Brooklyn Beckham on these threads is a bit off. Children get the start in life they are given: that might make them lucky on some views, it might even make things harder if it is an ostensibly privileged start, but none of them take it on as a contract.

However, I think children that have been brought up in a economically very comfortable stable backgrounds with Prep schools from 4 -11 have a unsigned written contract. This, to at least achieve academically in similarity to their peer group they have been placed with. This especially being true if no issues such as physical or mental disabilities have presented themselves.

This is a terrible concept. They are a child, who had no say where they are placed at 4 years of age. It wasn't a choice for them, you decided to place them there, that's on you OP.

Your children have a responsibility to themselves to do the best they can, not a responsibility or 'contract' with you. Motivation has to be intrinsic to truly succeed.

As I tell my daughter when she moans about doing her 11+ homework, its her choice and her consequences, it doesnt actually affect me, she doesn't have an responsibility to me to do anything beyond treat me respectfully. She has to make a choice for herself if she wants to go to Grammar and to put the work in to get there.

It does sound as though Grammar probably isn't the right setting for your daughter, and that the pressure had squashed her confidence.

As parents we can provide the best conditions for success, such as emotional support, a quiet place to study etc, but we cannot chose it for them, or ask it from them.

My parents regularly moan that they paid for private school for my brother and he is now working in a minimum wage job. But I tell them that was a choice they made, with all the best intentions, but still their choice.

Thank You Surgeons 13.

I think it is a kind of reverse 'bravado' she is playing. At both the Parents Evening and year 9 GCSE options night Teachers were happy with her progress intimating that she is where she needs to be !

Stop focusing so much on numbers and start communicating with your daughter. That way you'll know for sure what is bothering her, instead of guessing on an online forum. You're raising a human, not a set of numbers you can boast about to anyone who will listen. What does she want? Is it realistic? How can you guide her without pushing her away?

Would anyone have condemned me if I had come on here and said, my DD' 2 is below average academic intelligence at her Comprehensive School should she be aiming for Grade 4's in all her GCSE subjects !

No what we have and always have on Mumsnet are a number of Red flags around statistics people or institutions that get posters on here 'frothing' at the mouth. Among these and institutions are IQ levels and up there along with 'Reform' or Farage comes any reference to Grammar Schools or enhanced academic expectations. Hence, on two fronts it is hardly surprising that firstly an IQ of 119 puts a child or any poster in the bottom half of the cohort interacting on this site. Secondly, posters generally want to call parents, children or anyone who went to Prep, Public or even Grammar Schools. Thus, highlighting how despite not attending any of these institutions themselves that everyone in their sphere such as family and friends are far more intelligent. This, of course is evidenced because neither them nor their offspring have/never spent more than'fifteen' minutes a night doing home work in GCSE /A Levels. These, same people are equal capable of producing a 5000 Word 'First' in about Ninety Minutes at 2.30 in the morning . The truth on here is a posting network that is less diverse and normal than 'Piston Heads' !

Would anyone have condemned me if I had come on here and said, my DD' 2 is below average academic intelligence at her Comprehensive School should she be aiming for Grade 4's in all her GCSE subjects !

No what we have and always have on Mumsnet are a number of Red flags around statistics people or institutions that get posters on here 'frothing' at the mouth. Among these and institutions are IQ levels and up there along with 'Reform' or Farage comes any reference to Grammar Schools or enhanced academic expectations. Hence, on two fronts it is hardly surprising that firstly an IQ of 119 puts a child or any poster in the bottom half of the cohort interacting on this site. Secondly, posters generally want to call parents, children or anyone who went to Prep, Public or even Grammar Schools. Thus, highlighting how despite not attending any of these institutions themselves that everyone in their sphere such as family and friends are far more intelligent. This, of course is evidenced because neither them nor their offspring have/never spent more than'fifteen' minutes a night doing home work in GCSE /A Levels. These, same people are equal capable of producing a 5000 Word 'First' in about Ninety Minutes at 2.30 in the morning . The truth on here is a posting network that is less diverse and normal than 'Piston Heads' !

Yes that's right the Essex Grammar Schools require between 50-54 points over 8 subjects which are among the highest entry requirements in the Country. For instance my sister is head of Sixth form at a Grammar School in Lincolnshire where Sixth Form requirements are 6 grades between 5-9 and only a grade 4 in English Language and Math's. This is still a school that despite relatively low requirements still averages around a grade B for A level and 86% at grade 5 English/Math's GCSE. This, shows that Grammar Schools represent the most able children in the area they cover or catchment and great regional differences can exist between two supposedly similar schools even based on FSM .

NeverDropYourMooncup · Today 16:43
redange · Today 11:13

Without evidence from Professionals my son would not be getting the relevant support from the state system. The ECHP and the school/authorities only recognize his intelligence down to countless tests taken by my son and the results they have confirmed which have been continually doubted. However, finally in year 10 we are finally on a pathway where he is expecting grade 4 in English/Math's . This is as far as the State System can take him, hence we are hopeful he can fulfill the obligations asked by the Non Selective Private School for the remainder of the school year in-order to repeat year 10 in September at the Private School . We are looking for him to take 6 GCSE's . My son was adopted under (kinship) hence the similar ages in my three children should anyone esquire !

I also do not want DD'2 aiming to achieve what I am hopeful for DS to achieve and actually she might be 'pulling' my leg or Bullying DS .

NeverDropYourMooncup · Today 15:23

Although it was academically difficult to compare to my sister, I was very good at most sports including representing Kent where I was brought up at Hockey. I also managed to get to the regional UK Athletics final for the 200 Meters ! Thus, in hindsight though the school did not see me as one of the most academic there I got respect for sporting achievements from the P.E staff who had me teaching Hockey to the First and Second years (Yr'7/8).

NeverDropYourMooncup · Today 15:23

Although it was academically difficult to compare to my sister, I was very good at most sports including representing Kent where I was brought up at Hockey. I also managed to get to the regional UK Athletics final for the 200 Meters ! Thus, in hindsight though the school did not see me as one of the most academic there I got respect for sporting achievements from the P.E staff who had me teaching Hockey to the First and Second years (Yr'7/8).

@redange - I think privilege is actually allowing children the safe space to self explore, both in early childhood and teens. And just providing support and unconditional love and making sure they do it in as safe as possible way (without micromanaging or helicoptering too much).

I think through negative media spin and generalised anxiety in society created as a result of that, so many people are paranoid and feel they need to lay a smooth path for their kids to shelter them. In the long run this does not work, because children need to learn to make their own choices from an early age and risk assess. Teens can have messed up risk assessment due to brain changes, which of course we do need to be aware of. Especially now with the toxicity of social media they can get themselves and their entire friendship groups into a massive doom loop. And that one is definitely something to be aware of as the internet is entirely unregulated.
The rest though is fine. If they choose to do other things rather than study but have socially & emotionally healthy friendship groups and do other stuff, that is actually very healthy.

Some of the most interesting and successful people went “off the rails” as teens according to their parents. What they actually were doing is discovering and exploring who they are, at a really fundamental level.
I think the job of a parent is simply to explain the systems we have here in our society and then let them make their own choices. So we do front load and those who study hard early on, usually reap the rewards (delayed gratification). If they choose to ignore that they will just have a longer path to get there later on potentially and it may require more work later on. But I think a 15 year old is old enough to make that choice. If that is what she is doing.

Generally speaking, social and emotional development is actually more important than early academic achievement. It can feed into a lifetime of making right friendship and relationship choices, which always are going to be more important than academic achievement. Happiness comes from that primarily.

From your posts, it is simply not clear to me if your DD is unhappy and lacking in self esteem or if she has made a conscious choice and is just more interested in being friends with the cool creative types and is more interested in exploring herself than getting high grades in her GCSEs.
I think the reason others are giving you a hard time is because with an adopted child and your own history, you are bringing some anxiety to the table and self protecting a little. You need to just see your 15 year old as a proper individual now and have more grown up conversations with her and just make sure she knows what she is doing. If the is, I would simply let her get on with it.
You are obviously a good person because you chose to adopt a child and are putting in a lot of effort there.

NeverDropYourMooncup · Today 15:23

Although it was academically difficult to compare to my sister, I was very good at most sports including representing Kent where I was brought up at Hockey. I also managed to get to the regional UK Athletics final for the 200 Meters ! Thus, in hindsight though the school did not see me as one of the most academic there I got respect for sporting achievements from the P.E staff who had me teaching Hockey to the First and Second years (Yr'7/8).